Their mom has a good idea in monitoring the kids work. However, alerting the teachers and setting up a meeting with you, their mom and the school might work better. Instituting a plan in which all are on board helps it work efficiently.
Many schools will have homework sign off where the child brings home the homework assignments (signed by the teacher) which the parent sign before the kids take it back.
Maintaining contact through email with the school is also good. Any and all emails should have both your names.
The book, "Love and Logic", provides straightforward ways of the kids learning to take responsibility. Living between two households adds its own confusion making maintaining consistency difficult. Having both parents working toward the same goal helps immensely.
A gold star for their mom for taking steps toward addressing school problems. A pat on the back for your awareness of the effects of the divorce on the kids. Now it's roll up your sleeves time to make it work for the kids.
Address the schoolwork, providing consistent structure and expectations between both households.
Address the emotional issues, conflicts and/or stress the kids are feeling. Many schools have divorce groups, etc. for kids. Talk to the school psychologist or social worker about whether the children would benefit from outside counseling.
I was told that kids watch as the parents tug the rope back and forth between each other, fighting with all the negative emotion. Drop the rope and hug your child instead.
Your divorcing/divorced? spouse crosses boundaries with the level of venom she spews. Responding does nothing. I remember what I did..
If the divorcing spouse screamed, yelled, was insufferably insulting, I'd hang up.
If the divorcing spouse was on a roll, I'd say.. "Absolutely!", "I can see how you'd feel that way." "Perfect." It takes two to fight. I'd opt not to stir the pot since his was usually a toxic stew.
If I received an email with insults, I'd reply based solely on the facts, or ignore it if there was no need to follow up.
A lot of this is learning your own boundaries, what is healthy for you.
I don't care if she's unhappy. Her misery and/or joy in life is her responsibility. So is yours!
Do what it takes to keep you on an even keel. She's right on track about addressing the issues for the kids. But make sure the whole picture is seen.. and work with the school. If everyone is involved it forces the kids to be more involved, too.
