Going straight forward...antlers 6th thread.

[antlers]

I need some help. I got this in an E-mail from her late last night...

"I don't know if you've looked at the kids' grades lately but they are horrible.
Son is making C's, D's, and an F. Daughter has a C and D also. Starting
tomorrow (Monday) I want their agendas brought home EVERY day and I am going to
look at them (whether they are with me or you). I want them to write what they
did in class and what is coming up (assignments, tests, etc). Also, school
offers "Tuesday Tutors" where the kids can go and get help. I want Son to
start going this Tuesday. Daughter can go also to support him. It's from 3:45 to
4:45 so he'll need picking up. These grades need to be brought up. I will
start looking at them daily and you need to ask them about them as well. With
those kinds of grades they should be having homework every night. I'm also
going to email Son's teachers and see about him staying in during recess
and/or lunch to get some work done. It looks like he's missing assignments from
when you checked him out of school and kept him home. These should have already
been done. We need to work with them on this. This is their lives we are
dealing with and I do not want them to have low gpa's or repeat a grade. Both
of them are much smarter than the grades they are portraying.

W"


I've told her all along this crap has and is affecting the kids in a negative way, and she didn't want to hear any of it! Anyway I need to respond and I'd like some help from you folks.


ps- son was very sick with sinusitis and he missed a few days of school because of it (that's what she was referring to). Our kids always made good grades when they lived at home with both parents.

[CityGirl]

I might respond by first agreeing the poor grades must be addressed and a plan to get the children back on track is necessary. I might also express your desire to get to the root issue as to why the grades have dropped so drastically.

You said the children always had good grades before the divorce. While the workload may have increased as they move from grade to grade certainly there is more than just an increased workload or a more difficult curriculum causing such poor grades.

I would agree/validate your W's idea of a concrete plan on how to bring the grades up (tutoring, school work at home, having a parent check the list each night) but also be very clear in YOUR desire to find and address the root cause of the poor grades.

[ClingingToHope]

I don't know, CityGirl. Antlers clearly believes the breakdown of the M is the root cause -- and most likely it is. BUT Mrs. Antlers isn't going to want to hear any of that.

So I'd pick apart the plan. Does it sound reasonable -- it sounds a little overboard to me -- and work together on it.

Last year both D11 and D7 had terrible years in school -- for varying reasons.

The crux of the problem with D11 was the afterschool sitters weren't making her do her homework, leaving two bickering, tired parents to do it with her when we'd get home.

So that was a disaster.

This year we screened our afterschool sitter much better and told her the NO. 1 priority was for D11 to have her homework done by 6 p.m.

D7 is a different story. The school district started a special program for kids with ADHD. It's been a Godsend and she's thriving.

Now in W's brain, I can see her thinking, "see, we split up and the girls are doing better."

They are doing better acedemically because we learned our lesson last year and came up with a plan. Emotionally, they are both hurting.

But I'm not going to fight that fight with W. She'll figure it out eventually. I just focus on the girls and their emotional well being.

Focus on the problem. She's probably sitting there waiting for Antlers to focus on the R. I don't think it'll do any good to go down that road.

[Gypsy]

Hey Ant..

Sounds like school is tough for the kids now.

Their mom has a good idea in monitoring the kids work. However, alerting the teachers and setting up a meeting with you, their mom and the school might work better. Instituting a plan in which all are on board helps it work efficiently.

Many schools will have homework sign off where the child brings home the homework assignments (signed by the teacher) which the parent sign before the kids take it back.

Maintaining contact through email with the school is also good. Any and all emails should have both your names.

The book, "Love and Logic", provides straightforward ways of the kids learning to take responsibility. Living between two households adds its own confusion making maintaining consistency difficult. Having both parents working toward the same goal helps immensely.

A gold star for their mom for taking steps toward addressing school problems. A pat on the back for your awareness of the effects of the divorce on the kids. Now it's roll up your sleeves time to make it work for the kids.

Address the schoolwork, providing consistent structure and expectations between both households.

Address the emotional issues, conflicts and/or stress the kids are feeling. Many schools have divorce groups, etc. for kids. Talk to the school psychologist or social worker about whether the children would benefit from outside counseling.

I was told that kids watch as the parents tug the rope back and forth between each other, fighting with all the negative emotion. Drop the rope and hug your child instead.

Your divorcing/divorced? spouse crosses boundaries with the level of venom she spews. Responding does nothing. I remember what I did..

If the divorcing spouse screamed, yelled, was insufferably insulting, I'd hang up.

If the divorcing spouse was on a roll, I'd say.. "Absolutely!", "I can see how you'd feel that way." "Perfect." It takes two to fight. I'd opt not to stir the pot since his was usually a toxic stew.

If I received an email with insults, I'd reply based solely on the facts, or ignore it if there was no need to follow up.

A lot of this is learning your own boundaries, what is healthy for you.

I don't care if she's unhappy. Her misery and/or joy in life is her responsibility. So is yours!

Do what it takes to keep you on an even keel. She's right on track about addressing the issues for the kids. But make sure the whole picture is seen.. and work with the school. If everyone is involved it forces the kids to be more involved, too.

*hugs*

[CityGirl]

I wasn't suggesting Antlers call her up and some long R talk to show her how it is hurting the children.

No matter what the root cause is though if it is not addressed it won't ever go away, right? I can't say I know the best way to address it but it would seem that somehow it would need to be addressed.

A plan is a good idea to improve the grades. Understanding why the grades dropped and how that can be rectified is equally as important. Just my 2 cents!

[Gypsy]

Hey Clinging..

Children also model after their parents. Amazingly all my kids are doing better than ever from about nine months since the divorce was finalized. And this is even with their father basically seeing them for a diner meal on holidays with an occasional dinner with our daughter.

When going into this unexpected emotional chaos with the former spouse blaming me for ruining his life, I decided I was a good person going in to this, and that I'd be a good person coming out of it.

The kids would watch me struggle, keep trying and then succeed. They heard me when I said that there was so much to be grateful for in our lives, all that we had. That it's a choice to focus on the negative or embrace the positive. Accepting both, realizing what can and cannot be controlled.

I tried to never spoke negatively about their dad in front of them. Just strived to be the best I could be.. results varying day by day, but always trying.

Personal counseling helped me immensely as far as learning what it is to be healthy, creating boundaries. I always thought my job was to fall on the sword, take one for the team.

At least for me it's been a multi-step process.. and one that I'm still working on.

*hugs*

[antlers]

CityGirl, Gypsy, and Clinging...thank you for helping me with this. I simply agreed that their poor grades must be addressed, and that a plan to get them back on track was necessary. I did say that I desired to get to the root issue as to why their grades have dropped so drastically. I said they'd always made good grades before, and that there had to be something other than an increased workload or harder curriculum causing such bad grades. I agreed with her plan, and said it was a good idea. But I was clear that I wanted to find and address the root cause of their poor grades.

[iwantittowork]

Hey Ant, that sounds like a reasonable reply to me, hope that today finds you doing well..

[antlers]

Hi IWITW.

I've been getting lots of nastygrams from her recently, calling me names and cutting me down in nearly every one of them.

I'm doin' OK, especially under the circumstances. Sucks.

Hope you're doin' OK too.

[Gypsy]

Ant..

That is one angry chihuahua.

*hugs*