feel like giving up - pt 2

[luvless]

Luv this is the most important thing:

COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY - Because you both suck at that.

When he is talking about a future move to a new job with you guys... it means he wants his family.
When he comes come early - two nights in a row... means that's where he really wants to be.
When he puts his blackberry away and tells D to put hers away... it means he wants to spend uninterrupted time with his family

When his family is busy pushing him away he is going to feel rejected and hopeless. YES, THIS IS HIS OWN DOING... I understand that. Yes, these are the consequences for his actions, I understand that too.

But if your dog chews up your slippers -- you can punish him by leaving him without food for the night. But if you carry on depriving him of food he has a choice:

(a) starve to death or (b) leave home and search in the trashcans for scraps of food.

Which choice do you think the dog is going to make?

EDIT: To be clear we're talking about an animal here not your H.

Point WELL TAKEN - I know we both suck at it and I've told Mr Luv this myself. I believe our communication is really bad. On Sat (when he thought I was coming back) he cleaned up the house and did some laundry - to me - those are actions and not words. He got credit for this.

I felt really bad (although I knew it quite possible) that he wouldn't get me anything for my birthday - not even a card - that is just plain rude. That is in the resentment box - sorry I'm human.

I only know one thing - stay consistent and that's what I'm going to be doing while I figure out my future.

Thanks so much for your input - it really helps me see outside the box.

[patpat]

(((Luv)))

Popped in town... been away..... sorry! Just catchin' up abit....

Reading up and came across the cute toe thingy!!!! lol

I have a foot fetish.... lol I love feet and toes....

They tell a story ya know! Can't have ugly feet!

Just an FYI...

BTW... I am filing next week. Uncontested. Att says will take about a week after filing. I am in a good place emotionally...

I love you all.... I do. I will be moving into new home next town over in approx. 1 month... excited about that.

S18 is going to stay here in current home. Only 10 years left on mortgage so I guess I'll hang onto it for investment purposes.

Met someone... I did. WOW! That's all for now bout that.... more later if you ask the right questions.

W is mad all the time. Still addicted to substance but she is working on it.

Oh, police came by the other night. OM got the snot kicked out of him at a local pub last Sat... some people recognized some of the fella's and associated them with me. They were friends of mine and W's. W and OM went to pub with friends from HS and OM was hitting on one of their wives. I was told she asked the idiot to stop but he did not.... her husband took it outside. They thought I was behind it, but my STBXW cleared that up. I told her to be careful.... the way you go into a R is the way you come out. OM is already hitting on other woman... Married ones to be exact.

I am glad this will be over soon.

I will get back to you soon....

Love ya Luv.... I will conntinue to pray for you and everyone.

Until then....

[luvless]

I've been wondering where you've been Pat - nice to see you! stay in touch

[Gnosis]

Luv, I know you probably better than anyone else on this board so I'm going to point out where you're screwing up:

Point WELL TAKEN - I know we both suck at it and I've told Mr Luv this myself. I believe our communication is really bad.

Your mistake is "TELLING" him. It doesn't sound that bad on this board, but you know that I'm talking about. Your tonality and the way you speak TO him... like his mother... who you ARE NOT. THAT is what is bad.

May I suggest the following: Reveal (not tell) that you are going to seek therapy to see how you can improve communication. Tell him this is what you need to do and ask him if he is prepared to help you. Do it as an experiment and gauge his reaction. Choose your timing wisely i.e. NOT when he has just gotten home from work and NOT when you can see he is in a bad mood.

I only know one thing - stay consistent and that's what I'm going to be doing while I figure out my future.

Consistency is only helpful if it is producing results. Make sure that it is GOOD consistency and not BAD. Continue to seek things that make you happy without depending on your H for that happiness.

it really helps me see outside the box.

I'll keep kicking you while you're in that box. Can you see how much your judgment has been clouded by your hurt and resentment? You need to work on this.

