setting boundaries when not clear if A is over

[newmama]

First of all, yes, you have a baby coming and OF COURSE you are scared and have been treated horribly, and this IS NOT FAIR! It isn't! It is horrible and very very difficult.

But I have to tell you that the odds of YOU DOING ANYTHING that will make your H go "I want to be with Piano!" in the next 2 months are not high.(based on what I have read-not just my own sitch) Please understand that I am NOT saying that you shouldn't hope or that he will never come back,absolutely I am not saying this! But that it is not likely to happen before the baby is born. Pretend it is not a possibility. But if you go NC, focus on getting through each day,and reading about how to take care of your baby in the first weeks and month, you will gather the strength you need to tackle this after the baby is born.

I know that's not what we are supposed to do (be worried about what they are doing & who they are doing it with when they have seperated from us & said it no uncertain terms that our M is over) but I just can't get a handle on how to have contact with him around this co-parenting business.

It's okay- we all do it- worrying about our spouse. But your GOAL is to NOT worry about him. Think of it as a GOAL. It is completely unrealistic to say "wake up tomorrow and never think of him again!" lol

I have been in your shoes, or at least a similar style!( my turn to repeat myself sorry!)

What I mean is my WH left when I was 7 months pregnant to be with OW. Realistically, I could not GAL at 7 mo pregnant! Come on!

So what I did was
1) talk to my dr. about how to go to sleep at night. Surprisingly, over the counter sleeping pills were considered safe or benadryl.
2) went to see an IC where I could talk all of this out; saw him weekly
3) went to work every day, put on make up and styled my hair 6 days per week
4) came home from work, and went directly on to online forums like this one, marriagebuilders.com and survivinginfidelity.com.
5) ate dinner and then went to bed. Repeat.

I had NC with WH aside from dr. appointments.
All of the above helped me until S was born. Then it was very very hard. I won't lie.

The whole time that I was alone in my house from 3/31 to 6/30, with a huge belly, aching feet, and a dark cloud over my head, I wished and longed to be taken care of. WH WANTED to take care of me....but live with OW and screw her every night. So I said NO WAY- I will be fine! But I wished I had parents to stay with- I just didn't want HIM to help! So stay with your parents, or at least don't resist the idea! I guess all you have to do is live alone for a couple of weeks in your state and you'll see what I mean! :-)

I guess I could do what you have done, and restart the co-parenting therapy post-birth - that is, if he hasn't skipped town.

We never went to a therapist- we found parenting plans online and chose one we agreed with.

You know, as I type this, I'm starting to think maybe he doesn't want to co-parent, he just wants occassional access (flying in every couple of weekends to say hello to the baby, and fly out again). What a crappy way to be a "father", if you ask me!!

YES IT IS.But you will have no idea until the baby is born. My WH fell in love at first sight with S (not me!)and went from agreeing to see him 3 days per week to 7 days per week! I just kept repeating to myself (this is best for our S. this is best for our S. Even though it was so hard to see him every day and know he was not there to see me- he had no interest still)

However, I was dead serious about filing for D if WH ended up being a deadbeat dad. I would have asked for full custody and then worked on taking care of S, improving myself, and started dating the following year! Heck, it would have been way less easier to detach without him around!

You'll be happy to know I have booked in with a DB coach, and I am seeing a L next week. Didn't want to see a L, but we still have shared bank accounts, assets, etc...and I think I now need clarity given that he is making moves to live interstate.

This is very very smart of you!!! It will totally help you have some sense of control even though you must accept one day (GOAL) that you have no control over your WH, ONLY YOUR ACTIONS. You can hope that you can INFLUENCE WH with your actions but it is up to him.

Ok, sorry for the long post! One last hopeful nugget: 11 months ago, I thought 100% we were going to divorce; started the paperwork, etc. But then as the months passed it never happened! Still don't know! So threatening D does not mean it will happen necessarily.