No no no! I think it was time to tell him to speak to you respectfully or shut the f... up.
I have to agree with the above. H has a pattern of treating you with contempt, and contempt is one of Gottman's top issues that causes divorce. If you think it would help, maybe get a Gottman book and get H to read a short passage in MC. Contempt is a pattern that is NOT compatible with happy M. You need to set boundaries when this happens...not in a defensive, hurt way, but in a *poof* you've disappeared way after a quick firm NO.
I'm really proud of you for going for a walk. That was a good response for you and for your M. Don't let him practice doing this behaviour on you over and over. The more you interrupt his nasty habit, the more you break the pattern.
And DO NOT share a computer. The way that people use computers is very personal. It's just not worth it. That doesn't solve the underlying issue but it sets an indirect boundary.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I think letting it go is a good way to handle it. Reality is that you have no "say" over it right now anyway, so turning it into an issue is a lose-lose thing.
As for my H, I really don't care about the bikes. He had a motorcycle when we got together after college and I rode on it with him (and burned the hell out of my calf on the muffler one time!). He sold it when we moved south and hadn't had one since.
I wouldn't have balked at him getting another one while we were married. He never expressed that he wanted to. I always though I was a cool wife--I'd encourage him to go golfing with his friends and that sort of stuff. I wasn't one of those women that made a fuss, even passive aggressively, if he wanted to do his own things. Though I'm sure during the revisionist history period, he would have insisted that I would have forbidden him from getting a motorcycle and I'd bet that was even going through his head as he bought the first one post separation as a way to justify his leaving. I'd bet money on it, in fact!
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Wow, so Mc was crazy. I'm all turned upsidedown. I tried REALLY hard to "listen and validate" - unfortunately after I flipped my lid in the beginning. I thought H was saying now that the separation papers were signed he doesn't have to work on the M. He says he feels "differently". I don't think it's as bad as I thought. He said there are no big revealing secrets, no hidden facts to come to light now. That was also a huge relief ( a big fear of mine) He admitted that originally he felt legal separation would make him feel safer getting into things and he now sees that it doesn't offer the protetion he thought it would. I resisted the urge to "I told you so" him to death, after all the pain and money associated with that. I was just glad to hear he admitted it was false security. That's huge.
After I misunderstood him but then I calmed down the MC helped us get to no - he is willing to talk about "the big issues". That was huge for me to hear. I have wondered if we actually were piecing and I"m not imagining that he has put off discussions of "the big issues" for months now.
Then I calmed down and listened. He complained a lot about how we've never had good communication and the arguments have gone on and on escalating and usually I would hear this as him complaining and blaming and justifying leaving me. But the MC also got us to the point where instead of me assuming this is what he meant, and panicking, H said he IS willing to try to communicate better and learn how to not fight.
This is such a huge relief.
MC also confronted H on how he is often very angry and condescending and that it riles me up. He pointed out to me that I feel very offended and rejected quickly by H and then I get very emotional from there. He says he keeps trying to calm us both down so we can hear each other.
He is right. And H was listening. So was I .
So the second level of ODP is to realize when I'm being overly hurt and offended and taking everything as a personal attack and calm down and ask H if this is what he meant.
When H complains that over and over again it's the same problem and things have never changed, I hear him not taking responsibility and blaming me. BUt listening and agreeing that yes this is what "we" did without trying to "convince" him things can be different, I heard that yes it has been this way but he's willing to try to do things differently.
The willingness was the huge relief.
I'm still not sure this is what I heard. I still don't trust him not to bail on us. I still don't trust that he doesn't have a girlfriend. But I'm going to stop my thoughts and go to PMA and remind myself he's not gone yet.
Finally, he said he's willing to talk about stuff, as long as it doesn't go "all night" as it had in the past. I agreed, without taking blame. The therapist reiterated the importance of time outs if the conversation isn't going anywhere. That to me is the same as setting boundaries.
We're trying timeouts and they help some. But H doesn't like to reschedule once he takes one and he sometimes likes to take one within 10 minutes of any conversation beginning even though no voices are raised because he says he has gotten too stressed. You're supposed to reschedule, and if you don't that's a problem because it's not supposed to be how it works. Yet we're not "piecing" so he doesn't have to. It leaves me feeling like nothing will ever get discussed. But that's probably just my current sitch, not the method. I think you will get yelled at less if your H adopts timeouts, but you will struggle with being left sitting there with your issue feeling rejected and unheard so you will have to work on that from your end.
So it sounded like he's willing to keep working on it if you two have a tool in place to make him feel like he will never experience another long or loud conversation? Well, who cares who he blames it on if he is willing to actually try a new method? This is good news, right? Then end goal is the conflict will be reduced and then he'll stop bringing up the past, right?
Maybe if he gets to feel "in control" he will be willing to try and relax and reduce his number of blow-ups over the computer and the like in the future.
Well more good news - when MC asked us both to say what we each individually do to make communication difficult. H admitted "we" throw fights out IN ORDER TO AVOID communication. He also admitted exactly what he did last night - that he blows up and clams up and gets intolerant etc. I couldn't believe he was totally aware of what he was doing! I admitted that when he does that I go on and on trying to "Be heard" and that doesn't work either. Also that I have to control my triggers too (ODP) and keep my cool.
Although I still feel fearful there's an ow or something, he DID reassure me there is no big secret (although when he said he had that gf last summer, I never heard one way or the other what happened - so it's always in the back of my mind).
TOnight I'm totally feeling as if. I am trying to trust that if he says he's willing to work on it, owned his part in it, and admitting that legal sep didn't give him the security he thought it would, that these are all positives. So although he isn't running to me saying "I love you and will never leave you again and want to work on it no matter what", I am trying to calm the inner trauma reaction I have from all these months of pain. I know so many of you know what I"m talking about - esp here in piecing. once you're on track, many doubts still creep up and you're haunted by the trauma of abandonment you suffered.
Although scared to trust it, I'm acting as if. I'm feeling like wow here we really are working on it. We really do have another chance. It really is going to be ok. I'm feeling so grateful. I am going to work on reassuring myself that he is still here and he is looking at himself, however slowly. We have come a long way in the last seven months. I wonder how far we might come in seven more.
Wow H4L. The session that you had with your H is a testament to what MC can be. It created a safe space for both of you to own your "stuff" and set new intentions in the R. And really that's all people can do when they want to improve things.
Have you read Passionate Marriage? Kalni posted about it, esp. in reference to self-soothing and how that was helping her deal with the fear and doubt of piecing. From how you describe your session, it sounds like self-soothing would be a really useful skill to for you to strengthen right now. Your strong reactions are self-protective mechanisms for you, but of course they add fuel to the fire. Self-soothing is a safer alternative for you and your M.
Sometimes I think that we should treat ourselves and our spouses like children. We can see when children are getting wound up and overreacting. At our best we become calmer and quieter, and we try to soothe them with our words and our eyes.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Yes, FM, thanks. I did check that book out after Kalni posted about it. He has great self-soothing tips I"ve been working with. Obviously I still have a lot of work to do!
Ok this is getting crazier - am I halucinating or did my H flirt with me tonight?!?!
Was physically playful with me. I had some special cookies I had bought, H found them and proceeded to try to eat them. I grabbed them and he played around trying to grab them back from me. He was running around, playing like taking them from my back and I playfully kept them from him. It was a cute little cat and mouse game. The whole thing was fun.
I can't believe a week after he files legal separation he's showing signs of coming around? Can this be real? I'm in shock and scared to get my hopes up.
I think these could be really good signs people. But I'm pinching myself.
