I still feel and see boundaries with an MLC at the begining as a great way to fast track them out of the LBSers life. Come across as controling and everything the MLC wants to get away from.
I think maybe the consequences part of boundaries is what you feel drives the MLC'er away?
Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
What I find discouraging sometimes and admittedly frustrating, I have come accross several "newer" members who right out of the box are trying to determine if their spouse is a WAS or in MLC, some ever so determined in their analysis, how is one concidered at mid-life crisis when they in their 20'S?
Same answer each time, it doesn't matter which they are or aren't in. The fact of the matter is they are unhappy enough to throw everything away, and or cheat, destroy the children's lives, and to do this there MUST be valid reason to do so.
And it's the folks that want to argue, "no, my W/H is in MLC, I'm sure" who are the very same ones that will say they, themselves were the perfect spouse and did NOTHING wrong, and really delay the process.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Yes to boundaries in so much as "You will not sleep* with him in my bed while I'm in the smae room/house."
But a boundary with "Do not see him or I will walk away..."
...
Not many have the ability to walk away, the MLCer calls the bluff and now the LBS has no...bite.
I just see it as bad strategy.
Once the LBSer has been established as a changed and better person in the eys of the MLCer the boundary MIGHT work...they sure as should be in place if/when the MLC wants to 'work' on the relationship.
Hi Liss. : )
* sleep - come on really, you know what I mean?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I agree with Fig....The boundaries are for ourselves. I will admit that I sometimes float into the newcomer realm to mix things up......but the confrontation before addressing their own issues thing just eats me up.
I am still waiting to see the perfect person....until that time I accept we all have faults. How we deal with those faults is what defines us.
In the end...success is about ourselves and rising above the carnage.....which in IMHO speaks loudly of the people who choose this route.
"As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world - that is the myth of the atomic age - as in being able to remake ourselves. " Gandhi
I'm back to posting a bit more than before mostly because of the chaos that I keep finding in Newcomers.
When I first came here, I started out in Newcomers. If some of the more experienced folk hadn't come along and reached out to me, I'm not sure how long it would have taken me to fix my focus.
There's just too much pain and confusion in our lives when our spouse tells us they are done. Too much.
Those folks over there need someone reaching out to them, helping them to get their feet under themselves, helping them to make some sense of what is happening and how to begin to survive it.
I learned here, in some cases from some of you, that there is little that you can do initially to help your situation...but there is LOTS you can do to do it further damage. That's what worries me about over there right now. Person after person is arriving shell-shocked and being told a) that their spouse is probably having an affair, and b) that they should tell them to stop the affair or get out.
All that kind of advice does is place both the burden and the focus on the wandering spouse.
It's a shame.
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Totally agree B....I think only the really tough ones make it out of Newcomers....but like Jack said....maybe it is cutting out those who aren't really ready for the next steps.
