Struggling with Hope

[Lostforwords]

Eric,

Why ask? Seriously...if a cat is sitting at the door wanting to get out...you let it out. Don't ask her to...let her make the choice! There is a very large difference in that thinking.

So you are sleeping with the enemy..LOL...big deal. That is off course if she keeps curling against you, waking up , and then starts screaming at you for being to close (been there...scarred the crap out of me...lol).

You are a very proud man Eric...I agree that is part of your heritage and culture.....but what is harder...fighting or smiling? Think about it....the answer will surprise you. Then apply that to your personal strength...is it harder to stand or run?

I wasn't asking you to separate the bills (she will do that herself)....just look at it. I would beware the spending though...my wife wasn't bad ($300-400 blown a month) but there are stories here of MLC'ers blowing $25,000 and up really fast.

[ericmsant2]

Lost - as usual good points. I need to spend some time in myself and see if I can figure a few things out. I am looking at what I need to do to protect the kids and myself. And no I will not do anything before following the 48 hr rule and comming here to get a different perspective. BTW the detaching is working. I feel better - Still hurt but I know that that's normal. How r things on ur front? By the way are you on the alt? If so, have you friended me?

[Lostforwords]

Eric,

I keep this part of my life for me....so I don't tie DB'ing in with my alt profile. I will see if I can add through the other site as a friend.

I have some quotes for you;

Be the change that you want to see in the world.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.

There is more to life than increasing its speed.

Very similar to what we talk about here....the guy who made these quotes rose above and changed the world....not by imposing his control on others, but by imposing his control on himself.

Look him up...tell me what you think?

[ericmsant2]

Lost -

Very inspiring quotes. Thank you. I have been reading up on MLC and once again (I know I've said this before) I know now that my W is in a MLC.

I went to see a L and a few things came up...per the L

1) You should not have a problem getting the kids 1/2 the time
2) Do not pay down the debt
3) In terms of the finacials she is working up what it may look like for me. I need this piece of mind so that at least I know what to expect.

This just sucks! I'm still standing and working on myself. Detach..detach...detach...

[Lostforwords]

Eric,

I recommend reading up and researching MLC...the key being is that the research is for your own knowledge. It really can't be used to influence or help the MLC'er....knowledge is power.

I think #1 should make you feel better. The same with #3...knowing the business side ramifications isn't bad IMHO. As long as it is for knowledge and not leverage.

I just don't get #2. I am trying..really trying...to understand this one. If you get a divorce...half of it is going to be yours anyways. Your wife might even try to pin it on you as leverage. I don't know...I just hate debt no matter what the reason. I hate even more paying interest on debt...or in other words paying for debt.

There is also a school of thought that says women feel less security in a relationship with excessive debt....granted that is a side topic to MLC, but it does make me think a bit.

[ericmsant2]

Lost - Yes # 1 make me feel a lot better. The only issue I have is that she may want to fight it since it has a financial impact for her.
In terms of #2…I agree with you I was actually a little surprised myself. I suspect that the L would use this as leverage in an attempt to keep ME in the house. I would like to remain in my home should we go down the dark path of D. I did not ask for this so if someone needs to move I think it should be her. I'm not being an ass about this but I would like to stay in my home and share this with my kids 50% of the time.

On an aside, W and I had more than a 2 min convo today for the first time in while.

So here is what happened….First off, W was off today but left the house at 5:00 AM. I assume that she went to work but doubt it since her car was not there when I drove by. Either way I detach…detach….detach…okay back to the convo….

She arrived at home at 2pm today (I was working from home today) she seemed happy and poured herself a drink, which I thought was weird but hey…to each its own. Her tone today was very casual. We talked nicely and even joked a bit about a few things. She seemed almost normal. I am still in my detach mode and have NO expectations. All in all a very nice casual convo. She filled me in on her schedule for the next few months. We talked about how I am trying to “back her up” in her new job by taking on the responsibility of the kids. We talked briefly about trying to communicate a schedule – she did not appear to want to elaborate on this so I dropped it. We discussed briefly the issue about me taking my daughter on an overnight…I did not apologize and she did not respond. She appeared to open up for just a sec.

