My W gave me the opportunity to speak to her. She first wanted to go over why I went to her work and how embarrassing it was and how people t work will not let it go. I told her I was trying to protect our M and whatever R we do have and the same could be said by OMW.
I told her I did an do talk to OM and he and his wife are working things out and he understand the importance that communication must stop for the sake of his marriage.
Then I spoke about the commitment I made to better myself and I will continue to do so and I am the process of getting in touch with a FT.
She said "I'm happy you are trying to better yourself so you can lead a happy life but understand I cannot ever get over or get past what you did and when I do leave don't think it is because I wanted someone else but because I can never forgive you."
I tried to get up and walk out the room and she said "where you going?" I replied "I think this conversation is making a turn for the worse and I don't want to inject negativity into it" and she said "I am just telling you how I feel and I want you to listen"
Then I get a call from a private number and she became curious as to who it was. So much she is now holding my phone hostage. My wife answered the phone and the person hung up and now it is bothering her so she is holding on to it. So I let her.
I told her "It was good to get the opportunity to speak with you, I have nothing to hide"
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Well, that is all very amusing. Good for you for having the talk. So that cleared the air some.
Yes, forgiveness is a two-way street. She must forgive and you must forgive the things that have happened here, and even further in the past. It is a lot to do and it is not easy. I'm sure she does feel that she can never forgive you for embarrassing her, but time does heal wounds, and this will lessen as time goes on. I recommend letting it rest for now. Perhaps the two of you can agree to be nice to each other so that new hostilities don't make things worse.
OM is going to heal his marriage. So he is most likely out of the picture. Your wife is not so uncaring about you as she would like you to believe, or she wouldn't be worried about your phone. Take it as a compliment!
Try to be your good-natured, nice self with her. Ask her to try to be nice to you. Let life go back to normal as much as possible.
1. OM and WS WORK TOGEHTER 2. WS approaches OM all the time
You have to monitor that situation ... do NOT ignore it. I made that mistake in my home and it came back to haunt me. I trusted it was over and it WASN'T.
As long as your wife is emotionally vulnerable like she is now and OM is in a position to contact WS, you need to keep on the look out.
I agree w/ Allen that theire proximity to oneanother and common drama/shaming may tempt them w/ another "common bond" so to speak.
It was good that you had the opportunity to listen and share- be used to that sort of testing/script/baiting when those opportunities arise.
You handled it well and I agree w/ Lotus that her taking an interest in your phone is a good thing.
Keep on guard and also like Lotus said- enjoy the times you do have that will be comfortable and peaceful...do not react when the temperature changes, just know that it will and act accordingly- and be consistant
When my wife tells me she will never forgive me she is referring to the years of mental and emotional abuse.
I will continue to monitor the situation as will OMW.
My wife thinks she is being "watched."
My wife is back to the stance she was in before the whole EA started, that I hurt her, she will never forget or forgive therefore will never be happy with me and as a result cannot be with me. She is "happy" I am working on myself and wishes me good luck in the future.
My wife tells me she can care less who I talk to she just cares that the person hung up when she answered. Not sure that makes much sense but that is what she tells me.
She still is as distant as ever and still set on leaving.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Note : I don't reccomend using the word "trying to " when you are talking about protecting your marriage. Don't sweat it, but in the future just leave it as
I AM protecting our marriage. If you saying "trying to" it sounds like you are apologizing and that you did damage instead.
You need to be VERY solid on these points to get your message across. They only absorb maybe half of what you ahve to say, so you need to be as clear as you can. You can also mention that when SHE dolls herself up and talks to HIM about YOUR marriage in private it humiliates YOU.
I had this issue with my wife too.. she didnt like me violating HER privacy when i was researching her affair. I simply countered that SHE was talking about MY MARRIAGE in PRIVATE with OM without MY CONCENT... which violates MY PRIVACY
So... if she says SHE was humiliated again, don't apologize. Just tell her that marriage problems should be discussed with a Family Therapist and speaking with male co workers should not be done in private. THAT humiliates your husband when you do THAT, AND it humiliates her because it spreads GOSSIP in the workplace.
THEN you tell her you are sorry she feels humiliated, add that YOU are sorry YOU were humilated and had to show up there. Then you tell her you WOULD do it AGAIN to protect HER and your marriage.
THAT is the best way to put that fire out I think.
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If she is INVITING to conversation, you could just ask her outright...
"I have a female friend about my age who wants me to meet her for coffee to talk about her marriage problems... are you ok with that?"
My GUESS is she will say "NO"... but you ahve to be VERY careful here... if she says YES, then YOU look like an ass...
I tried this at home and it worked out well... my W Agreed talking in private about your marriage with an attractive member of the opposite sex is NOT a good idea.
YOu need to get your WIFE to understand that too. But be careful that doenst turn on you.
If she DOES tell you she's ok with it you just say :
"Well you shoudln't be... people CAN and DO have affairs... and VERY OFTEN its from someone at work or a freind who is havign marriage problems or something... if a friend you find attractive needs marriage advice, you send them to your SPOUSE or talk to them with your SPOUSE present ONLY... you don't talk to them in PRIVATE behind your wife's back... I would NEVER do that to you... And I ask the same of you... Its a matter of respecting your partner"
OIN you need to stop taking her negative stuff to heart, did you read hte mandatory don'ts I posted? Its RIGHT IN THE BOOK.. I worte them out SPECIFICALLY FOR YOU
Your wife needs time and a BETTER HUSBAND, THAT is the treatment.
Let her think she's being watched.. that's fine... just give her all the space she wants.. let her hold yoru phone as well... that's a GOOD SIGN that she doens't trust you.. it means she CARES what you DO.
She isnt' being WATCHED if you include her in your calls to OMW. And you just focus on their marriage and apologize for things getting so difficult. Send them some flowers and put both YOUR names on them and send them to BOTH of THEM. Tell your wife you are doing this... it will score you some points... invite your wife to sign the card or whatever.
My wife claims if she would had answered the phone and the person on the other line asked for me she would have gave the phone over but because the person hung up it bothers her. The person did call back, my wife threw it on speaker, it was OMW and when I said hello the OMW said "is this 'insert name' " not knowing who it was b/c it was a private number I said "yes it is, who is this?" and then the OMW said "I have to go."
She told me I could take the phone back but if the person calls again to walk right over to her. Like I said my wife thinks me talking to OM and her talking to OM is the same.
You know and I know it is NOT the same but she is ignorant to the fact and still tells me "It was just talk."
I'm going to have to push more on to OM and OMW because OMW just told me today that her husband is now forced to park in the same lot starting tomorrow which means they will have to ride the shuttle together.
I did tell my wife that OM did tell me he requested to work opposite end of the work place. I did tell her OM told me he will go as far as changing his shift to get the point across and that is what I wanted to accomplish by saying that is, He is working on his marriage and is so focused on doing so he will avoid you at all costs.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Next time your wife says "it was just talk" you reply
TALK ENDS MARRIAGES.. TALK is how GOSSIP STARTS... TALK is how AFFAIRS START... TALK HURT HIS WIFE.. TALK HURT his marriage.. TALK isn't "just" talk.. its DESTRUCTIVE talk... it hurts FOUR PEOPLE at once
And if she challenges that you are talking to OMW you tell her
The TALK I am having isn't SECRET and I am NOT COMPLAINING about you.. I am PROTECTING THEIR MARRIAGE
