flowmom | need to commit to myself

[CityGirl]

I understand your dilemma with the children and not wanting to be away from them for 3 days. Personally I would not send your H that message nor ask for his help as far as him going with you.

If you do decide to send the message I would eliminate the part about asking his parents to help if it is not a realistic option.

I know this feels like forever to you but your situation is very, very new. While I can understand why you feel this would be a test as to where the two of you stand on co-parenting, it seems like a bit much IMO. The two of you have lots of kinks to work out as co-parents (I know you are both really trying).

Your children have been at your H's apartment for one night, correct? Is it a possibility for you to go alone for one night and have the children stay with your H. I know it would be cutting your weekend short but it might be an alternative solution.

[flowmom]

Your children have been at your H's apartment for one night, correct?

They've been there on two separate nights.

Is it a possibility for you to go alone for one night and have the children stay with your H. I know it would be cutting your weekend short but it might be an alternative solution.

No, there's significant travel time involved and it wouldn't really be worth it to go for less than the entire time.

[CityGirl]

I am sure somebody can advise you better. I guess all you can do is ask and see how receptive your H is to the idea. I would gently suggest you keep your expectations very low and not take it personally if he declines.

[Freckle6]

I saw you ask for H4L's input earlier and decided to stick my nose in too.

I don't know whether you should or shouldn't ask, but IMO, if you do ask him I would reword what you wrote. It sounds *very* formal and businesslike. And I would ditch the part about not wanting to be away from the kids for that long. He will interpret that in every possible wrong way--you don't trust him, you're controlling him, etc.

Is the location a place you could use as an excuse for asking him to come along with the kids (instead of it being because you'd miss them)? Like it's somewhere they've never been before and this city has the largest bounce house ever and you know they'd absolutely love that?

If you can figure out another angle like that, I'd ask casually and keep it light. Say you know this is a weird request and awkward, but that you'd love to go to this for the work opportunity and you know the kids would love to spend time in XXX and do XXX too so you were wondering if he would think about coming along/meeting you guys there to be with the kids when you're at work stuff. You can throw in the stuff about separate rooms (say, "Don't worry. We'd do separate rooms and all that.").

[flowmom]

Thanks for your comments CG and Freckle...all comments are welcome! I am feeling quite anxious about this.

Thanks for the feedback Freckle. I always get stuck in communicating in a formal way with H and I think that was a problem in my M. I guess it's a way of compensating for my vulnerability, but of course it's a turnoff for people, esp my H.

The most open and communicative that he's been with me was a week ago. On that day that I was visibly upset...and the day before I relaxed a bit and joked around about being excited about the hockey game -- both times me letting my guard down a bit and showing some genuine emotions (though in cautious, managed ways). I have to think about whether being "dim" and "closed" with H is a 180 for me, or more of the same of before we separated (where I was not making myself vulnerable and treating H very cautiously).

About the event location, it's a world class nature spot and the attraction would be going on beautiful hikes and somewhat child-friendly hikes...H is familiar with the attractions of the place and wouldn't need to be filled in on that. It's somewhere that he would want to take the kids, and in this case all the transportation and meals would be organized. He's done it before so he would be aware of the benefits and disadvantages.

[flowmom]

OK, another draft:

Hi Flowdad,

I just learned that [event*] is happening May 27-30 and I'd love to take advantage of this fun networking opportunity. I know this is a bit awkward, but would you consider coming with us and looking after the children? I think they would love [location], and the convenience of having the food and trips all organized would be nice. We could have separate rooms and all that of course.

Flowmom

[newmama]

Flowmom, I think the above email is way better than the first. I also think that it is fine to have H go with you instead of a babysitter (if financially not possible) because you would be showing the kids you can get along together as well as squeeze in family bonding without pressure...

[flowmom]

Thanks for your opinion newmama! I know that you've walked the tricky line of including your H in the family but also giving him space to do whatever WAHs supposedly need to do . This really would be good for ME, so I'm a bit more motivated to rock the boat here.

[Freckle6]

I love the second draft! Short and friendly.

I'd say to ask him but keep your expectations low. If he declines, don't "punish" him by putting up that formal wall since you've noticed that he responds better when you're more relaxed and natural. I have the tendency to turn into the ice queen too when I'm hurt or trying to protect myself.

If he doesn't want to go, I think you should still go. I know you'll miss your kids like crazy. I about went out of my mind when my son spent his first night with his father and 2 years later it still isn't much easier. Heck, he's in Kindergarten all day now and 6 months into it and I'm still walking around all day lost without him.

But I think you still going will show your H that you're not putting your life on hold because of him. It's obviously something you'd like to do, so do it for yourself. It's not till the end of May so you can prepare yourself as much as possible being away from your babies that long. I think it would be good for you to go.

[Kalni]

Someone already mentioned you have a good head on your shoulders, I think, and I agree 100%. Please let your head guide you at this point and not your emotions. I want to ask you something : what would you say if I told you "flo, if there is a chance for you and your H, your time slot (as we say in aviation) is not gonna come before 6-8 months pass by?" Would you still want this chance if you had to wait it out for such a long time? And then it would only be a chance, not certainty.

I may sound out of context but I want to point out to you that you are pushing yourself too hard too soon hoping you will get answers. It doenst work this way sweets. I've been there, done that. Spending 20 hours on these boards, consuming 100% my thought energy on my M, eager to listen to others give me hope, analyse, find answers etc etc. It's great you are working with C. Absorve what you talk about and take your time to plan your moves. Do NOT react. ACT!

Think of this as a "pause" in your M. A pause you need to use the best way you can for yourself. When you feel better, stronger, more confident,then you can fight for you M. I am very confident, in cases like yours/mine, couples need to detox from each other. It took along time to create perceptions that arent positive, it will take time to replace them. It's what DBing says get rid off negative feelings. It's making room for positive feelings to come back and grow. Negative doenst mean hostile. Negative in my case was the idea he had we couldnt spend time together without fighting, (forgetting we only started fighting after he fell in love). I tried to change that but I was all over the place, no consistency, anger, fear,resentment hidden not so good, easy for him to sense. Things started shifting when I started letting go. (Faking it at first-fake it till you make it!!)
When I started having fun with my friends. When he could see I was looking forward to him taking the kids so I could do "my thing". There was no pressure between us. His isolated words, allthough overly analysed here, stopped meaning it was over or that we were doing better. He couldnt make me spin as much. I started joking about his reactions on here. My lows lasted less and I could handle them better. He started feeling comfortable, he could stay and have lunch/dinner with us... After that, he was in deep sh!t because she didnt look so perfect anymore. Our bond was getting stronger.
The stages are mentioned all over the board. Loose negative feelings, friendship, etc etc

You have identified things that were issues between you two. Keep them in mind while you interact with him but focus solely on you.

Regarding your letter, if he says no, do you really have a back up plan? Would you cancel? Because if you have been dependent on him for quite some time, you dont want to repeat history. If your H is so goal oriented, this could be your chance for a nice 180.

Sorry about my English, or if I sound confusing. I will get back here tommorow. H just showed up early today and surprised me. Miracles do happen.
Make sure you know what you want.
K