Well more good news - when MC asked us both to say what we each individually do to make communication difficult. H admitted "we" throw fights out IN ORDER TO AVOID communication. He also admitted exactly what he did last night - that he blows up and clams up and gets intolerant etc. I couldn't believe he was totally aware of what he was doing! I admitted that when he does that I go on and on trying to "Be heard" and that doesn't work either. Also that I have to control my triggers too (ODP) and keep my cool.
Although I still feel fearful there's an ow or something, he DID reassure me there is no big secret (although when he said he had that gf last summer, I never heard one way or the other what happened - so it's always in the back of my mind).
TOnight I'm totally feeling as if. I am trying to trust that if he says he's willing to work on it, owned his part in it, and admitting that legal sep didn't give him the security he thought it would, that these are all positives. So although he isn't running to me saying "I love you and will never leave you again and want to work on it no matter what", I am trying to calm the inner trauma reaction I have from all these months of pain. I know so many of you know what I"m talking about - esp here in piecing. once you're on track, many doubts still creep up and you're haunted by the trauma of abandonment you suffered.
Although scared to trust it, I'm acting as if. I'm feeling like wow here we really are working on it. We really do have another chance. It really is going to be ok. I'm feeling so grateful. I am going to work on reassuring myself that he is still here and he is looking at himself, however slowly. We have come a long way in the last seven months. I wonder how far we might come in seven more.
