still separated, in limbo, still hopeful

[S.T. _I Made It!]

Saint (hope you don't mind my nickname)it's funi you say that...I forgot that st stands for saint! but it was an abreviation for Still Trying which used to be my name. thanks though for the compliment. thanks for the reassurance and validation to keep doing what works.

HE is the only one who can do that. Just like we have no power to make someone pass a driver's test even though we can sign them up for the test or "enjoy their job" even though we can give them a job. perhaps no power, but a whole lot of influence


From my experience giving him ultimatums 2x and both times failing (first time he lied, second time he chose her) I see that you can't make someone do soemthing they don't want to. glad you have learned this. It is better to allow someone the ability to CHOOSE the right decision than to force the right decision on them where they can end up feeling regret or feel curious about if they should have "disobeyed" this is why I mention my H still had contact with OW even after he came back (he stopped for 2 months but she started it again) but I asked him-in a very non threatening and open way-what he felt was appropriate and guess what he said? NO CONTACT! and when your dealing with men, you CANNOT tell them what to do. you have to creatively get them to think it themselves. and that's what I did, and it didn't happen right away, it took a few months but we have a GREAT M now and I don't regret anything I did.

My goal is to pull him toward me but I do need to repost those DB goals I had earlier! awesome!

S was born in July so we separated when I was about 7 months pregnant I think.
I ask because many times I see M's failwhen children become present. not that it is their fault, but as women, we are so compelled to take care of everyone except ourselves that we end up losing our identity, thus allowing the H to believe they don't love us anymore. Now, obviously you did not have kids yet, but I'm wondering, what do you think is different about the times where things were good in your R, and the times it started shifting in the wrong direction. Can you remember when your H started to shut down, or change his behavior in the M? I'm sure you've already talked about this, so I apologize.
As for not giving an ultimatum in May, what about going NC in May? Or should I just keep on keep on-- you see I can totally see myself keeping on but getting more and more busy, especially since I get to move back into my classroom in July. if NC meaning no contact...it's been so long since I've looked at the list for abbrev. I probably wouldn't be for that. I do think though that you should definitely make a goal, a date, and May is fine, to step back and look at your progress and then go from there. don't be just set on doing a certain thing. Just let things flow from here and when the time comes, evaluate your progress then.

Something that does concern me is the longer we are not married, the more disconnected we will be, right? Part of me feels we will be able to get back into our groove (chemistry wise- we are pretty darn compatible, the idiot!) but of course have colossal damage to repair from this whole mess!

this can be a factor, but also look at it this way, it will be as though you'll be dating again for the first time. the emotions and passions that can arise are tremendous. I remember when we ML the first time again and it was crazy, probably the best time ever, but before we got to that point, it was truly like we were dating all over again, it was really weird, but not a bad weird. don't worry about all those things, you just worry about taking care of yourself, becoming the best newmama that you can be, and start living life and having joy! You want to be a light to him shining out so that he will be drawn to it. you are like a magnet, and the OW is going to become a negative force in his life and you will be the positive one, and he will be drawn to you more and more. It CAN happen, and I believe in your hope, no matter how small it may seem to be.