It is the same incident, except she told me more of her feelings that I didnt know about that made it worse for me. Its like it stabbed me in the heart. I told her that I really feel bad and that she does understand that I was in a drunken state..
Seriously, I DONT HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM AT ALL.. I AM NOT IN DENIAL EITHER.. I SWEAR.. My wife, mother sister, everyone around me will tell you the same. My father was an alcholic and I swore to myself I would never be like that.. EVER..
I guess for the past 2 weeks, I have tried the detach method. I thought I was doing good but as usual when you dont see any change in the W behaviour and more of the same I guess you get desperate. Saturday night I know I blew it again.. Talked R, tried to get a hug etc, and it felt like I was hugging a penguin which just came out of the cold water... Sooo.. since then, back to detach mode.
I have set some goals for myself now. 1) join a gym. 2) Work on improving myself.. 3) taking me and the 3 kids to CANCUN.. in June..
re: trip, I spoke with W about this. She is unsure she wants to come. I told her that I would love to see her there, but not just go because of the kids. Also because she may want to be there with me too!... I know, wishfull thinking.. I think I should go alone with the kids only. When we spoke about it, she tells me she understands why I say what I did.. Do I believe her? dont know..
I need to add another thought. My W had a falling out with girlfriends etc which I explained in my sitch. One of the things that came up during this new information section, was that she lost respect for me because I never defended her with our friends. How in the world do I get that respect back?
I did tell her that our friends dont mean anything. I admitted to not defending her, but I told her that they are just friends. I brought up a time that her father disrespected her in our home one day and critisized her cooking, that it was the same"crap" all the time. I stood up to her father as I had enough of him and told him that basically if he didnt like our food and her cooking that he is more than welcome to leave. He actually first finished the dinner and then left!!... A@@whole.. I swear. He has never been good to her. Mean SOB!! W said, yes I remember that, and that was good.
Why is it that only the bad stuff remains in the mind...
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
OK, the only problem I think you have with drinking, from the outside looking in, is that you become an as$! So, I'd steer clear from that...
Hey, I can't drink wine, if I want to stay awake... So, if I'm spending time w/the family, watching movies, etc... guess who doesn't drink wine? Moi!
Same principle!
On my thread you said you admired my confidence. Confidence comes from liking what you are doing, how you are being, how you are handling things. I haven't had any for a LONG time... a robotic presence. I LIKE my movement off the fence. I LIKE that I'm shaking things up, just a bit...
Regarding your not sticking up for her to her/your friends. I think she's looking for another item to add to her ticker list of things that suck about you. IMHO
If there's a chance to support her in the future, do it. If there's a chance to be "her man" w/out the rest of the muck, do it. Other than that, let it go, and move on.
Cancun, huh? All-inclusive or no? Fun! How will the kids handle going w/just you? Considering they don't really know what is going on...
It's kind of weird. I know for so long I did what you are doing w/the bringing up of the R, and asking for hugs, etc... I read it now, and think, ICK! That is so unattractive! I would never want some sap following me around wanting a damn hug! I can say this, because I WAS WHERE YOU ARE in this process.
Be consistent...
#1 - BACK OFF #2 - BACK OFF #3 - Lay some boundaries about the Crackberry and FB. #4 - Join that gym!!! Now, that's hot! #5 - Self-improvement - stay away from the sauce even if you don't have a typical "drinking problem..." It will make you combative, emotional and stupid. BEEN THERE!!! #6 - Keep posting.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Mindfull, I so agree with what your saying, but practicing it is a different challenge..
Great insight for me on the regaining the respect. I have started to do that. The boundaries with the Crackberry and FB are tough because I feel that I would be controlling her, and this is why I leave it alone.
You see, we get along great for the most part. We live together, sleep in same bed, have dinner together as a family almost every night, but there is that void!...
I work from home. I am a mortgage broker. I am here 24- 7.. I take the kids to school everyday and pick them up. Make dinner every night becasue W works and comes home later and the kids are hungry... so is dad!! lol.. Somedays I feel like being a hardass and say, screw this!. if this is what you want then, BYE BYE!.... but I want my family together.
Regarding the trip. This is a toughy.. Kids dont know whats going on. They ask us at least once a week about going away. We usually do. Its all inclusive. I now that my W mentioned it to my S14 and he said it would suck if she wasnt there. She told me that she felt badly when he said that. I really want her to come, but I dont want to come across as pursuing or anything like that. I want to make her feel that I am letting go.
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
Somedays I feel like being a hardass and say, screw this!. if this is what you want then, BYE BYE!.... but I want my family together.
Interesting thought, sometimes this MALE instinct comes up inside your head that says be a MAN and take charge of this situation but you suppress it because being NICE (and dishonest about how you're being treated) to your wife will one day get you what you want.
The boundaries with the Crackberry and FB are tough because I feel that I would be controlling her, and this is why I leave it alone.
Yup leave it alone, "hey wife, it's cool that you talk to other guys, apparently you want to talk to other men but not me, but hey I'm NICE and I'll let you do whatever you want including disrespecting me because I'm AFRAID to lose you"
.... yeah she never picks up on that vibe ever ;-)
You see, we get along great for the most part. We live together, sleep in same bed, have dinner together as a family almost every night, but there is that void!...
Yes we're like FRIENDS, the kind of FRIENDS where a woman can be free to be friendly to you without having to worry about any romantic implications or sexual attraction or anything like that ;-)
