flowmom | need to commit to myself

[flowmom]

Ohh come on!!!! The guy is in deep fog whatever this fog consists of. You expect his "paternal instinct" to be intact in the middle of this... No way! If he would agree that the kids were distressed he would be admitting he f@cked up as a father hurting and "leaving" them!!! No way he would do that. NO WAY. Very common. I keep repeating my experience but it's the only thing I know and I hope it helps you in some way. My H argued with and ignored the kid's therapist when she said they were really really sad and upset. For months!! He wouldnt believe me when I said they were having meltdowns, he kept saying "I dont know what you do to them, with me they are fine!!"... GRRRRRRR....

That makes sense...the underlying defensiveness. That must have been so hard and frustrating.

I know it's against your judgement, I am thinking you SHOULD give him the kids for extended times, call it a try to see how it goes, use phrases as "that would allow me to focus on my life as well".

I would consider *trying* it, but I can't see how that could happen without it being precedent-setting. And if it was making things worse for the kids, I wouldn't be able to count on my H to acknowledge it and make adjustments. Once the precedent was established, how on earth would I be able to back things up? Won't whatever falls into place now establish what will happen after D? It feels like we are making big decisions about how to raise our children with almost no process.

Regarding the kids: I dont know about yours, mine were mirroring MY emotional state. I could influence their well being very much. Dont understimate your role in this even whe they are with him. HOw you talk to them on the phone, how you see them off, your smiles, body language... Kids notice and respond.

I'm being super careful about how I am around them, but of course they must pick up on some of my distress subconsciously. Nothing I can really do about that...I am dealing with grief and I can't protect them from that 100%