Ohh come on!!!! The guy is in deep fog whatever this fog consists of. You expect his "paternal instinct" to be intact in the middle of this... No way! If he would agree that the kids were distressed he would be admitting he f@cked up as a father hurting and "leaving" them!!! No way he would do that. NO WAY. Very common. I keep repeating my experience but it's the only thing I know and I hope it helps you in some way. My H argued with and ignored the kid's therapist when she said they were really really sad and upset. For months!! He wouldnt believe me when I said they were having meltdowns, he kept saying "I dont know what you do to them, with me they are fine!!"... GRRRRRRR.... (today: he yelled at my son yesterday and was sad all day for "hurting" him, DUH!!!)
I know it's against your judgement, I am thinking you SHOULD give him the kids for extended times, call it a try to see how it goes, use phrases as "that would allow me to focus on my life as well". That way it would be a spectacular 180 (flow-mom becoming flo indivudual), and it would force him to see what his decision caused. He would have to become a flow dad on his own, without you helping and fixing things, it would maybe allow him to admit what great job you are doing... I dont know. Regarding the kids: I dont know about yours, mine were mirroring MY emotional state. I could influence their well being very much. Dont understimate your role in this even whe they are with him. HOw you talk to them on the phone, how you see them off, your smiles, body language... Kids notice and respond.
