My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[nicole8]

dburt, so glad you made it to the other side. That really is great.

I feel my husband is going to take my going dark/GAL/ignoring him and throw it in my face. I reason what may happen is that he will tell me he had to file for divorce because I ignored him. I'll just have to wait and see if he actually does finally follow through and file. I hope awest is right that he would have already done it if he was going to.

I think he is just using this time away to talk/see with the OW. Again pisses me off and I am just venting again, but I am just so sick and tired of this. I really truly am beginning to imagine how great our lives could be together or.....apart. I just can't imagine that his depressive roller coaster to reality won't come crashing down again and he will be back at my door. Maybe he won't because he is really stuborn. On the other hand he is really emotioinally needy. Maybe he will come to realize that the OW doesn't really have a need for him in her life once she does make the move to the other side of the country. I don't know what will bring him off the roller coaster again. I do know that I need to obviously handle it completely different than I did in the past.

Anyone know of any good books on communication? Apparently I am a bad communicator and just talk about stupid bull&$*#..... seriously that is what he told me.

[dburt]

That is why you have to go dark, act as if you are happy as a lark and go do something really fun for yourself. This is you time. He is trying to justify his actions by getting you involved with some sort of R talk and then turning it around and use that conversation to show you how miserable he is with you. Just start to validate what he says, with gosh I can see how you would feel that way or I am sorry you are going through this. You do not have to agree with anything, but to validate. Then get the hell out of there. It is hard to argue with someone that is validating you.

See how this works. Trust me, that is why I am here, I did make it and I want you to know that there is hope. I cannot guarantee that this will work for you, but I can tell you it gives yourself the best chance to make it work. And if it does not, his loss, because you are going to be great afterwards. Have you made any changes in yourself yet, hair, dress, make up, gym, lost weight, put some of those fru fru undies on and prance around. This is you time! mmmmm fru fru undies.

Burt

[lolawar]

Nicole
I am in a similar situation with H. That fog and the mixed messages..the waffling to and fro. It truly makes your head spin. It makes you feel like you are going crazy. My H is infatuated with the OW as well...in a complete fantasy land. The OW would never make him happy..you can read my posts for more details..but I too..believe my H suffers from depression and have spoken to his family about this...well they noticed as well- it really wasn't hard to tell.

My H also always showed signs of depression but would never get treated. He always did better when he was eating well and exercising more. With his tough work schedule and a bum leg- he hasn't been able to. My H did decide to go see an IC. The IC did tell him he was unhappy. When I ask my H how he is going to deal with his depression..he says the IC never used the word depressed..just that he is unhappy. The IC also told him that he shouldn't put his unhappiness on our marriage or myself.

We are currently separated and up until this past weekend..he continued talking to OW. She works with her as well. He has told me before that he has ended things but has gone back 2x in the past. It is crazy. I cannot begin to understand what is going through his head. I think it is the drama- my H affair is also an IMMATURE high school type relationship- the text messages I read were just ridiculous. My husband has turned into a 16 year old boy.

You hear this advice over and over again...but it is so important. Begin to do things for yourself and try to stay out of the craziness of his life for the time being. Don't live in his drama filled world. You will feel more in control of the situation and your self esteem will be preserved. Do not give into him..they become so manipulative and selfish when in this state. Stay away!!!

The hardest part for me is watching my H destroy his life and our marriage while trying to remain quiet and distant. It is painful..but necessary. I don't always succceed with this..but it has gotten easier with practice. Any thing you have to say will fall on deaf ears until they are ready to hear you. While in this fog...you sound like Charlie Brown's teacher to them...waahhh wahhhhh wahhhh.

[jasper67]

^YEP

That's why you keep everything short and concise...I myself tend to be very longwinded-

W actually has told me when I start to blubber, she hears none of it...good to know

[nicole8]

Lolawar-
Very funny that you referr to your husband as a 16 year old boy. If you read back in my post I said that my husbands relationship with the OW is very "high school". It really is. The whole thing is so ridiculous and I am also debating even just in the last few hours...why am I trying so hard for someone who has treated me so horribly? I do know that he treats strangers better than he has treated me.

I too am young (34 next month) and I feel it would almost be easier to start over....but would it really be easier in the end? I don't know. I do really love him and I do think he is "sick" and not in his right mind. Just two months ago he said what he regretted the most was that he hurt me. The question is, did he really mean it? I felt like the fog had been lifted for a few days at that time, but then he was right back talking with the OW.

I am luckier in a way I guess. The OW is moving to the other side of the country at the end of May. I can only hope that he will wake up and realize that it will not work out. She is 24 and going to school with people her own age 3,000 miles away. WTF is he thinking?

I too find it very hard to just watch my husband essentially destroy his life, our marriage and everything we have worked for during our marriage. Apparantly, none of this is important now. Very true to more I tried to point this out...he didn't care and he told me so.

Anyway, I have been very dark with no communication at all for the last 48 hours. Dburt I have been trying to do more for myself...I have spent loads of time with my best friend in the world and she has given me so much strength to keep going on. She doesn't pass judgement and just gives an ear to listen. Love her and her husband so much.

