Huband is having an emotional affair

[Allen A]

I am thinking you should confront him about the infidelity properly and then go into protection phase.. this means you and the kids offer NO contact to him at all... he doesn't see YOU OR the kids...

He walked out, so he gets nothing.

The thing is, right now he's walked out and he's using you as a lifeboat... he figures if everything turns out crap you will be there still... he wants a backup plan and you are it.

The best way for YOU to be healthy again, and I think the best way to get him to give you respect again is for you to shut him out completely - protection phase.. its EASY for you to do compared to many other people on this forum... many of them still live with thier spouses which makes protection phase almost impossible to pull off.. for YOU its a lot easier

I think you confronting him about the infidelity, exposing his cheating to everyone who may put pressure on him, and then you not letting him contact his children will all put a LOT of pressure on him not to mention the economy and his failing business...

Those four pressure points may be enough to get him to give up his fantasies and come back and try to act like a husband and an adult... a long road, but a far more respectable one than the road he's on right now

[Allen A]

When you asked him if he was happy and if he loved her and such, that's NOT the way to handle that, when you ask questions like that you VALIDATE the affair into something respectable and acceptable...

If someone lies and steals, you don't ask them if they are happy doing what they are doing, you don't ask tehm if they LOVE what they are doing... you just tell tehm its selfish, sleazy, and cruel and you HANG UP THE PHONE

THAT is the only way to respond to infidelity, give it the indignantcy it deserves.. a hang up and silence... that's all infidelity deserves

silence says that best... that's what I think he needs to hear

[ALJ]

Thanks Allen,

I was at a loss for words when he told me about OW. I started to panic and that when I started asking all those validating questions. Should I bring up his relationship with this OW again and tell him about how cruel, sleazy, and wrong it is?

H did call today because his cell phone had been shut off and I usually make arrangements for the bill. This is only because his unemployment still goes to our joint account and he only pays 3 bills out of it. I make the arrangements for this bill because he never knows what is in the account. He does not take money out of this account so the rest of his unemployment is for me to use as I see fit. His other 2 bills are automatically deducted. If H does get a job, then I won't have to do this anymore. The unemployment will be stopped and he will have to deal with trying to pay all of his bills plus child support on a minimum wage paycheck. As of right now, H's unemployment is due to expire this month and if he does not get a job(which I am sure he will), he will have to reapply. Plus, his lease on his apartment expires in May and he will have to either move or sign a new one. At the moment, h has a roomate (a guy that we all grew up with.) It did not have to come to this but this is what he wanted.

When I talked to him about the bill, he sounded down and out. Its like he wants to say something to me but won't. Lots of sighing and sounds of despair from him. He has run out of his seed money and his business is not taking off like he wanted. Not to say that it won't, but its not looking good. So now he out putting in applications everywhere he can. He can't even drive up to see the kids because he has no funds left. It seems like his fantasy world is starting to fall apart.

[Allen A]

Thanks Allen,
When I talked to him about the bill, he sounded down and out. Its like he wants to say something to me but won't. Lots of sighing and sounds of despair from him. He has run out of his seed money and his business is not taking off like he wanted. Not to say that it won't, but its not looking good. So now he out putting in applications everywhere he can. He can't even drive up to see the kids because he has no funds left. It seems like his fantasy world is starting to fall apart.

YOu can ask mb28 on the signing and wanting to say something on the phone but not saying it, he's sounding a lot like mb28's H right now

I don't understand all the ramifications of you cutting him off financially, it souns like you are doing some financial administration on his behalf is all...

It is a drastic move, but first confronting him about his affair , and yes it IS an affair, just because he's not living there does NOT make it legitimate, or he woudl TELL you what he's doing instead of LIE

THe fact that he's LYING SHOWS you he KNOWS its wrong.

My advice is fairly aggressive compared to MWD.

