Looking for help with WAW

[sandi2]

Perhpas you are correct and my W would still want to go for closure. What do I do here? She has been wanting to go for closure and I have resisted. Should we go to C now or wait?

Okay, this is how I see it. She is wanting closure as much as you want reconciliation. Unless you happen to get an extremly well educated pro-marriage counselor, it will do you no good to go. I have read dozens of threads where the LBH pressured his WAW to attend only to discover it was a session to bash him and WAW give all the reasons to D. Too many C support D as being the answer to an unhappy life.

She isn't wanting to go to help the M and if she's planning to D you, why would she care about learning how to communicate with you "now"? Do you see what I'm saying? It is your desparate way of trying to control this situation and find a "fixer" before she D you.

My W and I already are S as she left last October. Do you think my agreeing that this S is the right thing will have any effect on my W? I don't know, it seems as though it would make my W feel I am finally giving in to her. I think it would be a relief to her.

It's been about five months, so the S has happened whether you agree with it or not. I think if you had agreed to the S in the beginning it would have been more effective, but if you keep fighting her the way you are now.....it is just pushing her into D court faster. Look at your next sentence and tell me what that really says: "it seems as though it would make my W feel I am finally giving in to her. I think it would be a relief to her."

Let me ask a question that may be hard for you to answer. Do you really love her? Do you love her enough to see her have what she wants? Love is a very unselfish thing. Wanting her to come home and stay in the M is what you want, but you are "afraid" to give her what she wants. She wants to be free of you. The more you pressure her, the more she pulls away from you, but you still won't let go. Do you really love her enough to set her free or are you thinking about how much you hurt?

When we met two weeks ago and I told her that I was moving on with my life she said, "that's good". So again, it seems like it would matter to her right now or would it?

B/c she could see right through you and she knew it was just a ploy to try to make her want to go back home. Then you proved her right by pressing the C thing on her. If you were going to move on with your life, you would not be chasing her to the car and talking about the R and pressing about better communication, etc. Which I think the communication was something you used to try to get her to C, and I bet she saw through that too. Your desparation is showing very much.

My W then said to me, "now you know how I felt for the past two years."

I think all the "opening up" was really her way of trying to tell you that you have seen a tiny bit of how she's felt and now she feels like it's too late. I did not see this as a positive conversation but one where she was tired of you pushing and when she says anything, you hear what you want to hear and not what she is truly saying. You are doing what so many men do......you are trying to wear her down to the point she will give up! That is not sucessful DBing and it won't work with her.

You need to stop trying to figure her out as a WAW and just look at where you are, what she wants, and love her enough to stop fighting her. Men seem to think that fighting for the M means to fight against the W and that's not exactly how to do it.

I would love to get her to go to Retrouville with me but I don't think that will happen right now. So in the meantime I wonder if trying to get her to C is the right thing to do?

I think if you would back away and let her breathe that would be the best thing....instead of trying to get her to agree to go to C or to a marrage retreat. She doesn't want those things right now. If you were to leave her alone, then she may reach that place but she just wants out from under the stress you are causing in her life. If you are not there as the source of the stress, then she may be able to look at something else and see it as a problem.....but right now "you" are the source of all her problems.