My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[dburt]

Sounds like he is a controlling ass. Do not accept it, and I would be damn sure I would not care whether or not he would be mad at me for ignoring him. He is the one that chose to leave, he has a phone, he has a car to drop by, why should he be the one to be mad at you for no contact.

If you were a man I would say to get some balls, but, well, I guess I have to say it is time to be a strong woman for a change. When he does contact you and he will, make sure you do not stay on that phone long, you are much too busy. Do not ask, how he has been doing, or why don't you come home or sorry I have not called. That is what he wants you to do to get back in control of the situation.

I guarantee you he is wondering why the hell you have not called, and that is a good thing BELIEVE ME.

YOU ARE MUCH TOO SMART, PRETTY AND FUN to be treated like this, when your attitude is he does not deserve me is when your situation will change. Until then, I am affraid it is doomed.

He will call, get a plan on what to say and how to get off the phone first, remember be cool, pleasant and busy, speak to him like a friend of a friend, you know of him but not intimently.

Go have some fun today.

Burt

[timehealsall]

Be strong!

We all have such similarities in our stories. it's almost sickening.

You can do this!

[nicole8]

ok, it has almost been 72 hours and not one peep from the husband. I am contemplating sending him a nice email letting him know various thoughts of why I haven't contacted him.

For example:
I am taking time to work on myself

I need time to think about our marriage and all that has happened

I've been thinking about how you said you think we need a divorce and I am sorry you feel that way.

I want to know what others think? I'm guessing this might be labelled "pursuing". Should I just continue to go on with my life and act like I could care less?

I am also contemplating switching my cell phone back to Verizon. Two months ago, the husband switched from our family plan with Verizon to an individual plan with AT&T. I too switched to AT&T and got my own individual plan. I know I shouldn't have, but he was acting as if he was going to work on the marriage. However, I think by switching back I am making a point.... Any thoughts?

I am just so frustrated still. I want our marriage to work however, both of us have to want it.

[timehealsall]

ok, it has almost been 72 hours and not one peep from the husband. I am contemplating sending him a nice email letting him know various thoughts of why I haven't contacted him.

For example:
I am taking time to work on myself

I need time to think about our marriage and all that has happened

I've been thinking about how you said you think we need a divorce and I am sorry you feel that way.

I want to know what others think? I'm guessing this might be labelled "pursuing". Should I just continue to go on with my life and act like I could care less?

I am also contemplating switching my cell phone back to Verizon. Two months ago, the husband switched from our family plan with Verizon to an individual plan with AT&T. I too switched to AT&T and got my own individual plan. I know I shouldn't have, but he was acting as if he was going to work on the marriage. However, I think by switching back I am making a point.... Any thoughts?

I am just so frustrated still. I want our marriage to work however, both of us have to want it.

Don't do it! Don't give in! I know it's KILLING you.Sheet, it kills me to do it but reading all of your and everyone on here's responses has helped me soo much. I'm the suffer in silence type and this board has helped me so much. I just need to vent more on here rather than bottling it all up because all I end up doing is breaking down and giving into my H.

Leave your phone bill alone.. What good will it do? I know that you want to do SOMETHING to initiate some sort of contact/open up communication with him.. But try and not do it.. You've done so well so far, you know?

[nicole8]

Timehealsall-
I am not going to give in....I thought about it more after my last posting. Posting actually is a really great helpful way to vent and get things out.

The reason I bring up the phone issue is that I am hoping he will notice at some point that I did switch and maybe this will be a swift kick in the ass that I am moving on.....slowly, bit by bit.

[awest1217]

Don't do anything to get to H. You need to switch focus from H to you. If you want to switch because Verizon is better for you then do it. If you are doing it to get to H don't. It is very hard to do, but you really need to think about you. Do stuff for you and not because it will get to H or anything else. Focus on you.

Also good job not contacting him. It is hard to do, but really it is for the best.

