The impact on son has scared me enough to take this NC VERY seriously. Do I still need to send the NC email?
I was thinking that he will know that his "joking" about being on a date would be the reason that I don't want to talk to him. I dunno...the NC email could be beneficial or just make it more of a game to him.
BTW...to address what you wrote above, husband has said that he manipulates everything and everyone. That he manipulates OW (the one he has a child with) and introduces a third party (not sure about his one...apparently another OW) to neutralize the situation. I wrote about this in one of my earlier posts under newcomers...I will post in later. Husband says that he tells people what he knows they want to hear in order to play the game.
OK, there you have it. He has admitted he will lie whenever he likes to. He has the deluded idea that people only want to hear what HE CHOOSES to tell them. He has convinced himself that his LIES are some sort of COURTESY he offers to people. He he "tells people what he knows they want to hear" but he never considers what they NEED to hear. SOmetimes people need to hear the truth even if they don't feel or want to hear it. Your H finds this idea silly apparently.
If he were a medical doctor and his patient tested positive for cancer, would he just tell them they have a cold and send them home?
Your husband lies to make HIS life comfortable, it has nothign to do with telling others what THEY want to hear... he's telling them what HE wants them to hear to minimize HIS discomfort with the exchange... its classic sociopathy...
I may WANT to hear that my wife never slept with another man. But i NEED to hear where my marriage is at... painful or no...
Your husband cannot be trusted right now. Sorry, but he's at least been honest enough to admit he will not BE honest with you.
He controls people way too much. Social exchange is not a GAME you try to WIN at... if he wants to negotiate with a salesman over something that's a fine way to play it, but you don't do that to your wife, and if he IS doing that to his wife, he will do it to his children too. Protection phase for you and your son is my advice.
I would write the letter. If you don't tell him you don't want to hear from him he will think you are playing with him. I would write the letter for YOU and your PARENTS so you and they at least can see you are serious. The letter isn't just for him, its for you and your support system to know you mean business.
You need to work with your parents right now to ensure you keep in protection phase and don't break that.
Make sure your parents are in the loop on your plans.
I am not telling you to give up on him, I am telling you to tell him what the boundaries are and that you won't accept him back into your life until those are met. That's protection phase in a nutshell.
The boundaries are that he needs to
1. Start seeing someone about his sociopathy. 2. End ALL affairs ongoing 3. Commit to No Contact with OW - child or otherwise, he can arrange a supervised visit if thsi really matters to him 4. Attend family thereapy
That is a lot of work on his plate right there...
You put that in a letter, you email him the letter, you put your parents in the loop. The lettr is for him, you and your parents... you put that sucker in writing and send it, its giong to have a LOT more impact on YOU as well as him... and your parents will see that you are growing up and putting yoruself and your son first.
You change your cell number... you change your email account, you change all your contact info.
You give your H your father's email and tell him anything he has to say goes there.
And he's out until he starts to do some work on his part. Sincere work.
