HB-I am not easily brought to tears, but my eyes are sweating right now making it hard to type after reading your post.
My response at length is on my other thread, so I'll try not to hi-jack this one.
My wife on round #1 had the crazed look during her PA time. Lied when the truth would fit better. Abandoned the most precious things to her, our kids during that time. In looking back, I never got to where she wanted me to be, and I still was not listening very good. She was emotionally detached most of the next 10 years.
Then around her 45th B-day she began to...well just be bitchy all the time, about everything. Our kids would come over on Sunday or whatever with the gkids and I'd be excited to have them there and feed them and she'd say something rude and go in the bedroom, so they'd leave. This kind of behavior persisted for another 4-5 years, and just got worse with her on my case incessantly. If we tried counseling, "they were all on my side". She began to just shut down, I was not very understanding, and she left again and filed for a D.
When I saw her for the first time after she left this time, a few weeks later she was genuinly happy to see me. We went out to dinner and a ball game and had a blast, but she would bring me back to earth telling me that she knew it was not Gods plan for a D, but she was doing it anyway.
I watched her getting darker and darker. I mean that figuratively, but also in actual looks. Others may know what I am saying. A few years later I found out she was being immoral during this time and trying to justify it. Her eyes during this time were as others have noted, completely empty of the spark that was normally there. After encouraging me to come over one evening, we ended up where I thought she wanted to go on the couch, only to have her freak out and then call her attorney who convinced her to file a police report for sexual assault. I had really not even done anything but this opened up my eyes as to where she was at, and the restraining order forced the NC for 3 months even though she would call me.
My kids were furious. At an upcoming baby blessing they told her that if she did not lift the order, it was her or me, and it was going to be me. That's the point that she started to see what her choices were doing to her family.
It took 2 more months to have things thaw between us with an upcoming wedding of our youngest daughter. The light came back into her eyes, and she rethought what was really important to her-her family and how a D would forever make a mess of that.
As I stated earlier, things after that were wonderfully great for awhile, but here I am now with another D on the horizon. I have to say that I have not seen the darkness (yet) of the other times. The weird, dysfunctional, unlogical behavior is everywhere, but her eyes still have a warmth and light to them.
I'm hoping this has not get off the topic too much, or about me and my sitch. It was meant to give others an idea that there is indeed hope. I heard "I'm done" alot during this time, as also the "can't be intimate speech" on a regular basis. I'm now hearing "I'm damaged goods" talk.
The point is-To them and ourselves. We CAN do anything we set our minds to, if we have the proper motivation. It has to come from within. Outside experiences can influence us and them for good, we all like to be treated with kindness. Don't get too discouraged when you hear they are "done" or they can't do this or that. Or when you say it yourself. Us humans are a pretty resilient bunch. Sometimes it just takes us awhile. Sometimes that while will be more then we are willing to wait. That may be ok too.
