Sorry about not checking in earlier. I moved my thread over to MLC and have been getting some very good advice. I think going alone would be good. You need to talk this out. I think the MC is right that H will need a lot of therapy. Same with my W.
I think that is your question. It's scary to think about and what if he doesn't get "better"? What if he doesn't stay committed to his treatment? What if there is more acting out before he realizes he needs help? No guarantees here. I think you really just need time to evaluate the situation.
No one is holding a gun to your head. If you had known that he might have bi-polar disorder would you have married him? What if he had cancer? Would you stay? I am not saying you have to give up your life for soemone. As someone said to me cancer doesn't make people behave badly. I think the answer is as long as I see a COMMITMNET from her that she is trying deal with her illness I can handle the fire.
She is not there yet. Don't know if she will ever get there. Your H ain't there yet and may have a lot more pain to go through and inflict on you in the process. Unless you decide to leave, put up with it(not an option if you're here), or detach and wait and see.
Grit.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Thanks Grit I will take a look at your new post in MLC. I am so nervous about starting MC. I feel like this is the last resort. I am so concerned about so many things. Does the MC favor marriage? Is my H ready for MC? Am I ready for MC? Are we forcing things along? Is the MC going to tell me that this is all hopeless? I don't know if I am ready for all of this. I guess I have been doing so well because there is still hope.
I really would love to see some improvement in him but we really aren't speaking. I don't want to pursue him. I am anticipating he is going through withdrawal (if indeed he ended the A like he said he did). He was supposed to see his IC last week but I haven't heard any updates from him. How does he go from acting like a teenager to a man in one week?
A week ago today...he came to the house and told me for an hour how he wanted to work things out...but then I don't hear much from him the rest of the week. Always mixed messages but I don't want to ask. I am not sure I want to hear what he has to say and I also cannot believe a word he says.
I am feeling very good..which is good and bad. I forgot to where my wedding (decoy) ring to work the past two days. I didn't realize until I got there. I am just feeling pretty upbeat and starting to feel detached...but at the same time.. I will wake up in the middle of the night and remember that my life is in shambles right now and I feel terrible. My emotions are so extreme still.
I guess I haven't pulled the trigger for this very reason. I do not feel the same for more than 24 hours straight!!!
and I guess I am journaling here... but I do have other fears about beginning the piecing process... 1) I don't want to go through all of this for the same old marriage. I would want something even better.. Does my H want the same? Is he capable of giving me more? 2) Our relationship can never hold a candle to an affair. Will our stable relationship/marriage always seem boring in comparison? 3) Will all of my anger and hurt surface if we reconcile? Can I handle this? Will he be able to handle this? 4) Will I resent him for being able to experience that 'loving' feeling again with someone else when I havent had the opportunity to experience the same thing? 5) Will I always wonder if he is thinking about her? Is he just settling? 6) Am I just prolonging the inevitable? Have I just become so obsessed with saving our marriage that I am not really thinking clearly? Has this become my addiction? 7) Is there something better in store for me and I am just fighting it because I am afraid of change? 8) I am I compromising myself and my values to save my marriage? 9) Will we be in the same position 5 years down the road because he hasn't made changes within himself.
I highly doubt that he is working at improving himself. Yes, he is in IC...but is this just his attempt to justify his actions. "the IC said I am unhappy and that is why I did these awful things..so I am not really a bad person....I was just unhappy".
I have decided to see the therapist alone first. I think this will help me see where she stands in all of this before I bring my H in for something that is completely not helpful to us.
I think most, if not all, of us who are piecing have the same list of fears/apprehensions about the piecing process. I know I still do and I'm almost a year into it. Talking to an IC and reading about recovery after an affair are good tools to help you figure out what you want.
In the end, for me, it came down to wanting to know that I did everything possible before I walked away. And I did think that I would end up walking away because I didn't believe BF would be willing to do what I needed. We're still working on it.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 03/10/1005:48 AM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Most of the time, yes. It was definitely rocky and difficult at first but now we've settled into a pretty normal, happy life. We have fun and that's what I liked so much about us before all this crap happened. We have communicated more and more honestly in the past year than all of our previous years together.
There are still doubts which bother me simply because I still have them. It will be settled by the end of the year because I have decided that I will either be married or single to start 2011. I'm trying to just let go and let things happen between now and then.
To be fair, I think I've had an easier time than most because the affair and separation was relatively short and BF was willing to work on himself and the relationship. That said, it's been harder than I ever thought it would be.
That's not to say that I think your H deserves another chance. IMHO he doesn't. I'm all for doing what's best for you. Since your H has a history of adultery I think it's a different sitch. If you want to feel like you've tried everything then I think you should do it for you, not because H deserves it.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 03/10/1003:54 PM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
My H has a history of adultery with this one person!! Before this point, I never would have thought my H was capable of doing this. He always seemed to take our commitment seriously. I think that is why I have such a hard time letting go. I don't think my H deserves anything...like you...I just don't think I will feel satisfied unless I exhaust all options. I am not a quitter...I still believe in marriage. I am doing this for me (I think).
I am going to the MC tomorrow night alone first..I am really interested in what she is going to say. My current IC really hasn't been giving me much..just kept telling me that my H needs to be on medication...and that he sounds very depressed..and that I should wait it out. The IC would just ask me if I still loved him..my answer would vary depending on the week. It is hard to love someone that you barely like at times. I think the MC I am seeing tomorrow will be brutally honest..that was why I was a bit worried about my H joining me. I don't know where she stands..and I am a bit scared.
pearlharbr- I completely understand all the emotions that you have been going through. I read through your post and could relate to so much of it. There was a 6 month period after I found out my H was having an A and the time that I realized he started it up again. During that 6 month period..we were piecing. It was NOT easy. At certain times I felt like we were on the right track..and then other days I felt so helpless. I was working sooo hard to forgive him for him to just betray me again. It truly was gut wrenching. I asked a lot of questions and was constantly insecure about what was happening at his office. I HATED the person I was becoming. I am not that insecure..I hated always obsessing about what was going on..I hated that he was consuming my thoughts..for most of my day. I guess I am hoping that this was rock bottom for him...and that piecing will be easier this time around because he will be in it 150% (although I am not getting my hopes up yet)
I often question my efforts to save my marriage as a weakness or a strength. When I am rational...I do truly believe that it is a strength. It is SOOOOOOOOO much easier to just walk away. It takes guts and a lot of forgiveness to move on from something so devastating.... right?
Absolutely right. I know it would have been SO much easier for me to walk away. When things get tough I think about that, that I can easily leave and start a new life on my own and I would be fine with that.
I think it's great that you want to try everything to save your marriage. Just be cautious and go very slowly. I understand if H only has cheated with this one OW. But he has proven that he cannot be trusted around her. Let him now prove that he is finished with her and is recommitted to you and the M through his actions over time.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
OK..I know this is absolutely no big deal. But it has been several days and I have received an email from my H this morning. Just said good morning. I responded 'good morning too'. He then followed it up with an email 'Hope you are doing well".
Do I just not respond? He hopes I am doing well?? I want him to pursue me..but not with 'I hope you are doing well'. There wasn't a question..so a response is not necessary? I don't want to seem disinterested...but I want him to continue to pursue me...in a more meaningful way though ; )
