Talk About a Quick Divorce

[elscotto]

Okay all I am new to this site so bear with me on my lack of abbreviation use.

Last summer I sent my wife,kids, mother, and wife's parents on a trip to Korea and Thailand. I couldn't go because I had to work and didn't have vacation time in the corporate job I worked. I always used my cavation time for the businesses that my wife an I owned. So she gets back from the trip and she is distanct and over reacts to a lot of things. I think in retrospect she was baiting me on a lot of stuff and I didn't know it at the time and engaged in some over the top battles.

So things just aren't going too well with us and I attributed that to stress. I came to her and sat down with her one Sunday night at the end of August and said "I really feel like we are letting stress and small things become a problem for us and I am concerned that if we continue this someone will say or do something that will cause a lot of harm. I love you an I you are important to me and I want for us to get along better and the way we should." She started tearing up and didn't say anything so I said well "Do you love me and o you want to be married to me?" She answered that she didn't know anymore. It was like a kick in the gut because there were no signs things were really wrong--again I thought she was just stressed with the businesses.

So I think that she is really feeling neglected by me and not feeling loved or important so I stress how important she is to me and how she is everything. She was very withdrawn so I asked her if there was someone else and she answered no but that she thought it was human nature to find other people interesting and that there were people that interested her married or not. I dropped that line that night. The next night I asked her again and she said no but that she had been "talking" to someone. I asked her to cut all communications with the person so we could work on our marriage and she said "its not about the other person its about us." I ask her if she has been unfaithful to me and she said "No, I could never do that." Then she asks me the same thing and I said no but why do you ask? She said I just figured you had with all the business travel you have done and the chances you have had. This is 9-1-09

So over the next several days she gets more and more withdrawn and of course I make all the mistakes I shouldn't have and should have dettached but didn't. So she says she thinks it might be a good idea to separate. I said "separation is one thing but if its a true seperation then we don't date others and we are not intimate with others otherwise its just a divorce that hasn't happened yet." She said okay. Then two days later expresses utter surprise when I mentioned that and said "I didn't agree to that and I don't recall that. This is 9-16-09. So in the meantime I am going to counseling by myself to try and save the marriage. She says she thinks counselors are quacks and if you shop hard and long enough you can always find one to agree with you. I told her on 9-19-09 that I had an appt with the counselor (Sat evening) and acted like I was going. Instead I borrowed a friend's car that she didn't know and followed her. She lied to me and told me that she was going out withthe girls but went on a date with the OM. It was a family "friend" who has small children and is married and is in the same martial arts club my family is in and was on the trip last summer.

It took all I could not to beat the hell out of them when I confronted them in the parking garage kissing and making out in his vehicle. I didn't call his wife but they thought I did so they called and fessed up. This was 9-19-09

9-20-09 I asked her to move out the next day. She didn't even apologize. When I pointed that out she murmured "sorry" and I said for what? Doing it or getting caught? She said "Neither--for hurting you." I said it would be good for her to have her own place and good for the kids not to see us fight or anything. She signed a lease for a house on 9-21-09 started sleeping there after the kids went to bed and coming back to my house in the morning before they woke up so they wouldn't ask questions.

Then she tells me the relationship has never been right and was most likely a mistake from the beginning. I said well we have 3 beautiful kids, a beautiful home, a marraiage that others envied and modeled their own after and you are telling me this is messed up? She said you have changed and you aren't the person I knew etc...and she no longer loved me and hadn't for a long time and didn't want to fix the marriage. She was done. I said okay then I can get a divorce done quickly.

So my attorney (she didn't get one) said he could have a divorce done in a week. He advises me to sit down with her and work out who gets what and give hime the list and he will write up a contract and enter it in as a part of th divorce decree. We divided up a LOT of money, house, assets, and businesses between 9-21-09 and our divorce was final 10-09-09.

Timeline
Bomb = 8-31-09
Catching her cheating 9-19-09
Divorce = 10-09-09

[elscotto]

My attorney said get this thing done asap or you will be dragging this out for a year and its going to cost you a lot of money, businesses, probably your job because you can't concentrate etc...You can always go back and get married again if you guys decide it was a mistake but at least you are protecting your assets and making sure that you STBX doesn't go out and blow away your kids security.

