What I find most confusing is WHY in the world my stbx wants to now take credit for my 'Growing Up' or for 'Changing' He has mentioned he sees my changes and he is very proud of me. He says he has never seen me so healthy and he KNOWS that if it weren't for him leaving me that he knows that would never have happened.
Maybe this is to try and lessen his guilt? His way of "rewriting" history to make it look more favorable toward him, because, in his mind, he THINKS he's done you a favor?
Not on your life..he has his own agenda here, and I think it IS to try and lessen his guilt over what he's done to you. I'd bypass that, take it with a grain of salt; don't worry about it, and continue to concentrate on you.
No one is "doing favors" when they tear a life/family all to pieces. What would he have done or even said, if you HADN'T started doing ANY changing? Something to think about.
They DO have moments of clarity, but they're few and far in between. How I see it, YOU would get the credit for your beginning to grow up, going through change, Round2, NOT him.
YOU'RE the one who decided this, NOT him. I sound harsh, but I have heard/read many things MLC'ers will say/do to try and keep the guilty conscience from rearing its unwelcome head. And he IS feeling guilty, as well he should.
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One day he can be blaming me for his unhappy life and then next as sweet as pie. It's crazy.
That's definitely MLC at work, one extreme one day, the other the next..that's why detaching and distancing yourself from his drama is helpful...so you won't go off the deep end yourself. They are masters of the twisted word and sometimes actions. Again, don't buy into that...it's him, not you.
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The saddest time for me was when I looked at my H telling me he was DONE and I saw Nothing there. He was an empty vessel, hallow eyes with nothing there. I had never seen this before.
Do you remember hearing someone talking about the "deer in the headlights" look? That's pretty much it...I can remember a couple of years or so later on when things had gotten much better for my husband and I, that I saw a picture that was taken during the time he was in MLC, and it actually startled me...the eyes were literally wild, and that SAME glassy eyed stare. Like the light was on, but no one was at home.
This seems to be a common thing within all MLC'ers; There's NO life in the eyes; and I'd thought I was seeing things at first as I'd watched my husband; especially AFTER I totally detached from him, and didn't like what I saw in his eyes..like you saw, NOTHING but what seemed to be an empty shell...but I saw this same look in EVERY MLC'er I've encountered since then.
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I have read MANY books, re: MLC many that are recommended here as well, but the posts are BY FAR the most helpful...not because I read word for word and think that is how it will happen for me, but when your where I am, lost and alone and having no idea what in the world just happened, its a very scary place to be...having Faith in God and leaning on him for Strength does help as well.. BUT having REAL people share REAL experiences and give REAL advice or input has been life changing for me...little by little everyday.
I know exactly what you mean, R2; when I came here 9 years ago, the people here were a mix of oldtimers, new posters, and so many great mentors. I already had gotten what I had to do in the way of change, but was unsure of how to do it; I can say the Lord led me here...and got the help I needed to start my journey.
For nearly three years or a little more, I stayed on the board; later on helping others.
I did all the writings later on, as I was farther down the road. When it was time, in late 2003,(times/dates of this gives me trouble now, and I guess alot at that) I believe, I left the board. My husband finished coming out, and I went into The Change; battling first the physical changes then emotional changes back to back, LOL!! It was a good thing I had NOT come back during the time I went through the change, I could NOT have helped anyone during that time. I came out 2 years ago.
As far as I had known throughout that time, I was never to return...and in time, forgot this place; it became a distant memory to me.
Strange thing, though, I was sent back here around three weeks ago, for a specific purpose, and when I accomplish that purpose, I will leave again. I'm not exactly sure what the Lord has in mind this time; all I know is that I'm supposed to help someone or several someones, whether directly or indirectly, I'm STILL not sure...I haven't gotten a really clear answer on this just yet. Just a "Wait and don't leave until I tell you to" answer, when I ask Him.
All I knew at the time was that I had to come back; it would be for a period of time, how long, I'm not sure. He has never been this cryptic with me before. But the answers have been forthcoming, almost like it was before; with me reading, my mind filling, and typing answers as they came. When I go back to read, it's like reading what someone else wrote. The writing style is coming back to what it was before. I think I just have to let go once again, and allow Him to give me total complete help like I did once before. I've had NO small fears of possibly returning to the place I was, then, but those fears are lessening as time goes on, and I let go a little more. My memories are fragmented and broken from healing, and from all I've endured....but I'M not broken, and the Lord has given me back certain memories at certain times when they have been needed. Once used, they are gone again; until such a time they are needed. They do NOT affect me; the healing was and is complete, so I do not "relive" those times..to me, they are just a fact; no feelings are attached. That's why it doesn't bother me to talk about what I went through. I can be candid without it hurting me; it's hard to explain, but I no longer hurt, except for others.
The reason I did a search and found this place again to begin with: A friend of mine's husband has dropped the bomb on her, I didn't think anything about it, was answering her as He directed me to, but my memory opened up to allow me to remember what I'd written, but wasn't sure where to find it again. I found some stuff, but there was more I needed, so I set up again, complete with my old user name. Even stranger, when I reset up my old user name, again under instruction, I got it back with no trouble...surely someone, I'd figured would have probably taken mine by now; or so I thought.
I'm STILL trying to sort this out as we speak. Talk about crazy stuff that happens to me, but I don't question it as it happens. My husband STILL doesn't understand this about me. Claims he doesn't believe in what God has blessed me with, but will ask me questions about different things to get my "take" on it...never have understood that. IF you don't believe, why ask?
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HB, I personally think you should write a book.
I don't think anyone would read it, for starters, LOL...seriously, these things were given to me for free, and I share it with others for the same price, free.
The Lord has more than satisfied my needs over time; I have a good job, don't have any more of a need than what money(a necessary evil)I need to help pay the bills.
As He has given to me, so I have given unto others; silver and gold have I none, as Peter would say, but what I give is what God has graciously seen fit to give me so I CAN share with others.
He is the greatest counselor there is, in my book, and it has been my experience that some need to see the Lord with "skin on"..and that is why people like me exist. Each one of us can hear Him, if we just get quiet and listen; He doesn't shout, He's the still small voice we can recognize if we're open to Him.
NO, I'm NOT special, neither do I have an ego of any sort, just an humble servant of the Lord, who makes more than her share of mistakes, but has a desire to serve the Lord in whatever way He would have me to do. He provided a way for me to get answers "Seek and ye shall find, knock and it shall be answered" helping me to utilize every tool available to help me to increase my knowledge and wisdom.
You cannot help another until you have walked in their shoes; it might not be exactly the SAME path, but the similarities can be close enough that you can STILL come alongside of that person, and STILL help them.
Bless you, R2, God is indeed with you, and is strengthening you daily; stay open to Him; He allows things to happen for a reason. And He did, indeed, bring you here for a reason. As time progresses, you'll be shown that reason, and you'll know for certain He has His Hand on you.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
