Bill, I keep reading other people's other sitchs to see where I am on the road to recovery. Even though she filed in August, you two have only been apart three months physically.
At my three months I was just moving into an apartment -- and out of a friend's house -- and starting the Marriage Rebuilders classes at church.
Since there was nothing filed I was still believing that it was just a matter of time until W woke up.
We had our ONE good conversation in September, five months after I left, and for a couple of weeks I thought there was a chance. It was false hope.
I'm at 10 months now and things are starting to feel -- normal -- I guess. I mean it just happens with time.
You start developing a routine. The memories aren't as strong. The stabs of pain don't last as long. I mean something would happen with W and I'd spend my entire work day wandering around downtown thinking or talking on the phone with friends.
The house thing with us is a disaster. It's too much financially for her to maintain without every single dime she wants from me -- and even if she's successful I still doubt she'll be able to keep it long term. It's just a money pit. Too much to fix and improve every year.
Back to you. One thing I've noticed is in the success stories there are NO quick fixes. If the WAS is to change his/her mind I can' remember one where it took less than 18 months. It's usually at least two years.
So I don't know if you are looking for hope or not. If there is any it is that you are still way early in the game.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
No, I'm not looking for hope really. This may sound corny - I suppose what I'm looking for is the ability to grow into this. Accept what is. Figure out what I need to do - and like Karen pointed out (and I'm paraphrasing) - have a clear head about my direction and be less wrapped up about my R with W. STBXW.
Sometimes I'm there. Sometimes I'm not. I don't believe, hope, or expect W to be there. But I think I still have some habitual thinking that she will be, that our old R is still there, just tweaked a little - and it's jarring to come up against the reality.
I'm doing OK. Yeah my "stabs of pain" aren't as intense and don't last as long. I find I have the ability to lift myself out of them a bit.
OK it's a nice day, and I'm going to go do something. See you guys -
Good thing #1 about living alone: You don't have to put the silverware in little stacks in the drawer - you can just dump them in straight from the dishwasher.
God, feeling down today. Saw W last night - I was with the boys at the house, she came home. She really does seem to hate me now. She started with "So...OK, thank you." Meaning, you can leave now.
We had previously discussed me moving back into the house, and her moving to the apartment I'm in now. I asked about when we should do it - and she said, I haven't found a place yet. I asked her what was going on, and she said "I don't want to live where you've lived."
I talked to my sister yesterday, and she had all good points - she's the one who decided to tear the family apart, she's the one that lied, went off with OM, she's the one that didn't work on it, she's suffering the consequences of her actions. Hey, sounds familiar, doesn't it.
I'm letting it get to me too much, I know. I do wish I could not care. It's eating at me though. Well, I type these things, and I hear Karen's words - you've got to detach more.
I think I WAS generous with her in the marriage. Now it is necessarily different. Of course it is.
This is going to be so much better when it's done and I'm out.
Ahhh so many half-baked thoughts in my head and I really have to focus on work now.
I'm having one of those days as well. One thing that has helped me in detaching is figuring out a way to shuffle kids without seeing W.
It's not perfect. There's still lots of times I have to see her, but in perfect weeks the kids come to my apartment every day. Her nights I then drive them over when afterschool sitter gets there. My nights they just stay here and afterschool sitter comes here.
In mornings, I live on same bus route but I end up just driving them to school anyway.
So in a perfect week I never have to see her. Now if I could just get her to email me instead of calling.
As far as today, I downloaded a sermon from church on becoming "The Me I Want To Be" and have been listening to it over and over.
When baseball season starts, I'm going to pay for listening to games over the web.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I picked up the kids last night, and she said I could have some of the split-pea soup she made (one of those things she knows I really like). We talked a bit about our need to maintain our partnership as co-parents. Anyway, after dinner I took the kids to the apartment, and about 9:00 after she got home she called. We ended up talking to about 10:30. I suppose it was a good conversation.
I probably mentioned, we have another mediation appointment Wed. Likely we'll sign the papers.
I'm really struggling with this again. I imagine it's to be expected as we finish the settlement. Anyway, I'm going to get off this board and focus on work.
Journaling. Mediation tonight. Expect this to be the final appointment. It better be, at this hourly rate.
And then it's - done? Don't know. Don't know if we'll have stuff to sign tonight or not. At any rate, I guess "agreed" would be the word.
So - details to wrap up. W is getting the auto-pay stuff canceled (was going on her credit cards), and I'm off the Costco card as of today. Asked me to refi to get her name off the mortgage as soon as possible. Still don't know when I'm moving back into the house, she's looking for a place.
Yeah, we're driving together again tonight. Maybe not a good idea. Some of that "do it together" thing is still there. Neither of us are sleeping well.
Don't know what else to say - this just IS. Get through it.
So in a perfect week I never have to see her. Now if I could just get her to email me instead of calling.
Simple. Don't answer the phone when she calls. If she leaves a vm don't respond to it by phone. Respond to her with emails. Keep this up until she realizes you will only respond by email. It worked for me anyway. Now I'm trying to work on reducing the emails too; just responding to important stuff re: the kids and nothing else.
Yeah, we're driving together again tonight. Maybe not a good idea. Some of that "do it together" thing is still there. Neither of us are sleeping well.
Part of detaching is separating and driving different cars. And how do you know she isn't sleeping well? Something you shouldn't be knowing about or talking about imo. Just the kids.
Part of detaching is separating and driving different cars. And how do you know she isn't sleeping well? Something you shouldn't be knowing about or talking about imo. Just the kids.
Yeah.
On the drive back, we kind of talked about how we can't seem to get away from each other. She said people tell her not to call me, and not to answer when I call, create distance, all that, and she can't do it. Her therapist tells her that, and she says she rolls her eyes. And when I create distance, she freaks out.
She also said that it's some solace to her that I'm going to move into the house with the boys, because she imagines that will make me happy, and it'll make the boys happy, even if it means she has to live in an apartment.
The meeting was more or less low-drama today. We finished the agreement.
I feel less stressed out now I guess.
I don't know Karen - you've seen the pattern. With the custody arrangement we're talking about, we're basically going to see each other almost every day. And it's pretty clear we're both having trouble detaching. It's the same old thing.
So, I guess I'm looking at a lifetime bizarro relationship with my STBX, or I do something different.
So, at any rate, with these meetings over, I can put my mind to other things.