Dburt, I have always worn fru fru undies.... my husband loved it in the past. More recently he has said that being at our house is part of the problem, because he is attracted to me and it makes it hard for him to be here. I am not sure what the heck that means.

[dburt]

Then make sure you leave looking unbelievable when he comes over, you are much too busy for him, do you get it?

Burt

[nicole8]

dburt-
I get it.... Going to get my hair colored and cut this week. Just don't know if I will see or hear from him again. Pretty sure he is going to throw my ignoring him in my face.... we'll have to see.

[lolawar]

i completely understand about him throwing it in your face that you are ignoring him. They lose touch with reality and make up their own. When I asked my H to leave..he played the victim. He said 'after 10 years..this is what I get'...like I chose any of this? or just recently he got a speeding ticket and I asked him why he didn't let me know. I said 'I am your spouse'...his response was 'oh now you want to be my spouse?'...acting as if- I broke my vows.

I am 34 and don't have children. I have always taken very good care of myself..and him for that matter. I have always had a life of my own. It is hard to make changes when really..our changes don't help. It is their issues..and issues that we cannot help them with. The OW isn't a 24 year old...but a secretary at his office with two interracial illegitimate children..never married..and she had another affair within his office....in debt. Earth to H...Earth to H. Anyone there? nope.

His IC also told my H that he lacked empathy. Besides the A..and depression..my H does not have empathy??? wtf? I am with you on being so ambivalent about wanting to save my marriage. I used to be so proud of my H and my marriage. My marriage has now become a Jerry Springer episode.

One of the toughest things for me was for the past year or so he has blamed me and our marriage for his unhappiness. The new puppy wasn't trained, he was used to being praised all the time growing up and I didn't do that enough, I went to bed too early.....on and on and on. I kept making changes...but it was a moving target. NOTHING made him happy. None of my changes mattered. He was still UNHAPPY. He would just come up with something else to blame his unhappiness on. We had a very nice life and very solid marriage. It wasn't me or the marriage..it was HIM and his A that caused all of this. His IC has told him this which has made me feel a little bit better about it. I couldn't sit back and let my H rewrite our marital history based on his skewed perception of everything as a result of his A. I felt like I have lived a different life than him for the best 10 years.

I am not as fortunate as you...OW is like spare change..always there...and most likely not going to leave his office. I don't know if my H will decide to leave but he just got a great promotion and doubt that he will give that up..but he has surprised me in the past. who knows.

Your H needs to get himself into therapy...clearly this is not about him finding someone else that is BETTER than you and trying to escape the marriage. He is just looking to escape himself..destination fantasyland..and he needs to deal with whatever issues he has..death of his dead..childhood issues..whatever they may be.

[awest1217]

Make sure you are not ignoring H. Ignoring and going dark are two different things. If he contacts you, make sure you respond. You don't need to tell him everything, be mysterious, but it is ok to give him a little something. The key is that he has to contact you. You shouldn't initiate anything, but if he asks how you are doing or some other question. There is no reason not to respond. Or if you want to wait a while and respond later that is good as well, but it is important that you respond at some point.

[nicole8]

Awest-
I am definately not ignoring him. He chose to go stay at his mom's on feb 26th (when he started talking with the OW again) The last time I spoke with him was Mar 6th. He hasn't called and I haven't called him either. I am most definately certain that he will be mad at or blame me for the lack of communication. When he does contact me, I will respond of course in a somewhat timely manner.

Lolawar- I really can relate to your situation. I am reading this book titled "Is he depressed or what" about depression in males. I think maybe the book was written entirely about my husband. The attitude and way that he has treated me over the last year or two is due, I believe to his depression. I believe he has always been somewhat depressed but has become more depressed in the last 2-3 years after his father passed away.

However, that is not how he sees it. He is unhappy in our marriage, doesn't think he was ever happy in our marriage or should have ever been married. He also told me in November that he thought he was a pathalogical liar. WTF!

I am also always doing everything wrong and should be doing it a different way. We always have to work on what projects he feels are most important and if I am not doing it his way it angers him. Why I brushed off or ignored this behavior, I am not certain. I think I just felt he was under alot of stress and was going through something.

I'm afraid it will be to late before he realizes what he has been doing. I think in his little head, the fact that he goes over and stays at his mom's that it is "ok" to talk with or see the other woman because he isn't "with" me. Somehow that isn't cheating. This is so messed up.

On Saturday Mar 6th, he claimed he wasn't seeing/dating her, she wasn't working at his work and that she was back and forth from here and the East Coast. I called him out on his lie, he left his work schedule at our house and she is clearly on the schedule. He said "fine maybe she is working, I don't know". LIAR! I just don't get it. My friend told me when she figures our what flight he is on, she will ask that it "return to earth".

I do know that my husband needs therapy for himself at the very least. He will not do it though. He doesn't have a problem in his eyes, I am the problem and he needs a divorce possibly according to him.