gave W the "weekend off" she was with the boys up where she lives. sunday she sent me an email that she went to church and it was peaceful... that she was starting to feel some faith and hope...
called me that night and said how she was driving around, how she doesn't want to be divorced.. was wondering if she could come down to where I live for the week with the boys and "see" if we could try to be together... like really together.. I told her that would be great...
I elaborated on how the days would be different when we would be together in the future... she asked. I mentioned being much more in touch... bunch of things.
we watched the oscars "together" on the phone.. for a couple of hours... it was... great.
and as I thought would happen, today she sent me an email in the morning saying she had a terrible night of sleep with nightmares.. was feeling terrible but was going to try and pull it together for the day.
called once to check on her-- she sent text saying "got VM, have another appointment and will call back later". she did, left a message about picking up the boys, activities for the rest of the day and that she would catch up with me later.
she totally withdrew today. this is now the third or fourth time she has done this... but never had talked about coming down and being together.
when we talk later tonight, do I even mention the fact that she said she would come down tomorrow? I'm not antipating that.
I think I know the answer... but it is tough because I was in a really good place yesterday-- it was like she sensed my detachment and wanted to reel me back in. she sounded so sincere... like herself.
but today I am back in the barrel... so tough to detatch when she talks about coming down and being "together".. but then seems to totally go back into her tunnel.
I think it is appropriate to ask as you need to be able to plan your time. I'm sure you can find a way to ask without making it sound like you will fall apart if the answer is no.
These "moments" you have with your wife are good things, but you are realizing that they come with an edge. It's not so much that your wife withdraws - that really is NOT a surprising thing in this environment.
The edge is your response to her withdrawal. I'm hoping that with repetition will come acceptance on your part. You do seem to be handling the withdrawal a little better, but it's also clear that it carries baggage.
How many times do you have to extend a soft, gentle, and caring hand to a wounded and hurting animal before it begins to trust you?
I know your wife is not an animal, but she comes to you in a very similar state. She is wounded, maybe even broken in some way. At some point she pointed to you as a contributor in her wounding, rightfully or not. Doesn't it make sense that she feels the need to recoil when she has made herself too vulnerable?
It's asking a lot of you. But this is your wife, your marriage, your family. You are the husband, father, and man in this relationship and I say that carries with it an incredibly vital responsibility to stay the course, shoulder the burden, and be the rock that your family can depend upon.
Prepare for her to show. But also prepare for her to decide not to show. And whatever she eventually does, accept it with grace. Don't get deflated, at least not to her knowledge and don't put her on a guilt trip. Remind yourself of that wounded animal...
Every single one of these positive moments is like hiring the worlds finest mason to build the foundation to your home. And hey, he's a busy guy so sometimes it takes him awhile, but the best is worth waiting for, right?
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
You can ask in a very "soft loving tone" no joke here...it is a writing technique...you use long vowel sounds with longer sentences, softer consenants (m,n,l etc)...it comes across as softer and more sincere...more loving
be prepared for a no
but is OK to ask
keep a smile on your face when you talk to her
if she says no, say, OK...the invitation is open for you to come again, just let me know and seque into a safer topic...don't let the sound of silence incriminate her...
