In the last session with my therapist, she asked if I made the counseling appointment for H and I to go together. I immediately said No, I was having a bad week, and I too felt like he shouldve made the appointment and take some initiative to want a part of the baby's life. She said I was acting on anger rather than what makes the most sense. Ideally, this baby is both of ours, so yes we do need to learn how to co-parent, like it or not. Will I suck all the pain and hurt in order to give my child both parents in his life, even if its unconventional? Yes. Will I like it? NO. Does it meanI will ever stop loving him? No. In the beginning of this I threatened to go the custody route, etc. and that he would never see his child. He asked I do not go through the custody battle, because it would not be good for an infant. He still thinks we are BFF. You know what... I hate him for what he is doing, and he will have a fair opportunity to be a father, and if he fails, at least I know, and can someday tell my son, it tried. I can not imagine handing over a small infant on weekends to sleep out. H asked if he should move in when the baby is born, I said absolutely not! We only live together as H and W not friends or roomies.
My therapist suggested I make the appt. for co-parenting counseling for several weeks from now. I still havent done it. H wants to go, little strange. The therapist said at the very least, H and I will be in a room with a counselor and will be able to talk and discuss what we now make constant arguments out of. She made really good points about needing this mediator to explain to him, what he did and how he hurt me, etc. also for his to maybe communicate clearly and let me understand why he left, and that the new counselor may help us on our relationship, whatever it may be. The therapist also mentioned, while not wanting to give me false hope, but maybe this is a foot in the door to seeking counseling together. The place she refered me to is Pro-Relationship, so she does believe at one point, several sessions in, a good counselor will pull him aside and ask what his real reasons are for this separation, and she will be able to see if there is something to help him or even us. he does go to counseling on his own. She said I should go in a be honest, and tell them I am hurt and dont know how I can co-parent with someone who I love and promised my life too and now he left and we have a baby to raise. Its okay that i show how I truly feel. She said a marriage therapist will try to see beyond the topical issues and getting the two of us in a room with therapy together, no matter what the initial reason is, may be our life saver. She thinks him wanting to go to co-parenting counseling may be a small part of him that is scared and wants things to work out between us but he may be scared. We also talked about the fact that this may be a reality for me to understand that he is really never coming back.
She left me with three words that I repeat to myself everytime I get down... "Trust The Process". I asked so many questions about therapy, about DB and DR, and our individual therapists and why his hasnt slapped him upside his head yet etc. She said she wouldnt approach a patient and ask him anything until they have had several sessions and felt she has their trust, but if his therapist asked him why he left and nagged him, eventually he would never go back...
I dont know... I have hope some minutes and compete doubt others... When I think of who he was and how we loved each other and how we wanted to get pregnant and so on, and how excited we both were, I think he will find the love again.
For me the issue if bazaar. The first time I noticed my H act strange was the night we told all of our family and friends we were expecting. That day he was smiling ear to ear, happier than i have ever seen him. That night he met with a friend, who too was having marital problems and separated at the time from his wife, and said that night he shared with his friend that we have issue too, that our marriage is not perfect, since his friend held a ruler of measure to our relationship. Could he be scared of the baby and being a father? His personality changed overnight. I thought of everything... is he on drugs, is he scared... is he in love with someone else, is he depressed? He left a week later, I basically approached him and asked if he was not happy what was he doing with me, and he left. His parents opened their home to him (huge mistage) and I live at home. Most of his belonging are there and he doesnt seem to have any intentions to move out? Last we spoke, as its now been 10 days (huge for me) he wanted to clear out our "baby room" so that we can measure for baby furniture etc. I told him not go to the house... we argued, mainly I yelled and asked for answers...big no no and now he will text my mom if he needs anything from the house, like his mail etc.
regardless of why he left, his personality did a complete 360 and I am truly worried about him as a person. He is somewhat depressed and not himslef, and yes after knowing his closely for 16 years, I am confident in knowing that much. I do think he has male depression, and whether he is with someone else or whatever, I do know this is not him. Makes me so sad. But I finally undersdtand that what ever it is he is going through, no I can not be the one to help him or save him.
Not sure I will ever know what any of this mess is... Only thing I do know is that I have to Trust the Process.