So, the ex and her OM didn't seem to think in a small community, being in the same martial arts club, and the coincidence of the two divorces happening so quickly out of what was perfectly happy enviable relationships would raise an eyebrow. In my Ex's words, "There is no reason why anyone besides the 4 of us should ever have to know this." Guess what everyone knows this. Some of them put it together based on pictures on hers and his facebooks that show them near each other in all the pictures etc...Soooooo now she doesn't have a lot of support, she took a lot less out of the divore than she could have because she wanted out so quickly and she was concerned I would litigate it. My attorney said he would put her on the witness stand and cross examine her, her OM, call into question her judgement, file the divorce under adultry as opposed to irrenconcileable differences, and that all proceedings would be a part of public record. She walked with 1/2 the savings, securities etc... and I took the larger of two business. She went from 500k a year household income to 90-100k a year because I work a full time corporate job on top of the businesses we own/owned and she didn't get alimony or child support.

So in the next posts I will get onto the questions and hopefully some feedback from of you all. The affair is still going on. He told his 9 year old that he was going to "date" Ms XXXXX. They have been divorced only 2 mos.

More to follow.

S

[elscotto]

So here we are 4 mos after the D and 6 months ago I had ZERO idea there was anything wrong in our marriage. I did some bad things through the process. When she indicated that she might be "interested" in someone else I went crazy and went into total detective mode. I logged into our cell phone records and looked for texting or calling patterns, looked at the business phone records of where she worked (we owned that business) and didn't see any smoking guns. Even in the middle of the night--because most know if you have been through this sleep becomes a distant friend that you don't see enough of so I installed a key stroke logger on her Mac. The Mac OS caught that but she wasn't transacting the affair via that anyway because I did capture enough to see it was just business. Finally, I figured it out--she was using her phone and Blackberry messenger to do it. I have an iphone and so didn't have the application and couldn't even mesage her that way.

After I caught her out with the OM but before the D our mutual friends asked me/us to consider a 30 day cooling off period. I offered it to her but I said I would do that only on the condition that she cease contact with the OM. She said that wasn't relaistic because he was in the same martial arts club and she saw him as a part of that. I said well we'd need to schedule so that you aren't there when he is. She got mad and said let's just get this done. So I said okay I will respect your wishes and we did.

People from the martial arts club started approaching me and offering support and help with our boys when I had them. This I guess was my first indication that they knew something and had decied it wasn't necessarily my doing. The OM's STBX wife confronted my ex and told her that she was a low life home wrecking Ho' and it just got uglier. People from the martial arts school stopped inviting my ex and the OM to functions and parties however my ex still is friends with a couple of the families in the neighborhood and most of her social life revolves around doing exactly what she was doing before we split only just without me there. I am sure that she is just holding on to some of the things she once had.

I wouldn't take the ex back and even if I would it would be doomed for failure. She betrayed me when she went to the Asian trip while I worked at home and kept the house together. However, it pains me to see that her mothering has changed so dramatically. She had custody of the kids on New Years Eve and I specifically stayed away from the party where we go every year (the house next door to mine in my neighborhood) so that people wouldn't be uncomfortable with us both there. She came to the party and then ended up leaving and letting my boys stay there while she went to another mutual friend's party with the OM and then most likely back to his palce or hers and then didn't return for the kids until 2 am. The neighbors and friends were pretty disgusted with her. Had I known I would have come tot he party so my boys were not alone on New Years Eve.

More to follow--trying to break up a sag into something easier to read and digest.

[elscotto]

So now her life is one of most of her "friends" sem to be offering her support--not for someone that was in and escaped a bad situation and a bad world but more from a friend who sees someone going through a tough time. I've been pretty brutal on the ex where I have found out that she has painted me out to be a monster and has constructed a revisionist history of the marriage and how unhappy its been for so many years and so on. I am sorry but I just have not been a big enough person to just sit idly by and in my opinion watch her "get away" with betraying me, destroying our marriage, having an affair, and then leaving the marriage without any desire to save it--if for nothing else the kids and then sally forth with a smooth transition to the "new life" ready made complete with a new man.

I still love her and suspect that I always will. I would like to have the fairy tale life back that we once had. This weekend is the first weekend in 7 years that we have not taken the kids snow skiing with the rest of the families we ran around with. They are still going just without us. More than anything it kills me to see my kids in this situation. This hit them so hard and so out of the blue like it did with me that they were shattered. They only once in a while ever even saw mom and dad disagree and then it was usually because one of use were crabby over something and ended quickly. By my ex's admission we have had only 5 major arguments that got heated since we have been together going back to college days 21 years ago. It just was a shock to me, the kids, our friends, family etc...