[timehealsall]

Timehealsall-
I am not going to give in....I thought about it more after my last posting. Posting actually is a really great helpful way to vent and get things out.

The reason I bring up the phone issue is that I am hoping he will notice at some point that I did switch and maybe this will be a swift kick in the ass that I am moving on.....slowly, bit by bit.

It really does help. I'm glad you are keeping strong.

[lolawar]

Male depression is so confusing. It is hard to sympathize with a depressed man. They typically aren't crying in the corner.. they are acting like me with the worst PMS X 10000. Moody, irritable, irrational, nasty, unpredictable.... Just a b*st*rd. My H is high functioning. He just isn't happy. He now says things like "I am not sure I believe in marriage".."look around..who do you see married that is happy". He also said that he got bored of his life and asked if I ever get bored with my life...you know.. "the house, the nice cars, sunday bbq's, dinner with friends....don't you ever want something different?".

Bored of what...life?? Because this is what life is.
Life is not running around like a 16 year old in heat... Lying to your bosses and risking your career...not speaking to your friends and family....Growing your hair long when you are almost 40 and a professional... and the list goes on and on. Life is mundane!!!! But the secret to life is enjoying the mundane..day to day stuff..having a job, spending time with friends, working around the house, having a good cup of coffee...Not carrying on a secret A in parking lots and parked cars.... Not reality!!!

I just don't know how or when the fog lifts. So it is really important to stay out of the crossfire. And as hard as this is....try not to take everything personally. It is so very difficult because you are the "reason" for all their pain and unhappiness. Although my separation hasn't been easy...I have never felt more relaxed. I don't need to walk on eggshells anymore. Perhaps your H being at his mother's during this time is really a good thing. Gives you time to concentrate on you..and time for him to sort things out??? I think it offers you/us an opportunity to see things clearly and figure out what we want. It is so easy to get wrapped in their crazy behavior and lose ourselves. At one point, I wasn't sure who I was anymore. I have more clarity.

[lolawar]

I wrote my last post earlier today...and just need to agree with the latest posts from everyone. Do not try to come up with reasons for making contact. I start feeling antsy after a few days as well...but you will NOT feel better after initiating contact. Been there..done that. Let him pursue you. He IS thinking of you in some capacity. When you have the urge to make contact...challenge yourself. Tell yourself that contacting him is an addiction...you don't want to give in to it. If you divert your attention to something else...the craving to contact him subsides. You will wake up tomorrow feeling better. I always have a hard time at night..done with work and sitting in the house we share. Concentrate on ANYTHING else and start creating a routine outside of what you and your H used to do..perhaps start watching a new tv series, grab a magazine on the way home, blog...but just don't sit there and come up with reasons to make contact.

[nicole8]

Thank you for your words of support. I know I shouldn't take anything personally but he was really pretty mean on Saturday to me. He told me that he had to force himself to come home to our home because he is so unhappy here. That's weird because if I remember correctly he was the one who looked so upset and emotionally distraught and didn't know what was wrong with himself.

I think dburt is right that when he does finally make contact with me that if I appologize or ask how he is that will be the husbands ways of being in control of the situation. I am staying strong and not contacting him. He has the next two days off of work as far as I know.....so we will see if he has the time or energy to actually get in contact with me. However, I am getting the feeling that he might be filing for divorce. I just don't know. He has been down this path before and made the same threats and not followed through.

When he was here on Saturday and said that he didn't think I knew how close he was to filing. It was almost like he expected me to say something. Did he expect me to say something that might change his mind? I'm not sure. I think he wanted my permission though. I've run this through my mind a million times and it is just strange.

I just keep thinking this situation is so high school and I am over it. The fact that he won't admit he is trying to date someone while being married is so annoying and I really feel like I should somehow gain proof and call him out on it. I don't have access to his cell phone any longer. Beyond following and stalking him I don't know what I can do or should do. Again, need to stop focusing on him and focus on myself. I know.