new information from W : NOW WHAT, pro's please .

[sandi2]

First let me say that two weeks is like one grain of sand on a beach. Does that help to give you an idea of how much patient you will need? Okay, maybe not quite that comparison, but close. Men tend to think the WAW should just get over everything and be ready to be their old self and lay on the kisses & hugs......and it ain't gonna happen. She may try at first, but usually her true feelings win over and it's too hard for her to cover up. So, you have to give her much, much time.

You have got to stop with the R talks. It will only hurt you at this point. You seem to think that having a R talk will fix what is wrong, but it seldom does in these cases. If it is under the guidance of a professional then that may be different, but when it is one on one.....not good. I believe that time has a way of healing, but you need to exercise your changes also--or resentment and other problems will be pushed down and not dealt with. I'm not saying that you should never address any problems. I'm saying that she is not ready to hear a lot of talking. She doesn't want "talk", she wants to see changes.

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In the future, whenever you plan on going someplace, just make it more causual and say, "The kids and I are going to ______ if you would like to join us". This doesn't put as much pressure on her. I don't think you really realize how so many things are "pressure" to her and she's trying to hang in just as you are.

If you ask and then turn around and say it might be best if it were just you and the kids, that's not too comfortable.

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You wanted to know about winning her respect back. That will mostly take time, but you've got to get started with a set of good consistant principles and try to think about what is important to her. What is unimportant to you could be VERY important to her. Let me give you an example:

I did tell her that our friends dont mean anything. I admitted to not defending her, but I told her that they are just friends.

Let me tell you something and don't forget this.....EVER. A woman doesn't care if it is herd of cows in the pasture, you better come to her defense!! Nothing makes a woman feel lower than zero than for her man to laugh with others at her expense, or to say/do nothing in her defense. Don't say that person wasn't important.....THAT'S NOT THE ISSUE TO HER. The issue is they disrespeced her!

Now, if it is something in good taste that is funny and she laughs, that may be different, but you have to be realistic here and stay focused. (You know what I mean by it being in good taste and all good-hearted, right?) But if your W is not laughing, it wasn't funny to her, so even if what was said wasn't bad....at least stand by her and don't laugh with the others. Show a little support. However, I don't think what those people were doing or what you did was in good taste! But here's the main thing, if anyone (man or woman)says anything negative about your W....that's your clue to stick up for her. Depending on what is said, of course, you don't have to get into a fist fight, but you can use your place as her H to speak up. That is as good as being a knight in shinning armour. Unless she has no class at all, she will appreciate you be so gallant. (I hate these women who are ready to start pulling hair and rolling around on the ground like some kind of dogs!) You don't have to use bad language in order to defend her, but you can still get your point across in a firm way. Don't let it get far enough along to be ugly....stop it short.

That part you told about her own father told me a lot of what is eating at her. He shows disrespect for his own daughter! He acted like trash in her home. How low-class was that? So, she "needs" you to be her knight b/c her father sure wasn't. My suggestion would be if there is a next time....make it like....."My W's cooking is wonderful. It's too bad you don't appreciate what she did by cooking for you."

I believe that fathers influence their D's so strongly in their R's with their H's. This girl needs a hero, and she wants it to be you! I promise that puts her in the loving mood quicker than most anything.

Why is it that only the bad stuff remains in the mind...

B/c she's been hurt so badly for so long. You said yourself that her own daddy was a S@B. She couldn't have had much self esteem or feel loved growing up. It will take a lot to overcome all she has suffered, but I bet you have what it takes. What do you think?