Questions are always good, and it never hurts to ask them. OP is on the right track; so is Jack 3 Beans.
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Is this NOT what happens to our MLC'ers who have A or go to OW/OM?
No, they are in the stage of Replay when they have gone into the MLC affair. They are NOT looking at ANY of their issues during that time. The Midlife affair is actually a "distraction" from their journey a temporary halting of that same journey....OW/OM is a band aid, a temporary blindness to their pain, and they can ignore it for awhile. This is also regarded as a "running" behavior. Each MLC'er who's within the tunnel that engages in heavy drinking, drug use, or even the Midlife affair is RUNNING from his/her issues. It IS true that while this behavior continues, their journey as it is, is HALTED. If they continue too long, they CAN stick within the tunnel; some for the rest of their lives.
One of the most frustrating things about MLC is that what they do and how they do it is UP TO THEM, not the LBS. THEY are the ones who have to be allowed to come through this part; and if they don't come through, it is no one's fault, but their own.
That is why it is so important to remember their journey is completely separate from your journey, your MLC'er has his own issues to face, just as you have your own.
That is also the reason for detaching and distancing..you can do NOTHING, but watch and wait for as long as YOU choose to; for when he put you on this path, he made it about YOU.
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Do they not get the same thing from that OW/OM being interested in them just as they ARE...and their Journey Stops?
No, they don't get that same thing, remember the band aid, blindness to the pain, etc? Yet their journey for the time while within the MLC affair IS halted until the affair breaks down and finishes.......there are many reasons for OW/OM appearing in this stage; finishing some type of "unfinished" business, trying to recreate a time in their lives that in their minds would have been finished had it not been for LBS "keeping them from it"(NOT TRUE, but true within THEIR minds) Recreating a connection with "mother"; and breaking that connection in a true way; something they were unable to do as young adults. Also, thinking they may have "missed" something; trying to recreate an old connection...I may have missed some other things, but these things came to mind.
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Maybe I am confused and while they are in this Stage with the OW/OM, it is Replay and during this Stage, there are no changes being made?
Not during the affair itself, but when the affair breaks down; a change must come about in order to end the affair, whether in MLC'er or OW/OM It is ONLY as the MLC affair is breaking down, changes can be made; a few issues can be settled, depending upon the reason behind the MLC affair. IF and WHEN they begin the "awakening" process and even if they start realizing what they may be doing to the LBS; they are STILL NOT looking within, so they may NOT see the damage they've done to self just yet..and some of their reasoning is VERY selfish; such as being afraid of "losing" their wife/husband as a result of having the OW/OM..it would be the opposite of what they were feeling, when within the affair.
Yet, the LBS may not know until AFTER it's all said and done, and the LBS may NEVER know exactly WHY the affair came about, the MLC'er would be hard put to explain the deepest feelings they have, only that it would be something they felt they HAD to do.(And yes, I WAS told this by a MLC'er I knew a few years ago) No one can ever truly explain WHY the MLC affair happens; it just does, an opportunity is there, within the MLC'er there are childlike feelings of wanting to be accepted, a friendship that goes too far, and it just happens...the REAL reasons may lie within the MLC'er, and go to his/her grave with them. It is a selfish act, and the MLC'er DOES reap what he/she sows; whether they end up losing their wife/husband, respect of family, respect of peers...the damage is deep; and nothing can ever bring back that time of innocence ever again.
I found that there were other things I would NEVER understand about this, and in time, let them go.
One thing to remember, the MLC affair(and MLC as a whole) has NOTHING to do with the LBS, nothing at all...that problem is within the MLC'er..and only they are responsible for their actions, NOT the LBS.
***added note*** I will say this: 8 years or so, ago, I did ALOT of research, as the research WAS part of my journey through this. And it is the SAME for others; to get information was to understand, and that helped me to help others so I could heal myself.
I cared enough to try and help people understand MLC, and I cared enough to write all these things down, AS I EXPERIENCED THEM. I watched others go through, and wrote from that experience as well.
I have read many, many articles, even visited an OW/OM board at one point and stayed for a time(though I never joined) for learning purposes. I gained a deep working insight of how OW/OM works, and the feelings, and the thoughts, and the fights and the problems of each. Strangely, enough, the similarities to MLC'ers were and are astonishing; and I filed it away for future reference, as I continued to drain every resource I could find on all the problems within a MLC, including the MLC affair, amongst other things.
Why? A huge part of the reason in the beginning was this: My HUSBAND had had an OW, and I felt like I owed it to myself at that time to learn as much as I could about those type of people.
I wanted to UNDERSTAND the workings behind, I have a habit of being "inquisitive" and if I don't know something, I will find the answer, one way or another.
That was the intial reason I started the research, but it branched off into other things as well...and I'm glad it did; it helped me to understand so many aspects of my journey, and his journey...in turn helping others to understand the similarities of this journey. BUT NOT TO FIT YOUR SITUATION into it; each person's journey is never the same, there may be similarities, but no one will EVER walk the same path I walked in this.
It was to help people UNDERSTAND, and I'd hoped it was written in such a way that people would be able to.
So, I read, I learned, I absorbed; every waking moment, I spent somewhere learning.
I may not know as much as Snodderly, and I KNOW and always knew, she knows way more than I do, ESPECIALLY in the psychological area of this; she helped ME when I was here and she has ALWAYS had my respect and appreciation, and always will have that. One of the smartest ladies I have ever known in my life, and one of the sweetest. None of you will ever really know how much she cares about each and every one of you. She's here because she wants to be here, and because she cares SO very deeply for the hurts; and has knowledge that only I could even dream about, much less have. Snodderly, if you're reading this, I know you do not wish to be singled out, but I owe you a debt of gratitude for what you were to me when I was here. You meant more to me than you ever knew. I still remember....
The articles I wrote were based on what I'd SEEN myself, OBSERVED, and I interacted with people from ALL walks of life, INCLUDING ones that were within the tunnel that were NOT my husband.
My understanding was deepened when I walked through this SAME fire as I worked my through a Mid Life Transition that was just as hard on me; as the things I'd observed in others. I've HAD the SAME thoughts, faced the SAME temptations, overcame those, healed to become what I am NOW.
Was really shocked, when I discovered that all I had written was TRUE, and it happened to ME.
The only thing I did not do was "run" although I wanted to..I did NOT take a OM, though I WANTED to..that was part of the test of temptation of this.
It was this afternoon that I finally remembered what happened to me when I came out of the stage of Withdrawal; it was not a tantrum, it was DEEP REMORSE, and I expressed that to my husband all the while bawling like a baby.
IF it had NOT been for the Lord being with me throughout, there is not telling what I would have done.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
