Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

Sandi, Steve, Maynard, thank you. I can't help but think of my sitch lately and feel nothing but despair/hopelessness. I feel like I will never be given another chance by my W. I ask myself why? I feel like her mind is made up and there's no changing it. Sometimes I question why I should even bother. I don't want to give up but it's hard to feel hopeful when my W seems convinced this is what she wants and tells me she won't change her mind.

Steve, your comments raise an interesting view about my W wanting to be challanged. I hadn't thought about it that way. I thought she meant she wanted to be challenged by having someone who would challange her intellectually, emotionally. Otherwise I still am really not sure what she means by being with someone who challanges her. She did say she wants to be challanged by her work. I agree with you that challanges/work does boost her ego. So your perspective on why she wants to be challenged is something I hadn't thought about. I'm afraid that she doesn't want to be challanged by me though. I hate feeling this way, insecure, anxious, nervous about what will happen. I do try very hard to show confidence around my W. When we talked I didn't think I was acting needy. I felt that I was trying to be mature about this sitch and try to talk to my W about it. I didn't think I begged or pleaded. Instead I was just looking to have a healthy conversation about things since we have been together for so long I figured that this should be something we can talk about. From all of the advice given to me it seems that even though I see things one way that it's really the wrong way to handle this sitch. Your view definitely gives me something to think about.

Sandi, this is so hard...so hard to know the right thing to do all of the time. I do not want to lose this wondeful woman. I kick myself in the a$$ everyday how I didn't "wake-up" a long time ago when I could have done something to save my M. I can look back and see some of the times/signs that my W gave me and I didn't listen. Why does it have to come to this for couples to finally see the issues and take steps to try to improve the M? Why didn't I make these changes when I had the chance? What a fool I have been. I'm afraid that I have now lost the best thing that ever happened in my life. Maybe it's easier for some people to just move on and find someone new. I can't do that. I don't want anyone else. After being apart from my W for 5 months all it has done is make me realize just how much I love my W. I knew I always loved her but now I know what effect she has on my life.

I'm not trying to be selfish, needy, pursuing, causing her stress, pushing her further away. I'm honestly trying to do the right thing. I'm trying to take away the stresses of the house, car, etc. even though it's not in my best interest as I will not make out well at all by agreeing to her way that she wants to handle these issues. So I'm willing to do this asap to take this stress off of her as I know we have lived with this kind of stress for years. I am so afraid that if I let her go that she will never come back. I am afraid that if I don't push for C now that she will not want to go in the future. I am afraid that if I go dark that she will enjoy the freedom and not want to come back. I wonder if I could get her to go to C now that she might share more of her feelings so I know more of what I need to work on. It's a tough decision. These are my feelings. I do not share this with her. I do hear what you are saying too that this might not be the right time for C.

I was NC with her for most of February. I was strong and kept my position on issues with her. I don't know if it had any effect on her. She did begin to do some things my way (no more emails, face to face meetings, began phone calls again) but the NC didn't seem to have any improvement on the M. When I spoke to my DB coach, I told her that my concern for NC was that my W would just grow further apart from the M. My DB coach said at some point that I would have to test the waters. I'm guessing that now is not the right time?

That's the question I keep struggling with...when is the right time to test the waters with her? 3 more months, 6 months, longer? I have been forced to learn patience for what I have had to endure from my company when it went out of business and all that came with that process. I can be patient with my W too. Even when I dealt with the problems of my company I never had any fear. This sitch with my W has made me fearful, I'm not used to it.

I do love my W enough to let her go. Wow, that was a hard thing to say. Let her go... I would love to think letting her go would bring her back. I read TBL's sitch and his experience with RV. His W pretty much told him that she was done. TBL was able to get his W to RV and things seem to have improved for him. What a wonderful thing for him, I'm very happy for him. This makes me wonder though, if RV (even if I can get my W to go in the future) could help us too? So many "what ifs". I admit it, yes, I am trying to get my W to C to try to save this M. I still cannot see any serious issues that should lead our M to D. I think if we could find the right C, and we both truly worked on ourselves, that we could have a lifelong happy M. I read the "Why I Must Change" section and it makes good sense. I told my W that I am working on making the necessary changes and even admitted that I'm not there yet. Told her that I know actions and not words, is what I need to do. She didn't make any comments when I said this to her, she just listened so i don't know if any of it registered with her? I wonder if she really is looking for change? Knowing how my W acted in some of our discussions when we were together, her silence during a conversation usually meant she was thinking about what I was saying. Who knows now?

When I hear the way (her tone) my W tells me she wants a D and doesn't want to work to reconcile, I feel hopeless. That's why I asked if some of this is WAW script or not. Seems like others here have heard the same thing and over time their sitch improves. For some reason I don't think I will be that lucky. I know my W was depressed that we didn't go out much for the past few years and do anything exciting. I wanted to do these things but financially we couldn't afford it during those couple of years after the company went under. It made me feel terrible that I couldn't do these things for my W. I felt like a failure which only contributed more to my depression.

Maynard, it is hard to do, to let go. Especially when I can see that this M can be saved. I'll give her the space she needs. I feel like giving her this space means the end of the M and gives no chance or reconciliation as my W seems like her mind is made up. I'm afarid she won't miss me.

Thanks again for listening. Sorry if I came off as weak in this post. I just needed to get some of this off my chest and share my feelings. I'll pull myself up and follow the advice given to me. Yes, it hurts. I am sooo in love with this woman.