[/quote]

[luvless]

I admit that I did talk "at" my H alot but I have tamed that part of me. Please give me some credit G. When I did talk about "our" communication I included me and spoke to him in a very non threatening way.

I do see that my judgement is clouded - at times. I am working on the resentment issues. It's so hard but I am!

I'm going to make a nice dinner tonight. I'm trying to keep upbeat in a rather bleak situation. It's really hard man.

[Gnosis]

I know it's hard. Believe me I do.

Don't have expectations. Drop them completely. Take each moment as it comes. If he is late... he is late.... and no dinner. Plain and simple.

[luvless]

Oh I know G - I meant gonna make a nice dinner for us - if he shows up on time he does if not ...oh well.

Thanks for keeping me in check.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

Mind - I just didn't answer because I didn't feel he needed to know. Besides, isn't he the one who said, "Luv I don't care get that through your head" so if he doesn't care he shouldn't ask.

I am not trying to be mysterious I just wanted the one day to be away and not have to answer to anyone - like he does. I won't be doing that again - I just did it to make a point - point taken - it bothered him - my goal accomplished.

G - you tend to give Mr Luv too much credit. I must say I do not believe he is trying to reconnect. I am not going to try and read into it I'm just going to keep doing what I've been doing - being nice but distant and living for me!

I would need to see true remorse for what he's done. I just don't see that happening. If it does I'd be more than happy to work on my marriage and forgive him. If he thinks we are going to continue in this limbo "luvless" marriage I REFUSE.

I know I have some serious thinking to do....

okay, it's one thing to make a point, but you have done this before, and just because you make a point, doesn't mean you get closer to your goal, or you get the result you want. like G said about the dog.

and again, you are bringing negativity to the good things your H is doing. I do not believe your H to be some conniving evil man plotting to be nice to you so that he can have his revenge at the most opportune time. I'm sorry, that's not it. You H is human, and he's going to be mean sometimes because he's hurting, and other times he is going to try to reconnect. and that IS what he is doing. He didn't marry you because he hated you.

if you TRULY want this to work, you have to change your attitude. and if your H asks you about the weekend again and you still won't tell him, just tell him what you told us. "H, I'm sorry I didn't tell you when you asked before, I just needed some time alone. I'd really rather not discuss it, just like I don't try discuss yours, but if it's really that important to you, let me know what you are concerned about." otherwise, you are just doing the same thing he has done that you hate, and what is that saying to him?


G said some really good things, as did others. heed their words. not listen. heed.

and happy birthday girl!!

[S.T. _I Made It!]

oh, and you mentioned you need to see true remorse for what he has done. (this takes time as well, and it's more important to see actions that they are IN the M, than just words saying sorry)...

but also, are YOU ready to be truly remorseful for your part.

it doesn't take 1 person to mess things up, it takes 2. I'm trying to get you to see this, so that you are not so caught up in your bitterness against him. this isn't just about him hurting you. People hurt others because they have been hurt themselves. We MUST have compassion on them, and the goal is to love them as God loves them, and see them as God sees them.

Yes he has hurt you a lot, but you cannot feel his hurt. We cannot measure someone else's pain to our own because we can never live in their shoes, we will never know or understand how another person REALLY feels. So, depending on your desire...do you want to have a good M, with good communication, and it be with your H, or do you want to D.

if you want the D, then just quit. but if you want the M...start looking at your H with God's eyes, like he were the prodigal son that Jesus talks about. The son that was lost, left his home and wasted all his money playing, and when he lost everything he finally came back to his father and his father celebrated with a huge feast. His father did not become bitter and enraged at the wastefulness of his child, but he looked at him as a lost sheep that had finally been found.

[luvless]

I do not believe your H to be some conniving evil man plotting to be nice to you so that he can have his revenge at the most opportune time.

I do believe my H is very conniving. I know him very well. He has taken this affair and used it to his advantage in the most negative of ways and not daring to spare my feelings for one second.