I advocate the following steps :

1. Expose teh affair to all marraige freindly people who may put pressure on the wayward spouse to END the affair

2. Confront the wayward spouse about their affair - set your boundaries - No more Contact - stop any and all involvement with OW

If your spouse refuses to end the affair - go to step 3

3. Protection - You shut yourself OFF from WS.. NO CONTACT, none with chidlren either unless you MUST do this by law. The only contact I reccomend is through a third party intermediary (a freind or relative safe to the marriage) who will exchange info between you two... when necessary... NOTHING PERSONAL should be exchanged, ONLY the necessities of the marriage such as child support payments and such.. this should ALL be done through a THIRD PARTy

4. During the protection phase you PROTEST his continued and ongoing affair to him. During the protest you maintain the following :

a. You want to save your marriage
b. The affair is attacking the marriage and harming you and your children
c. You will NOT expose H or his affair to yourself OR your children while he is having an ffair
d. Family Therapy and NO CONTACT with OW is the way you are willing to alter this situation

Any contact that takes place by your intermediary should have this note attached so your H would always know what the deal is... phone calls again your intermediary would ensure your husband understood your negotiation terms

It's called protection phase because YOU are protecting yourSELF from his lies and drama...you are pretty much in protection phase ALREADY since he doens't contact much and is far away, Protection Phase should be pretty easy for you to do compared to some on this forum.

Now, I must warn you, I do NOT agree with MWD here, she does NOT reccomend this unless its a last resort, and even THEN her Last Resort tactics are NOT the same as the above, but its close. NOT everyone on this forum agrees with this approach, but there are some using this now (or a watered down version of it) and are having success.

This IS a reccomended approach by Penny Tuppy, a RFT, she has had success with this approach too. I also found this to work well in my own home (though we were both living here so the contact was minimal, effectively a silent treatment was instituted by me).

I do NOT reccomend MWD's approaches when affairs are involved, I find them counterproductive based on the case studies here on this forum and elsewhere.. being NICE does NOT end an AFFAIR

All I can do is reccomend this, its your choice how much of this you follow ... others here may add their own input...

[Allen A]

Thanks Allen,

I was at a loss for words when he told me about OW. I started to panic and that when I started asking all those validating questions. Should I bring up his relationship with this OW again and tell him about how cruel, sleazy, and wrong it is?

Also, don't reccomend name calling such as the above, not becaue it isn't sleazy, but simply beuase that does NOT apply any pressure to the WS

THe most effective pressure during confrontation phase (which is what you are alluding to here) is to emphasize how HURTFUL it is to YOU and to your CHILDREN. How IMPORTANT your MARRIAGE is to you and that it is being ATTACKED by the OW.

This CAN over the long term invoke GUILT and conscience from teh WS... until you speak UP about the HARM, it will only continue until divorce arrives at your door.

WIth YOUR situation, your H may decide to return on his own.. so you MAY want to use this as an extra push...

It is improtant to understand during confrontation that you do NOT want to ATTACK your spouse, you simply want to EXPOSE the affair - calling it for what it is - and to impress upon him how HARMFUL it is to you and your children.

Once THAT is SAID.. you END ALL CONTACT - period.

Your silence is your message from that point on.

All contact that is necessary through third party has your protest attached to it as a reminder.

I would definitely start CALLING his affair an AFFAIR and tell him how hurtful it is.. the no contact is your choice...

Lets put it as a question.. if you ENDED contact, do you think that would pressure him to come home?

Absence DOES make the heart grow fonder, people on this forum HAVE turned their wayward spouse around to PURSUE THEM EVEN DURING AN AFFAIR by NOT CONTACTING them atall.. it drives the WS crazy

[Allen A]

You could as an alternative wait for the month to find out if he's going to come back or take on a new lease

If it looks like he's going to keep down there, then I would reccomen you use this approach...

If he may come BACK because he's broke, I would use

EXPOSE
CONFRONTATION

in that order.. I assume you have told most of your friends and relatives he's having an affair already anyhow, so expose phase is already done.

