LMS, I had to respond to the advice, above, to "talk to him about his marriage and play therapist." Yes, this is one kind of affair that people can have. It's incredibly insulting to think that as a completely untrained therapist one could leap into a complex situation and "fix it," (and laughable that an affair partner could have enough distance to see anything except from his/her own pov), but some people do this to mitigate their guilt about interfering in a marriage. It is a way of bolstering low self-esteem and making themselves feel important when, obviously, they know nothing about making relationships work, or they wouldn't be there.
For someone who finds it insulting to play therapist, you seem to have no problem playing therapist yourself and offering a complete psychoanalysis of someone playing therapist. And you don't seem to allow for anything except selfish and pitiful motives for someone trying to help another person. Do you believe that people in relationships are only operating with selfish motives, unable to show any altruism at all? It's important to me for any relationship to involve trust and friendship, and what you describe -- mitigating one's guilt, being insulting -- have nothing to do with friendship. If that's all you're doing in a "relationship", there is no friendship at all as I see it. It's just two people using each other. Well, maybe you're right -- I suppose a lot of affairs that end badly are based on just that.
When I say, "play therapist", I meant putting your own interests aside for a moment, and helping a friend. I don't mean presenting yourself as a qualified therapist. I should never have used that word.
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So far, I understand, you don't know whether this guy is married or not. If he is, do not expect to have these incredibly truthful talks with him, because if there's one thing men having affairs will be consistent about, it's about lying, lying, lying, and misrepresenting themselves and their situation.
I would agree that many men lie in this situation, and it's certainly something to be on the lookout for. But you're wrong about that being consistently true in all situations. The way you repeat "lying" three times suggests a fervor born from personal experience, or at least that's the way it comes across to me. Yeah, a lot of women have been badly burned by men, just as men have been badly burned by women. There are all too many men who sit in bars and describe women with unflattering words, repeated three times for emphasis.
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And who wants to be just another one of Tiger's--or any other version of him--conquests? It sounds as though you're looking for a lot more.
Again, a gross generalization, even though often true. There are many men and women have been rejected by their spouses for years, and are trying their best to deal with it, but have big issues with getting a divorce at that moment. Men or women who are emotionally or sexually starved and are hoping for maybe just a connection to make them feel better, and don't know the best way to deal with it.
To be clear, I don't think Tiger fits in this category at all, as I don't get the impression his wife was rejecting him, and one certainly doesn't need 14 mistresses to meet a need one isn't getting at home. So yes, I would agree with your characterization (just another conquest) in Tiger's case.
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97% of relationships which begin as affairs fail because of the guilt and lies.
True, but what you might find is that the 3% who "succeed" do so because both parties are unusually honest, open, and fair to their partners about what is going on. And if one makes an effort to make any such potential relationship honest, the other party will more quickly realize the game is up, or you'll increase the chances that you can make it work.
If you were to go on statistics alone, nobody would ever get married. Since half of all marriages fail, and many of those that don't fail end up being unhappy anyway, only a minority of marriages end up happy. So does that mean one shouldn't get married?
I know a couple where the husband had an affair, and then the wife did. But they were both honest about it and worked it out. They are now both happily married to their affair partners. In retrospect, it would have been pompous and unproductive of me to have quoted statistics and advised them against doing what turned out well.
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I know you've already had various book suggestions, but I'd suggest looking at "Not Just Friends," by Shirley Glass. It has a section for the "other woman," explaining what traps she is falling into and how to turn things around so that she respects herself enough not to let herself fall for guys who aren't actually able to fully commit.
True, but remember that a lot of single guys are single BECAUSE they have trouble comitting, or because they LIKE playing the field and sleeping with many women at the same time, and many of them will also lie to you about it. Divorced men may be your best bet -- they have a proven track record of commitment, at least. But even they are often saddled with the emotional baggage from their last relationship. So if you want to go by just statistics and logic, your best bet for finding a man with a proven track record of commitment and marriage is to go to the graveyard and wait for widowers to place flowers on their deceased wives' graves. A macabre approach to be sure, but a coldly logical one.