BTW – I did NOT have my weeding ring on today. Also, I know that she suspect that my bonus is coming soon so I am not sure if she is being nice because….

a) She trying to make sure that she sees the bonus check hit the account.
b) It was just a casual convo and that’s it
c) A combo to A & B

For the record I think C 

So my questions to you are….
1) I am try to go dim, so how do you deal with these type of sitch’s…are u nice back (even thought you know that she knows that you know that she is in a A)? I was nice cause’ I’m nice guy…even though I really want to grab her and shack the MLC from her (a little humor)
2) I am working very hard on detaching so in some cases, I really would prefer NOT to talk to her however, this may not be the correct approach. So as I work to detach should I also be serious/distant?

As for reading about MLD - that's all I do these days.

Finally – saw the pics…nice Jeep – I have one myself and it’s getting warmer so the hard top is coming off – Yeah!

[ericmsant2]

Interesting day yesterday as I outlined above. As I mentioned W and I spoke for the first time in a while. It was a very nice convo about the kids. I am trying not to read to much into this but I wanted to let you know that yesterday was the first day that I did not wear my wedding ring. Interesting enough…today she did not wear hers.

I’m not sure how to take this.. and I know that I can and should not read too much into this but...I wonder if her not seeing the ring was a negative in her mind. Since I have really started to detach I think she may be opening up a bit. I’m not sure if not wearing the ring was some sort of sign for her. I keep working on myself and I really do not have any expectation but at the same token – I don’t want to mess up the possiblity of reconciliation. Any thoughts on if I should continue to wear the ring? Also, should I try and be a little more social with her or should I continue with my DIM approach and really limit the contact. I am trying to keep my expectations low and felt good about yesterday's convo but I wonder if I did not hurt my cause here. Just looking for some feedback.

[Drew]

I think if you want to wear your ring, you should wear your ring. I think if you don't, then don't.

But most importantly, I think you should stop doing this:

I wonder if her not seeing the ring was a negative in her mind.

[Lostforwords]

Eric,

What about dim with fluctuations? Go dim....don't initiate conversation unless it is essential (kids, finances), but also be willing to listen when she wants to discuss other items. Basically don't be at her beckon call.....or leading conversations. Then if you are listening to a conversation she started and it gets to intense for you....walk away from it. The hard part about this is you have to be honest with yourself and retreat from conversation that you know will cause you emotional turmoil.

On thing I learned is that MLC'ers want to be heard, but they don't want to listen. So they will shut down a lot when it is the other person time to speak....just an FYI.

Be nice....and keep it simple. Let the affair thing just become a skeleton in the closet. It is hard to do that.....but once you start improving yourself it will be easier and easier. Just being honest.

Overall how you handle conversations is up to you (see how taking the high road starts giving returns) and you control that. Other than stuff that has to be discussed....you can control what happens. If you don't feel like talking...don't. If she starts and conversation and you feel like...then talk.

Wearing your ring...completely up to you, but don't do it just to expect a reaction from your wife. Do it for you one way or the other.

[Bworl]

When wearing or not wearing your wedding ring has become a strategy instead of a sign of your commitment and promises, you know you have a focus problem.

For what it's worth, the MLC'er is typically happy to have us reach a point of peace and acceptance. Removing your ring tells your wife that you have accepted that the marriage is over. That being the case, she probably figures that you're finally coming to grips with her decision.

If you accept, then she can tentatively reach out to you - sort of testing the waters. If you go apeshit on her with "if only" talk, you'll see how quickly she turns the other way.


The bigger point I think is that you need to STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP analyzing and looking for positive/negative signs.


Your wife is driving, and she's driving like one of those crazy 300km/hour european drivers on the autobahn. Are you SURE you want to be riding with her right now? Dang, only if you have a serious pain/death wish.


I know it's hard being in the same house when she has already severed ties. But I also know that you could find a way to handle it if you would STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP working the situation. Don't be looking for positives OR negatives. Stop looking. Turn the other direction.


Eric - step AWAY from the marriage relationship sir!


You've got plenty that you can focus on without devoting time to her and what she's thinking/doing.



School, personal finances, building your relationship with the kids, personal goals/dreams you never tried, activities with friends, etc, etc, etc.



Stay locked on your wife's drama and you are officially on the rollercoaster from hell.


Not a fun ride.



Blessings,

bill