DU, I've never posted to you and I haven't read your sitch. We're strangers here and I hope I can find the right words to say to you.
There is always hope. Even in the most dour of circumstances. When everything looks wrong and fruitless. That is when we discover our strength. People have heard your desperate call and we're here for you.
Please, please, please. Get some help. You are worth it. You are worthy.