Maybe this slipped through the cracks of your consciousness....
Originally Posted By: Gnosis
May I suggest the following: Reveal (not tell) that you are going to seek therapy to see how you can improve communication. Tell him this is what you need to do and ask him if he is prepared to help you. Do it as an experiment and gauge his reaction. Choose your timing wisely i.e. NOT when he has just gotten home from work and NOT when you can see he is in a bad mood.
ST - I get what you are saying and understand you are coming from a different and outside prospective. I'm just trying to give you mine so you can advise me the best way possible.
All my friends think my H is a jerk and I shouldn't be with him - it's always been that way. I've even had strangers come up to me throughout the years and say, "why are you with that guy?" It's hard to admit to myself I married a man who has always been shady.
I am trying hard here..putting up with his affair goes against everything about me and I don't even know why I'm here sometimes. It's only 3 1/2 months so I am learning...thinking....grieving...sh*t...I'm so confused at times.
So maybe this is just a vent - I don't want to sound wishy washy but I am feeling a little defeated at the moment.
Yesterday he came home at regular time - this is the 3rd day in a row - ow must be out on a bank closing...so as for reconnecting...not sure about that - he really didn't talk to me at all when he got home and he slept on the couch. I was curious to see if he'd come to bed but he didn't. That tells me alot.
I found myself angry at him this morning so I decided to do a nice thing for him and make his lunch while he showered. He said, thanks and left.
Can you tell I'm not feeling very positive this morning? I guess I'm just a little pissed but I'll snap out of it.
Thank you ST - for your valuable time - I can only hope to be as loving and patient as you are.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Yesterday he came home at regular time - this is the 3rd day in a row - ow must be out on a bank closing (AGAIN, YOUR TURNING A POSITIVE INTO A NEGATIVE)...so as for reconnecting...not sure about that - he really didn't talk to me at all when he got home and he slept on the couch. I was curious to see if he'd come to bed but he didn't. That tells me alot.
it will only tell you alot depending on what you did the day before. so when he did come to the room, what did you do differently? how was your attitude. it seemed to me that the day he stayed in your bed you were agreeing to what he wanted to do, but you didn't seem very happy about it. like you were just conceding. people don't want their spouse to just concede. they want them to be engaged.
also, if your friends have always said what a jerk he is, and you think he is so conniving and evil, why are you trying to make this work?
one, because I think deep down you don't 100% believe that, and 2 because you do love him, and you love him for a reason.
don't forget the 2 years that he wasn't being loved by you. do you think that possibly, your actions caused reactions in him? and vice versa? the answer is yes.
if your H has been a jerk from the day you met him, then maybe I would have a little change in opinion, but I doubt that is true. Your friends only heard your side and only see your hurt. Us LBS's are not the only ones hurting.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
oh, and just because he stayed in your bed one night, doesn't mean they will all the sudden just be back in your bed. so him not going back tells nothing imho. this is an experience of ups and downs, even when you think things are going good. that's just how it is. it's the average of your ups and downs that you must gauge.
are you taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back, or 2 steps back and 1 step forward? if the average movement is going in the right direction, then you are okay. you must not measure this in terms by day, it must be measured in terms of weeks and months.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
also, if your friends have always said what a jerk he is, and you think he is so conniving and evil, why are you trying to make this work?
one, because I think deep down you don't 100% believe that, and 2 because you do love him, and you love him for a reason.
I do see things in him I really like..I guess this is a true statement. I know who he CAN be deep down and I've hoped for 22 yrs but he's constantly proven me otherwise.
Last edited by luvless; 03/09/1007:08 PM.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
read this on Dr. Mercola's website (he gets a million hits a day, was on the Dr. Oz show) and I thought this was appropriate for you, and actually for most of us here.
"People who have problems loving themselves always seem to have problems learning to forgive others. Non-forgiveness shuts that door. But when you forgive and when you let go, not only does a huge weight drop off from you and the doorway to your own self-love opens up.
When you won't forgive, when you won't let go what you are really doing is binding yourself to the past and when you are stuck in the past you cannot live in present time. And if you cannot live in present time, how are you going to create a healthy and exciting future?"
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I know who Dr. Mercola is...smart man. I get what you're saying but it's not like I want to stay in an "unforgiving" state. I want to forgive but how can you when someone doesn't even acknowledge what they've done?
Anyway...thanks ST - I know I'm being tested. I do.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Hi Luv, I'm not as up on your sitch as I would like to be... so this might be totally out of left field...
What are you doing to better your communication? Seems the running theme is that needs improvement for both of you - but what are you doing about it??
Patience is tough, he may not want to acknowledge his hurt toward you until he feels safe in that. It's up to you to decide if you want to give him the safety - nothing says you have to - but you need to decide soon. He seems to be reaching out, testing the waters, seeing if you are receptive. This might be a small window and its up to you to decide if you want to let it close.
You've put in the time and the effort, make sure you get what you want out of this. Make sure you keep doing what works!!!
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
Hi Luv, I'm not as up on your sitch as I would like to be... so this might be totally out of left field...
What are you doing to better your communication? Seems the running theme is that needs improvement for both of you - but what are you doing about it??
Patience is tough, he may not want to acknowledge his hurt toward you until he feels safe in that. It's up to you to decide if you want to give him the safety - nothing says you have to - but you need to decide soon. He seems to be reaching out, testing the waters, seeing if you are receptive. This might be a small window and its up to you to decide if you want to let it close.
You've put in the time and the effort, make sure you get what you want out of this. Make sure you keep doing what works!!!
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
