Starting Over (Again)

[Cautious]

Convo never happened. I'm not going to ask him for it either. He doesn't get input anymore, he's put me off long enough. That sounds kind of bitter. I'm not bitter, I don't think.

He's trying to break my grey. I have to be better at avoiding that. He's my best friend, it's hard not to tell him everything I think. I refuse to let him break down my plan, though. That's how I ended up here in the first place, not following the steps because "oh, things are getting better, etc." He's not showing all his cards, so I'm not showing all mine either.

He made mention to me that he will be unavailable by phone at work on Thursday. The Negative Nancy in me believes that he's taking the day off Thursday rather than the "work class" he claims he's taking at that time. But his lies are his lies, who cares? Goal number two is not checking his phone records (to which I still have the password). Let's pretend he's at face value here. After all, he went through all the trouble to explain to me that he's only spending time with his boys and no one else (when I know that he's been initiating contact with a female friend from high school, but we'll keep that tucked away until it actually matters). I was the ultimate snoop before, and don't really intend to change that - I don't like the wool pulled over my eyes. But I need to develop some trust with X if I don't want a repeat of our last R.

So, long term goals are to keep being grey (no info about me, STOP ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM!) for 3 1/2 more weeks. I need that clean slate, he needs to worry about ME. I'm not ready to be asking the questions about his life, I haven't got him flustered enough yet. But trust me, I've got him flustered. That's long term goal #2- Start asking interested questions, keep track of what's going on with him. Stay silent unless asked about what's going on with me. #3 - NO ML. Ugh.

Tomorrow's goals:
1. No phone contact (voice or text). Let him come to me.
1 1/2. End convos at S5 exchange quickly and escape.
2. PRACTICE YOUR GUITAR. I'm learning a song that will melt ANY man's heart. Unless he has none. Kinda hoping to play it for X someday, but realistic enough to think that it may be just playing it for S5.
3. Pedicure. I exchanged that one for "buy St. Paddy's Day wig" today, apparently. I look awesome in green.