Wow, so Mc was crazy. I'm all turned upsidedown. I tried REALLY hard to "listen and validate" - unfortunately after I flipped my lid in the beginning. I thought H was saying now that the separation papers were signed he doesn't have to work on the M. He says he feels "differently". I don't think it's as bad as I thought. He said there are no big revealing secrets, no hidden facts to come to light now. That was also a huge relief ( a big fear of mine) He admitted that originally he felt legal separation would make him feel safer getting into things and he now sees that it doesn't offer the protetion he thought it would. I resisted the urge to "I told you so" him to death, after all the pain and money associated with that. I was just glad to hear he admitted it was false security. That's huge.
After I misunderstood him but then I calmed down the MC helped us get to no - he is willing to talk about "the big issues". That was huge for me to hear. I have wondered if we actually were piecing and I"m not imagining that he has put off discussions of "the big issues" for months now.
Then I calmed down and listened. He complained a lot about how we've never had good communication and the arguments have gone on and on escalating and usually I would hear this as him complaining and blaming and justifying leaving me. But the MC also got us to the point where instead of me assuming this is what he meant, and panicking, H said he IS willing to try to communicate better and learn how to not fight.
This is such a huge relief.
MC also confronted H on how he is often very angry and condescending and that it riles me up. He pointed out to me that I feel very offended and rejected quickly by H and then I get very emotional from there. He says he keeps trying to calm us both down so we can hear each other.
He is right. And H was listening. So was I .
So the second level of ODP is to realize when I'm being overly hurt and offended and taking everything as a personal attack and calm down and ask H if this is what he meant.
When H complains that over and over again it's the same problem and things have never changed, I hear him not taking responsibility and blaming me. BUt listening and agreeing that yes this is what "we" did without trying to "convince" him things can be different, I heard that yes it has been this way but he's willing to try to do things differently.
The willingness was the huge relief.
I'm still not sure this is what I heard. I still don't trust him not to bail on us. I still don't trust that he doesn't have a girlfriend. But I'm going to stop my thoughts and go to PMA and remind myself he's not gone yet.
Finally, he said he's willing to talk about stuff, as long as it doesn't go "all night" as it had in the past. I agreed, without taking blame. The therapist reiterated the importance of time outs if the conversation isn't going anywhere. That to me is the same as setting boundaries.
