How (and who) to expose if OP is not married

[Allen A]

I just got my from my first appointment with FT and I made another appointment with him.

Good call, I like what I have seen so far... keep agoing, its educational... its either that or going to church and trying to work via metaphor

He had a lot of the books that are mentioned on this board in his office including Not Just Friends and he had divorce busting. He said that he is promarriage because many people don't really realize the impact and consequences of divorce until it is too late. I asked him the questions that I had including:

These are all excellent signs. This is all perfect stuff here to see when you walk in and start a talk.

1. What does he do when one the cheating spouse won't even acknowledge the affair
2. What does he do when the cheating spouse (CS) won't agree to NC even if there is a child involved.

These again are excellent questions. Thank you both for asking them and for posting his responses.

He answered question #1 saying that a couple has to come to a consensus of what has occurred. He said without this consensus work on the marriage CANNOT actually happen. If both spouses don't agree with the event that establishes the first mutual agreement (I am not explaining this all the way but you get the gist).

Yup, that's pretty much my thinking too...

QUestion #2...He said that if the CS won't agree to NC then that says alot about the commitment to reconcile. He said trust can be rebuilt with the CS not cutting off all contact but it is an uphill battle. He said he has seen cases where the OW/OM might be the next door neighbor or a coworker or even a SIL and it makes complete NC difficult. He recommends that the CS quit their job, move, etc but if it is not possible he can work with the couple but odds are against them fully recovering and building trust. HE said in the case of having a child involved he recommends an intermediary and if that is not possible he went as drastic as saying you would have to cut out contact with the child at a young age until the child gets old enough to contact the child directly without involvement of other parent. (I feel that this is too drastic and punishes the child unfairly).

Nothing is fair about the situation... why shoudl teh child grow up with a part tiem father in teh first place? It all sucks.

I honeslty don't understnad why an intermediary can't work, I have been advocating them here for a long time... I think mb28 found them to work well, I think she tried that a few times and didn't have any problem with it.

His point of a trust is a very important one, that part must be worked on before any of the fluffy stuff really can be received properly... no woman or man who has been betrayed is going to recieve any postiive marital affirmations if they don't trust their spouse.

BTW, husband has called me a total of 10 times so far. He doesn't take well to NC. I did schedule another appt with this FT.

I didn't expect he would. I take it you sent the email?

I STRONGLY reccomend you change your cell nubmer.. his constant calling is giong to eat away at you and is not reinforcing protection phase.. the PP is supposed to protect you from the unheahtly reminders of affairs and unhealthy lifestyles, if your phone is ringing ten times a day to remind yo ofthat, you aren't protecting yourself very well.

I DO understand for the first few days you want to monitor his response and counting the phone calls is a safe way to do that..

But it CAN become a probelm if you keep the phone on and watching for his calls...

Eventually he will one day NOT call and you will start to worry... you keep your self attached to his unhealthy life through the phone rining.. I reccomend turning it off if you can.

All good stuff to see though, I like this FT.