AND, he may run to the lawyer to get a reaction out of you. Be prepared to not react. Not answering the door is a good habit. Here in AZ the clock doesn't start ticking until one is served in person by an officer of the court.
Don't worry. I believe you are in a good position.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
k, should I send the email or just do NC and not tell him why until he asks? He is going over to my friends in a few minutes, so maybe I should wait until I hear what he has to say to my friends.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I don't think I need to send the email, my friend basically told him what I was going to send him anyway:
H: There is no hope for us, I wish she would just let go F: There is always hope, your A is hurting your family H: There is NO A, we are just friends F: Friendship or not, your hurting your family H: Just friends, and I'm sick of everyone thinking I'm cheating and it's my W's fault for ruining my reputation. It's best if we just D. F: I don't believe that is the answer H: My W is obssessed with saving our M, and she is ruining her life in the process. Her work, school, everything is suffering because she thinks there is a chance F: That is the most important thing to her right now. H: It just needs to end, the wall I've built up will never come down, and she just keeps making the wall bigger F: You wife would like to work on the M. However, this is hurting her to bad and she would like NC with you of any form until you end your A with this OW. If you need to contact about the kids, do it through me or your mom. H: It's NOT an A. But I agree, it's best if we don't contact each other at all. I think I'm ready to file for D, it's the best way to end all this pain. F: Sorry you feel that way, and this will hurt the whole family.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I agree with maynard. Your friend did well. Don't worry about what your husband said...He is still denying an affair which confirms that he has still not face reality.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
Sounds like he convincing himself. Can your friend educate him on emotional affairs? On affairs in general?
Here is a little something I got from Dr. Bob H today:
"Just Friends" or an Affair? Emotional Infidelity
A common plea: But, we're "just friends." However the "emotional connection" is quite obvious by the amount of time spent in communication and the "vibes" that are set off.
These emotional connections often arise at work or in a social context in which working intensively toward a common goal consumes energy.
Here are a few observations of the "just friends" emotional affair:
1. This person often struggles knowing where to draw the line. S/he often throws him/herself into something 100%. Other aspects of his/her life may suffer or be ignored. There often is a lack of personal balance between family, work, self care.
2. He/she struggles with intimacy. (I want to be close to someone, but don't like intimacy.) The "just friends" emotional affair means neither spouse nor OP (other person) ever get "intimate." Neither relationship is fully consummated or has potential for growth.
3. Of course the "just friends" comment means either "stay away" or I'm, underneath all this, really confused about where I fit in relationships, what I want from them, or what they mean to me. There is an "emotional connection" to the OP that defies description. A sad kind of "stuckness or lostness."
The lover or "falling in love" emotional affair has a different twist.
The common complaint to the partner is: "I feel badly about this, and I don't want to hurt you, but, I'm not "in love" with you anymore. "I love you but I'm not in love." This often indicates:
1. This person usually has a need for drama and excitement. Life easily becomes a soap opera. Emotional juice from the fall-out of emotionally intense relationships reigns rather than living life from the core of who one is.
2. The person “looking for love” is actually looking for the ideal, someone out there, who will project back to him/her that he/she is OK. No, more than OK, close to perfect.
3. This person needs to be adored, or think another adores him/her, because there is a lack of inner strength and solid identity. The other becomes my world, because I lack a world. Being “in love” is the panacea for my emptiness.
4. This type of affair often occurs when there is a “lull” in the marriage relationship. The responsibility of raising children, starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, etc. become the focal point for the couple. Romance becomes a foreign word.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
There were a few points I would nto have said exactly the way it was put but its a VERY stressful sitaution and what is said there takes a LOT of courage.
His threats to divorce are getting abusive at this point.
He's making himself ill. Its interesting to see he thinks saving the marriage is what is causing the illness, not his lies or his waywardness. He knows he will hurt a lot of people if he files for divorce, I woudl expect his lawyer to even warn him about that.
Let him stew for a few days, I expect he will have a crash at some point and try to call you again mb28.
Do NOT allow him to break Protection Phase... this is VERY IMPORTANT.
If your friend has to speak with him again make sure she points this out :
"Divorces dont' END pain, they make it a lifelong pain that never heals. Children get traumatized by this sort of thing well into adulthood. You divorce your family and you will regret it."
