* he feels it's too early for me to see a L. he says that my rights aren't going to go away and there's no rush. a real relief to be honest...I just don't feel ready to make that real
* he said that when I start negative fantasizing (H having another child with OW, etc.) I'm re-traumatizing myself. When negative fantasizing starts, I need to get angry at it as part of my self care. If someone was talking to my children and telling them stories about what terrible things could happen in the future in addition to what they're suffering right now, I'd get really angry at that person. I need to get angry when negative fantasizing happens in my head.
* he got me to say that getting to the point of standing on my own two feet is what I need to do to take care of myself, and when I spend all of my time obsesssing on my sitch I make things worse for myself (because I don't have time/energy for self care)
* I make things worse for myself when I 1. negative fantasize 2. spend all my time on the forum/and thinking about my R
* when I am engaged in my life, try to adopt the "chop wood carry water" mentality
* I need to cultivate compassion for myself, stop taking an inappropriate proportion of the blame/responsibility for the marriage problems
* I need to see value in myself
* If I can value things about myself that others don't value, there is "double" value when others value things in me
* he said that time is on my side and that things will get better
* he said that if I want to reconcile, I can wait for X number of months, but in the meantime I need to put H aside and focus on self care
* he suggested that I calmly ask H "as we move forward I need to know if you are dating", as long as I can hear his answer without getting angry...he said that email would be OK if it was short and if I thought that it would work for our communication styles
* IC said that H has to be accountable to me and disclose his choice to date if that's what he's doing
* he wasn't pushing for H to come into a session and he accepted my concerns about H reinforcing his desire to D by expressing it in the session to me
Your IC is right~! But remember it will take many months to start living all this. As I"ve recommended to you before, take a small step for yourself.
Then another.
Print these out and carry them with you every day. REad them every morning and every night.
