1. Tell them to take a different approach wtih the affair :
a. They need to stop trying to get him to admit it. b. All they need to do is get him to acknowledge that his WIFE is upset that he's in contact with her c. If your spouse wants you to stop contact with someone during a marriage crisis, you DO IT. d. If she's just a friend, and its NOT a serious deal, then ENDING CONTACT to put that time into his marriage INSTEAD of OW shoudl'tn be a problem
Like this :
FRIEND : You need to end contact with OW HUSBAND : I am not having an affair FRIEND : I didn't say you were. HUSBAND : Everyone thinks I am a cheater. I'm not. FRIEND : Your wife and your children are HURT when you put time into that woman and contact her. HUSBAND : I am not cheating. FRIEND : You are hurting your family by contacting her - affair or not. HUSBAND : I need soemone to talk to. FRIEND : Then talk to me. Your wife isn't HURT when you talk to ME. Whatever you want to tell OW you can tell me.
HUSBAND is silent.
FRIEND : If she's just a friend, NOT talking to her shouldn't be too hard for you. FRIEND : And you are seeing a family therapist. You have a friend and a FT that do NOT hurt your wife.
HUSBAND : I need to talk to her WIFE : The only reason you would NEED to is if you were cheating... but you're not cheating right? HUSBAND : I am not a cheater WIFE : Then talk to me. STOP hurting your wife, stop hurting your children. HUSBAND : I am not hurting my children
WIFE : Every MINUTE you put into OW is one minute you do NOT put into your family and your children and your wife. You don't have unlimited time... you SPEND time, literlly. When you put time into someone, you are SPENDIGN it on that person. You get twenty- four hours each day to spend as you like. You spend it with OW, yoru WIFE gets short-changed.
HUSBAND : I am not a bad husband or a bad father : FRIEND : Then prove it by going to family therapy instead of a divorce lawyer. Children get TRAUMATIZED by divorce all the time... Children to NOT RECOVER from parents divorcing.. it affects them for their entire life.
You see, I can argue with your husband without having to get him to admit an affair. He puts TIME into her and SPENDS that time there instead of on his family and repairing the damage at his home.
Period.
He does NOT have to admit the affair at this stage, he just has to start seeing a GOOD family therapist privately who can STEER him AWAY from divorce.
You can keep sending the email we put togethrer out, send it once a week to him i say.
But your friend doens't have to get him to admit an affair, I honelsty think tha'ts making him LESS inclined to talk.
Just focus on his commitments and have yoru freind do what she can to remind him of the damage he' doing.
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This is the thing. As an aside. If my wife told me my contact with some woman I was contacting was hurting her and that I was having an affair I would stop contacting the woman.
It doen'st MATTER what the truth is. If your wife is UPSET, you DO something about that.
Then, after a couple weeks I might ask her if I can invite the woman over while she's here... keep everything above board etc... But if your SPOUSE wants you to END COnTACT with someone becuase they are PANICKING... you END CONTACT.. it does NOT matter if there is an affair or not..
your spouse is in a panic because of a contact you have, you END the CONTACT until the panic softens down.. THEN you TALK
Your Husband does NOT need to admit an affair to help you.