I don't know what to do with her these days in terms of how much to engage and dettach. Even if she wanted to come back tomorrow it would be no but I don't want to alienate her because I think I might see a "What the hell have I done?" crash coming at some point in the future. She walked away from a lot on the premis that "her business and her martial arts" gave her the confidence to do this. The problem is the business doesn't support her in the lifestyle she had for 16 years (she has been a stay at home mom until we opened the businesses in 2005) and the martial arts club/family has for the most part turned their back on her and the OM. The neighbor/friends live next to me--not her so they are starting to gradually shift away so it only leaves the ex with the OM. Not much to take away from what she had.

Will she crash? time will tell. What should I be looking for? What should I expect if she comes to me and wants forgiveness? I can't--she openly chose another person over me, her home, her marriage, and in some regards her kids.

[elscotto]

A big part of me wants to be a nice person and another competing side of me says just minimize any contact with her that doesn't involve the kids, move along, be a good me, and focus on the forward not the past. I don't know why she is so angry at me these days and wonder was it:

1. The terms of the divorce and the fact that her income and lifestyle took a major hit?
2. the fact that her affair got out and people took sides and overwhelmingly took my side?
3. The fact that she is living in a rental house now versus her dream home that we built 10 years ago in a neighborhood with her friends? Before anyone rushes to judgement its not a shack--she has a 3 car garage and 3500 feet or so in the rental.
4. Is she coming to some realization that it might have been easier to have just worked on her marriage?
5. Is some of the luster wearing off the OM?
6. Does she just out and out hate me and therefore regardless of the terms was the divorce justified? Maybe it was and maybe it was meant to be.

I'd like to wake up one of these days and have her standing at the door saying it was a huge mistake and she can't believe what she's done. I can't say I would be able to take her back but it would at least let me know I am not crazy and marriage wasn't a sham all these years.

[TulsaTime]

I am sorry you are here. You seem to be handling this pretty well. I don't know what to advise you to do, as only you know what's in your heart. I am a pro marriage kind of guy. Since you are on this thread, I believe you are not done.

As for your questions, there is a good possibility that she will some day realize what she has done. She is addicted to OM right now, which prevents that from happening. I know, I had an affair and I was willing to throw it all away. Once I came out of my fog, I then realized my mistake. It may be awhile though.

I would recommend posting your thread in the Newcomers section though. This thread doesn't have alot of activity - not many people try reconciling efforts after a divorce.

[Golfgirl1]

I found you over here as well. Figured I might as well start looking at the "divorce" thread as that's where I'm headed as early as next week.

Our marriage was the envy of our friends, etc. until he walked out last June after the *speech* on May 23. I never saw it coming. Last summer I just tried to pick myself up off the floor. Then, I found this board which was a lifesave. I fought hard, but fighting the OW became too much. She works with my stbxh and is a better choice for him, I guess.

I was doing so well until stage #4 of grief hit a couple of weeks ago. Getting through it has been a challenge I didn't foresee. Luckily I found a divorce support group where I found understanding friends.

The financial piece scares the hell out of me, but I chose not to operate from fear and trust the universe will send me all I need. He and I had just reached the pinnacle of our careers when he decided to throw our life away.....

Wish I could think about dating again, but my heart is too broken. Maybe someday.:(

[Cautious]

Anger is a defense mechanism. She is currently in self preservation mode. In order to keep herself from feeling the pain, she has to be angry. She surrounds herself with friends that will support her in the path she chose because it makes her feel justified. You can't reason with her anger. You can't make her realize how good she had it with you. Only she can make those decisions and it's going to take some time.

Time to saddle in and good luck!

[elscotto]

Golf, I am sorry I missed your post here. I WISH I could help you--in a lot of respects I have had it SO good through this process. The thing I do know is the old adage that its always darkest before dawn is going to be true for you.

For me life sucked and sucked badly and then one day I just kinda stood up and said "hey what she does is what she does and is a reflection on her and only her." People aren't stupid and even though they won't openly shun my ex (or yours) as I/we would have like to have seen happen eventually people drift away from people with whom they don't share core values.

Golf--I'll track you down on your current threads. I have gotten so muchfrom this board I hope I can give back a little!

[Golfgirl1]

I hope the darkness is gone for awhile and I can start living for me. You are SO right, this is not a reflection of me, but of him. I asked stbxh how he can even walk into his business when everyone knows he dumped me for the VP of his company after I stood by him and support him (emotionally and financially) for 20 years! He said, "well, I haven't told anyone." HUH?? Like he thinks people don't know and have lost TONS of respect for the both of them. Anyway, enough focus on them, back to ME which is where I am spending my time. The weather out here is getting gorgeous and its' golf season!! What could be better?? Oh, and St. Pat's Day...heading to downtown Denver for some green beer and Luck of the Irish!

Thanks for checking in; how are things with you?