Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

Sandi, I'm not sure if anything came from the talk. I know you probably think that nothing did but I'm not sure. At least it was the first time that my W started to open up with her feelings and why she left. At least she is finally beginning to feel more comfortable talking about it.

Yes, I know deep inside I want to go to C for reconciliation. Perhpas you are correct and my W would still want to go for closure. What do I do here? She has been wanting to go for closure and I have resisted. Should we go to C now or wait? My concern is that if I just leave her alone that she will continue to grow distant and be more comfortable with ending the M. I feel like perhaps now is the time to explore C with her so as to try to begin communicating. I just don't know what the right thing to do now? I know that it was controlling of me to ask her to C for my reasons. I'm trying not to be pressuring but also trying to see what works.

My W and I already are S as she left last October. Do you think my agreeing that this S is the right thing will have any effect on my W? I don't know, it seems as though it would make my W feel I am finally giving in to her. I think it would be a relief to her. When we met two weeks ago and I told her that I was moving on with my life she said, "that's good". So again, it seems like it would matter to her right now or would it?

I question how much of what she says right now is typical WAW script. I'm not belittling her but I am trying to figure out if what she tells me is a defense mechanism or not? I question if what she is telling me is absolutely is what she wants and is final or if things could change? Sometimes I think my W is very different from some of the WAWs I have read about on her and sometimes she does things that make me think she is very typical of other WAWs. Very, very confusing to know what is the right thing to do right now. I'm trying to take away the stress of the house and other things by takking care of those things now. I don't think she can begin to think clearly or be open to anything with M until some of those financial things are finished.

My W also said something interesting to me. She said that her leaving wasn't all about the financial stresses of the past two years. Hmmm... Then she talked about how when she went to counseling by herself two years ago she told her counselor that she thought I was depressed and wanted me to go to counseling but she couldn't get me to go. Her counselor told her that she couldn't force me. Again, more of my W opening up. We talked more and I said how I would stand up in my counselors office and pretend to scream how frusted I was that my W was not in reality of how we needed to pay our bills and take care of things. That I thought my W was in a fantasy world since she left and wasn't focused on what we needed to take care of, serious issues. My W then said to me, "now you know how I felt for the past two years." I was quiet for a minute and then told me W that she was right and I didn't see it. I validated and said I was sorry for being that person and making her feel that way for so long.

This is some of the reason that I wonder if now is the right time for counseling for us. She is just starting to opem up to me about some deeper feelings. I would love to get her to go to Retrouville with me but I don't think that will happen right now. So in the meantime I wonder if trying to get her to C is the right thing to do?

Just when I feel like I have a plan things get confusing. Right now I feel like all I can do is either try for the C or leave her alone. Sigh...