Question

[awest1217]

K,

I have been thinking all the same things you wrote so don't worry they are not negative, and I am constantly wondering if he will actually change (and he constantly says the same thing and says that is why he hasn't come home yet because he "can't" change). Of course he hasn't actually tried to change except on his own and the biggest problem is that he has a bachelor of psych degree so he thinks he knows everything and all theories say he can't change so why go to therapy and waste money when it isn't possible to change. I tell him, I have changed and he agrees, but anyway...

To answer the one big question, if OW was not living with her H and had her own apartment, I don't think he would have ever gotten this other place and we would already be divorced. If she got one recently or agreed to move in with him, I think we would still be in this sitch because deep down I do believe he loves me, and he really loves S, but he just doesn't want to let go of this other part of him. This fantasy world he creates with these OW. I am the reality, but they are a fantasy that instead of just being in his head, he acts out with on the internet or phone, and this time in real life. It is all fake and I think he is really trying to decide between the real thing or the fake life because I believe he knows that won't last, whereas I have been around for years.

Either way, he knows that I am not going to put up with anymore of the sneaking around, lying, OW at all. He keeps saying he wants things back the way they were last January and February. He wants me to be that same person and I refuse. He wants the wife who did everything, treated him like a baby, and let him treat her like crap by doing stuff with OW all the time. Now I want to a partner, and I have gotten my self-esteem back so I am not going to let him bring me down again. He would still be doing this even if OW were single because he doesn't want to let me go. He doesn't want to admit it, but he doesn't want to see me with anyone else, and he does admit, he doesn't want anyone else to help raise S. Too bad. If he doesn't want S raised by someone else...he has to come home because at some point I am going to find someone else.

Thank you again K for reminding me of what I need to keep straight, and please keep sending me those reality checks because this week I also have to decide based on how he tells me what his decision is, if I let him home. Very hard week ahead...

As always, no contact from H at all yesterday or this morning. I am sure I will get something this afternoon like always. I am the week wife while OW is the weekend wife especially with her H busy with his job.

Finally, cute stuff from S. I got ready for church and actually curled my hair and looked nicer because it is getting warmer so I don't have to bundle up, plus I just wanted to look nice. I asked H how does mommy look. For the first time he said "you are beautiful mommy". I smiled and gave him a big hug then he kept saying it all day because he knew it made me happy. TOO CUTE! Then last night he said something about the wii and how daddy has it and how daddy leaved again. I asked if he was sad that daddy left, he said no. I asked if it made him happy when daddy left, he said yes. I asked if he would be happy if daddy lived at our house all the time, he didn't say anything, probably because he doesn't understand that and can't imagine it.

[awest1217]

One other thing I thought of. I am not allowing H to use me or the house as a place to stay. It is either forever or never. Also if he chooses not to come home, the house isn't going to be a storage area for his junk either. I already have people lined up to help me this weekend if he chooses not to come home to help me pack everything so H can pick it up the same day he moves and be done with it. He says to just give it to charity, but that is his decision so it will all go to his parents and from there it is up to him.

I know his mom will be so excited to have all her grown boys home this summer. Truly shows how messed up the family is when all three of her boys (27, 25, 21) will still be living at home (the 21 year old still is in college so understandable), but she never wanted to let go of them so she gets what she deserves.

I know I seem to be jumping the gun, but I am pretty sure it is going to end up in D. Plan for the worst...if the best happens it will be an added surprise.

[Lucky11too]

Yeah, i think that's going to be the toughest part about this week - knowing for sure his real motives IF he decides to come home. He sure is waiting until the last minute but I guess somebody this week is getting cut off cold turkey. I am glad for you that you will finally have some closure one way or another. You have gone thru a lot over the years with H. If he wants to commit 120% to you and the marriage this week, then great, but you do deserve someone who can give that to you. I even see it with my H where they want this other fantasy lifestyle (OW with yours and partying bachelor life with mine), but yet they don't want anyone to have us or raise their S's. H's therapist was trying to get thru to him that if he doesn't choose me, he has to let me go, but that's so difficult for them b/c they want it all. Well I think you definitely know what to do. If he does decide to come home, you'll just have to demand transparency, and he'll owe that much to you. You are definitely fighting hard until the end, and although it seems like it is going toward the D, we'll just have to see what the week holds...

[Lucky11too]

Also, did H ever have any response about the S concerns? That is still key to figure out as either way, a lot is about to change this weekend!

[awest1217]

No H never responded about S concerns. H cried a lot on Friday about how bad he feels and how he just "can't make me happy", like I am asking him to do a lot, but S kept wanting to show him everything around the house like H was a visitor there. It made H cry more.

Still nothing from H, and not planning on hearing anything at all anytime soon. I may get surprised, but this time I doubt it. He is miserable and just doesn't want to make a decision, but has to. I would always say when we were dating let's break up and you date "so-and-so" that way you know if you really want to be with me. He would always say no. Now I think he wants to do the same thing, say no, but never stop, but that is not an option. IT is just so sad for S.

On the positive, it is beautiful here. 50 and sunny so S and I will go to the park after work. Maybe I will take S to the park near my brother's so his nephew can come too. I will have to make a call.

[Kalni]

awest,
the week will be fine as long as you focus on how you want your life to be in the future. Dont allow fear or anything else to cloud your judgement. You are a super strong girl. You will do fine. Dont dread this week. I have a feeling he will not give you conclusive "imput" because he just cant. You will have to decide for yourself. That is hard but also VERY empowering.
xxx
K

[awest1217]

Thank you! I think this is what I am scared of the most, making the decision myself. I think you are correct that he is going to make me make the decision, but this time I am not going to. He has to move out so he either moves here or his parents. Making him make the decision is great for me because I have always been forced to make the decision and then months or years later get blamed for being controlling when he won't make a decision...not this time. This time he has to make a decision and I feel good about it.

I am only dreading in this week being drawn out, but otherwise I think I am ok.

Still nothing from H.

[awest1217]

Still nothing from H since Saturday night. Oh well...funny he would start ignorning me right when he needs to make a decision, but maybe he is weening off of me. Who knows? I text him Sunday and yesterday morning. It is now his turn.

Work is very busy. A coworker has been sick for almost 2 weeks so I am helping to cover one of her classes. A lot of extra work.

Nothing else new

[ClingingToHope]

Likely lots of negotiating going on behind the scenes. Checking his options. Who knows. Don't worry about it until you have to worry about it.

How are the finances in your district? Here they are letting 1/3 of the paraprofessionals go next year because of declining revenues.

The second wave of the recession may be hitting.

[awest1217]

We have been hit pretty bad. Right now we are not sure what is going to go. The superintendent is trying to do everything he can to cut costs without cutting people because he has been with the corporation as a teacher then principal then superintendent so it is really hard on him. I do know that they have done a retirement incentive which is having 1/2 the science department retiring. This is hard because we are trying to redistribute classes and hire new. The good is I finally get a lab room and my choice of lab rooms after 5 years of no lab. The hard part is we will probably have all new teachers teaching biology so that will be hard because they will need help and won't have anyone to help them.

I do know I am keeping my job so that is good, but nothing yet about pay freezes or anything else.