Setbacks happen.. its up and down.. that's why we reccomend protection phase in the first place, it takes you OUT of that nightmare into a mroe stable environment
You just keep sending that letter out so your husband keeps hearing that message...
Get your uncle to call your H again and give him a hard time
Imagine him getting THIRTY PEOPLE calling him like your uncle did?
He would have caved a long time ago then...
Apply as much pressure as possible.. this letter is just that much more pressure on him
He needs to know he is HARMING his children when he cheats, and he's harming his children when he divorces
I suspect he knows this, and that's why this is so hard for him.
You are protecting yoru children from this drama.. tha'ts a GOOD thing for you right now.. your children feed off YOUR ENERGY. if its negative from interacting with H then your children live that too.. its not good for them ether.
I have no desire to talk or see him today, I haven't felt this way for a long time. I know in a couple days when my anger and sadness subside, I will have the urge to contact him, but I know I need to be strong.
He is going over to my friends again on Wed. However, she is not real happy about it, she is just really mad at him. She knows he is lying to her too, and that makes her mad. The funny thing about her, is she has been through this. Her and her current H were married for 9 years then got D for 4 years, and are now happily remarried. Her sitch was that her H just up and left one weekend and never came back, and had a girlfriend within in a week of leaving. She begged for him to come back and did all that. And it wasn't until she let go, that he started contacting her all the time. Anyway my point is that both my friend and her H have told my H that he will regret his decision to D, and have tried to give him hope. That is where his lying comes into play. Telling them he does love me and doesn't want a D, but I'm to controlling and will never change. And when they try to bring up the OW, he denies and changes the subject.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
1. Tell them to take a different approach wtih the affair :
a. They need to stop trying to get him to admit it. b. All they need to do is get him to acknowledge that his WIFE is upset that he's in contact with her c. If your spouse wants you to stop contact with someone during a marriage crisis, you DO IT. d. If she's just a friend, and its NOT a serious deal, then ENDING CONTACT to put that time into his marriage INSTEAD of OW shoudl'tn be a problem
Like this :
FRIEND : You need to end contact with OW HUSBAND : I am not having an affair FRIEND : I didn't say you were. HUSBAND : Everyone thinks I am a cheater. I'm not. FRIEND : Your wife and your children are HURT when you put time into that woman and contact her. HUSBAND : I am not cheating. FRIEND : You are hurting your family by contacting her - affair or not. HUSBAND : I need soemone to talk to. FRIEND : Then talk to me. Your wife isn't HURT when you talk to ME. Whatever you want to tell OW you can tell me.
HUSBAND is silent.
FRIEND : If she's just a friend, NOT talking to her shouldn't be too hard for you. FRIEND : And you are seeing a family therapist. You have a friend and a FT that do NOT hurt your wife.
HUSBAND : I need to talk to her WIFE : The only reason you would NEED to is if you were cheating... but you're not cheating right? HUSBAND : I am not a cheater WIFE : Then talk to me. STOP hurting your wife, stop hurting your children. HUSBAND : I am not hurting my children
WIFE : Every MINUTE you put into OW is one minute you do NOT put into your family and your children and your wife. You don't have unlimited time... you SPEND time, literlly. When you put time into someone, you are SPENDIGN it on that person. You get twenty- four hours each day to spend as you like. You spend it with OW, yoru WIFE gets short-changed.
HUSBAND : I am not a bad husband or a bad father : FRIEND : Then prove it by going to family therapy instead of a divorce lawyer. Children get TRAUMATIZED by divorce all the time... Children to NOT RECOVER from parents divorcing.. it affects them for their entire life.
You see, I can argue with your husband without having to get him to admit an affair. He puts TIME into her and SPENDS that time there instead of on his family and repairing the damage at his home.
Period.
He does NOT have to admit the affair at this stage, he just has to start seeing a GOOD family therapist privately who can STEER him AWAY from divorce.
You can keep sending the email we put togethrer out, send it once a week to him i say.
But your friend doens't have to get him to admit an affair, I honelsty think tha'ts making him LESS inclined to talk.
Just focus on his commitments and have yoru freind do what she can to remind him of the damage he' doing.
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This is the thing. As an aside. If my wife told me my contact with some woman I was contacting was hurting her and that I was having an affair I would stop contacting the woman.
It doen'st MATTER what the truth is. If your wife is UPSET, you DO something about that.
Then, after a couple weeks I might ask her if I can invite the woman over while she's here... keep everything above board etc... But if your SPOUSE wants you to END COnTACT with someone becuase they are PANICKING... you END CONTACT.. it does NOT matter if there is an affair or not..
your spouse is in a panic because of a contact you have, you END the CONTACT until the panic softens down.. THEN you TALK
Your Husband does NOT need to admit an affair to help you.
I know one convo that my friend had with him about a month ago that is almost word for word what she said. She asked him what was up with this OW. He said they were just friends. She told him that it hurt me to talk to her, and that if she was truly just a friend, then it shouldn't be any big deal to end the contact. He agreed and than went on to say he had stopped talking to her that past week. However, the next weekend is when someone sent that letter to the OW's family and now they have been talking non-stop. And that is my H's excuse for talking to her again. He has ruined her life by being her friend and wants to make it better, blah blah blah. I heard this last part from his mom.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Yup, its an excuse, he wanted to call her anyways.
Your friend now just needs to tell him that
"Your contact with this woman is making your WIFE ILL.. THAT is why she doen'st want to talk to you... she KNOWS you are talking to OW and it makes her ILL.. you want your WIFE and MOTEHR of your kids in a HOSPITAL? Is OW THAT important that you woould allow your wife to end up in a hospital?"
She also needs to tell him ENDING CONTACT must be FORMALized and with a family therapist, he can't just do it in secret and not make formal commitments...
My wife tried the same approach as your H... end contact on THEIR TERMS in PRVATE...
Never worked... it doens't work...
You need to send your freind some flowers or something for talking to him...
If your friend can gety our H to agree to see a FT in private while you see the same one in private, then your friend doenst have to negotiate for you anymore, teh FT can do it...
Your freind is basically playing the part of a FT until you can get your Husband to agree to see one with you (separately)
He is coming to the house for his visits, and I am leaving. It's a nice break for me and gets me a chance to get homework done.
He goes to my friends house when he talks with her. And I usually go stay with her, when my H is visiting the kids.
Another thing I forgot to mention. It's his dad's 70 bday party on Sat and my H asked me if I was going. I said NO, and he was annoyed. What the hell does he expect me to do, come to all the family parties.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
YOU CONTACT his family members DIRECTLY and exchange gifts privately, you call his mother and father privately to wish them the best, you do NOT go wtih him or meet him there.
It IS possible to have a relationship with his family whithout him involved.. it IS strained I know, but that's the POINT, it humiliates him that his wife w'nt talk to him.. his WHOLE family feel the pain of his wife when this happens
"YOU CONTACT his family members DIRECTLY and exchange gifts privately, you call his mother and father privately to wish them the best, you do NOT go wtih him or meet him there."
PLEASE TAKE ALLEN'S ADVICE ON THIS ^. You can read my thread and see that I attended my MIL bday party and i don't think it did me any good...in fact, it just opened up a can of worms and set me back. Follow this PLEASE.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