BUt I wuld NOT invite him back into your home until the confrontation was done and he agreed to end his affair.

It really all depends on how things turn out down tehre... assuming you want to use his shaky finances as leverage to provoke him to return there.

[Allen A]

So for example if you got a phone call like

HUSBAND : Hey, I am broke and this didn't turn out well. I am coming home.

WIFE : Well, you are not welcome here until OW is GONE and your affair is OVER. Your return here is on condition that you attend family therapy with a RFT privately and with me in private sessions as well. Your affair is NOT welcome in this home... There are CHILDREN here and i will NOT expose them to that environment.

HUSBANd : I just told you have no money, i have no home.. what do you expect me to do?

WIFE : END your AFFAIR - COMPLETELY - NO CONTACT with her EVER AGAIN - You are a PARENT NOW and you should be protecting yoru chidlren, not bringing infidelity into your marriage and putting their family in crisis. What do I expect you to do? I expect you to be an adult like i am. I expect you to be a father to your children. That's what your children need from their father - love and safety - not lies and distance. When you are done playing truth games you can giev my friend a call and discuss this with HER, I am NOT contacting you again.

HUSBAND : I am broke

WIFE : Your children are emotionally broke. They have NO FATEHR they can respect.

CLICK

SOmething like that.

It's daring, I know, but he has children there, they are MISSING a father, it may be time to get tough...

It's your call how you play this, I can only give you suggestions.

[Allen A]

Also, i mentioend this to mb28 yesterday I think... do NOT accept your husband back no questions asked, that will NOT end well, he will just start another affair and move out again...

He MUST change, and family therapy is where that happens...

He MAY try to sneak back into your life with a free pass, charming his way back in because he may sense you miss him.

I do NOT reccomend you do that... He MUST have a conditional return and OWN his mistakes before he comes through the door.

[jasper67]

I say let it fall apart- and keep in the Protective Phase until he's ready to crawl back w/ the conditions you establish

[ALJ]

Allen,

Wow, your advice is helpful and definately not for the faint at heart. I have never been confrontational in our marriage so it is going to take some gut for me to put this into play but I am going to try. I understand your recommendation on emphasizing how hurtful this affair this is to me and our children and maybe his guilt will turn this around. I told him once how hurtful this is to me but that was it. I thought that I saw somewhere on one of the forums that guilting the spouse to come back was a form of pursuing and that it would not work out in the long run. But, with a set of conditions in play, like you said, he would not be able to come back home so easily.

I really haven't told but a few of my friends about what was going on and none of my family knows. I just don't want to hear all the back talk about how I don't need him and I am better off without him. I know one family member that is probably secretly hoping that I don't move away because she depends on me a lot. A tiny part of me still feels embarrassed about the situation and I am afraid to face the fact that he might be in a physical affair. I should know better than to feel this way but I still have my moments.

H claims that he will work two or three jobs if he has too because he is not concerned about himself and just wants to make sure the kids are taken care of. He did mention about wanting to move to a three bedroom apartment. This, to me, is just wishful thinking. He has to get a job first and who knows how long that is going to take? I should have asked him if OW is going to move in with him if he does move to a bigger apartment.

I am undecided about if I should wait until April 30th when his lease runs out to put the pressure on or should I start now and keep mentioning how hurtful this affair is to our children and marriage ever so often and let him know that I am willing to relocate to where he is because I am not giving up on our marriage and our children need their father and that living 14 hours away from them is not going to work. He probably won't like the idea of us moving down there but I could be wrong. Everything seems so up in the air right now.

To answer your question about H responding to no contact, I really don't know. He seems to be doing fine with talking to us just 2-3 times a week. I know he misses his kids but not enough to do the right thing. And we all know how he feels about me. I do know that he would get very upset if he did not talk to his kids and would probably get mad about it and the kids will want to talk to their dad because they miss him. I could limit my personal contact with him and see what happens.