If there's no excuses for her to come over while I'm around, how will she ever see anything about me or want to come back?
That is a common concern for LBH's. But, she will see you sometimes (b/c you have kids together) and she will hear others talk about youl.....and that really carries some weight.
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can't really ask the girls to "go dark"--- And I don't even know if I should.
No, you shouldn't ask them. However, you do need to set down some boundaries or guidelines where contacts are concerned. Talk with D11 and explain that when she tries to do what she did with her mother (asking her to visit) it causes you & mother to have confusion & disagreements. She has to be made to understand (or at least abide by the rules) and that she can't play the two of you like that. It is hitting her so hard and I can't begin to know how she must feel.... I would have been absolutely devestated without my mother when I was eleven yrs. old. I think she may need to be assured that she is not "without" her mother in her life. God.......how awful for a little girl.
You & W need to have a scheduled visitation set up. That way, there is no question about visiting and when. If necessary, have the kids with scheduled phone calls. You may even have to monitor your D11 if she's going to do these little numbers, but I know you wouldn't want to do that. You have to do whatever to bring peace into your home.
I'm so sorry for your pain. I hope things get better soon.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I would have been absolutely devestated without my mother when I was eleven yrs. old. I think she may need to be assured that she is not "without" her mother in her life. God.......how awful for a little girl. 