First, I think its a sweeping and negative statement of Lotus to suggest most people on this forum are headed for divorce... MWD woudl NEVER endorse such a negative and hopeless comment.. IGNORE IT...
You can definitely save this
Lotus is on a good line of thought here when she works to clarify pursuit.
I don't agree with her interpretation, so I am going to offer a different one...
I am going to offer the one from MWD's BOOK :
Stop doing anything that your spouse might look at as pursuing behaviour.
Here are some examples of behaviour that I would consider pursuing :
Frequent Phone calls Encouraging to talk about the future Begging your spouse to reconsider Soliciting help from family members Pointing out all the good in your marriage Writing letters Following your mate around the house Asking for reassurances Buying gifts/flowers Trying to schedule dates together Spying on your spouse
In addition, it is essential that you stop saying I love you. I know this will be hard, but remember what I told you. Each time you say I love you, you remind your spouse that the feelings of love aren't reciprocal at the moment. My guess is that every time you say I love you, your spouse say's I know or remains silent. Not exactly reassuring is it?
You do at least HALF of these... No I am not FEARFUL of pursuit like Lotus suggests, but I can see where I believe you are driving your spouse AWAY rather than closer.
Your wife has told you that she feels you are too controlling... right? Well, guess what PURSUIT IS? It's an attempt to control your marriage...
Now, I am not telling you to not try to control it. That would mean to allow it to go out of control. But I will warn you that if you do something in an attempt to control your marriage that she finds offensive it will drive her further away.
So, yes, control your marriage, but do NOT do anythign that she will consider controlling. This is pretty much right out of MWD above. MWD says to avoid doing anything that yoru SPOUSE might perceive as pursuit (or controlling).
I think most of the things you do are perceived as controlling.
I DO disagree with MWD here and I am more in line with Harley and Tuppy (who are both practicing marriage counsellors both published as well) that if there is an affair going ON... and there IS in your household, you need to protect your wife from that.
This WILL be perceived as controlling, but if you don't act it will possibly mean the end of your marriage.
Some counsellors such as Harley and Tuppy, whom I am advocating here DO draw the line when there is a marital predator involved. Protect your wife from the predator, but at the same time do everything you can to aviod appearing as if you are controlling your wife.
This is why I suggested that you contact OM and OMW. THAT is going around your wife and not hassling her. I think this is the best compromise there.
Lotus, I haven't read anythign in OIN's posts to suggest there is a forgiveness issue here. I also havent' read anything so suggest that the affair is OVER.. I don't know where you are getting this stuff...
His wife is still pursuing this guy, and he's doing everythign he can to save his marriage... How on earth is that being unforgiving?
OIN the only problem I am seeing here is the pursuit. I do NOT advocate you inviting your wife out on dates... and discussing the wedding IS a DATE being planned. I woudl just tell her what you plan on doing and leave it open... if she wants to go, she just has to tell you. If she doens't want to go, then she doesnt go.. YOu don't CONTROL or PURSUE that in any way.
