I think what you WERE doing was VERY EFFECTIVE... but you need to KEEP DOING that... you did a complete 180 today... it set you back a few weeks most likley... I think its possible to put that fire out.. we just need to send him anotehr letter telling him you are HURT and the AFFAIR needs to END and that HURTING your CHILDREN with a DIVORCE is NOT an OPTION for you
He needs to be TOLD by a FT how much damage divorce does to kids.. there is a MOUNTAIN of evidene to prove that divorce HARMS chidlren... he likley thinks they will "get over it" in teh long run... they DON'T
I know how it feels when you slip up...I have done it MANY times over the past year and right now I am really trying to be disciplined. Don't beat yourself up but also think of this like something you MUST do. Its the short term that will help in the long term. Look at not contacting your husband as something you MUST do for your children. Everytime you contact your husband you are affecting your children's future (this is not all the way true but this is what I tell myself to keep from contacting husband...you are trying to save your marriage and keep your family together and contact will only make those chances worst for now).
Today was just that and I have been having turmoil within today also and didn't even workout. Lets both promise to be good to ourselves and our children. Treat yourself each day. I am about to cook a wonderful dinner for my parents because I love cooking and that is my treat and then I am going to the bookstore later on tonight after I put son to sleep.
NC is hard and it will not push husband to divorce. Like Allen said before, it just gives him a taste of what divorce life is REALLY like. Read pearlharbor's post starting with the ones AFTER she kicked boyfriend out. She went NC for almost a month besides the emails to handle business things and they are piecing.
hang in there mb28 and don't sweat today. Your husband is REALLY confused and impulsive right now. He will thank you in the future when your family has remained intact.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
a. You want your marriage b. Your children NEED your marriage c. His affair is HURTING YOU and HURTING the children d. Divorce just hurts YOU and YOUR CHILDREN a LOT MORE e. You need some space right now because his affair has you and his children in a lot of pain - if he has anything to say he can leave a message with <whomever is your intermediary>
"Divorce is not an option for me. I want the best for our children and divorce will hurt our children.
I know we have a marriage worth saving, and I would really like us to try together. Your affair is huring both of us and is not heatlhy. I think it's best that we don't have any contact of any kind until you end your affair. Any and all contact must be through your mom until you end your affair."
I didn't change much just some wording. I usually get to wordy and emotional and I like how to the point your draft letter was.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
Allen just saw your last post and I think the point in C needs to be added.
Divorce is not an option for me. I want the best for our children and divorce will hurt our children.
I know we have a marriage worth saving, and I would really like us to try together. Your affair is hurting both of us and our children and it is not heatlhy. This is very hurtful to me and I think it's best that we don't have any contact of any kind until you end your affair. Any and all contact must be through your mom until you end your affair."
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
This is the letter I sent, paraphrased from Harley's book.
Effective so far from stopping D, but not ending A. It is hard for me to accept that you do not share my feelings of wanting a future together.
""I apologize for my part in creating an environment that makes your affair with her possible. I foolishly went on with my life, enjoying my role as mother and house frau, resentfully ignoring your needs. I was not there for you when you needed me, and we are now both suffering for my mistakes. I wanted to avoid those mistakes, and create a new life for us both that would meet your needs. I was able to once, I was sure I could do it again. Obviously, I could not while another is meeting those needs. I wanted us to be able to rebuild our marriage, meeting each others needs, having fun and earning a living together, a new lifestyle in which everything we did would make us both happy, while avoiding doing anything to hurt each other. We were able to pull together to deal with the kids successfully, (our biggest hurdle/issue), and I hoped we could continue pulling together to tackle our other issues one by one. Maybe someday you will want to give me/us the opportunity.
I must take my focus off of you while I build a new life for myself, so I can't start into the whole lawyer thing right now. At first, I thought it better to get it over with before I do that, but I have rethought it. If you are in a hurry to marry her, go ahead and file, or I will when I'm ready to tackle it. Until then, I will avoid seeing you or communicating with you. I know from experience that it will be too painful. You must know the suffering I've endured because of your relationship with her and watching you build a new life with her kills me. I still love you completely, but I cannot have any type of relationship with you under these conditions. As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from her, I may be willing to discuss our future. I loved you when we married, and I continue to love you to this day, but I can't bear to see you or help you as long as you are with her."
Not perfect but he has pretty much left me alone. The last time, when I impulsively threw him out, he checked temperature every couple of days. This is by far more peaceful for me.
This was his response:
"You have been a saint.
I know it doesn't make sense that when I say I love you that I leave. I just need to finally figure this all out, and I saw no other way. There was just too much pain everywhere.
I may just be an old fool. Don't know. But like I told you. if I am going to be with you I guess it does need to be 100 percent.
This is all hard. I never imagined we would be in this situation. And I am so sorry for the hurt I have done. I wish you knew me even better, and you would understand how all of this also makes me feel.
"As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from her, I may be willing to discuss our future. " I am going to hold you to that. I know it says "may", but I need to hear that.
I do love you very much.""
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
I love you and I married you for life. I want to remain married to you. I am willing and committed to doing what it takes to be the spouse you've always wanted and to address the things that I did wrong in our marriage.
The affair is so painful for me that it will destroy the love I have for you. In order to protect those feelings I must end all contact with you. As soon as the affair is over I would love to talk with you about our future. Until that time please respect my wish for no contact whatsoever in any form.
In an emergency you can reach me through ______. Arrangements for seeing children and handling finances are_____.
Sincerely, [YOUR NAME]
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
I love you and I married you for life. I want to remain married to you. I am willing and committed to doing what it takes to be the spouse you've always wanted and to address the things that I did wrong in our marriage.
The affair is so painful for me that it will destroy the love I have for you. In order to protect those feelings I must end all contact with you. As soon as the affair is over I would love to talk with you about our future. Until that time please respect my wish for no contact whatsoever in any form.
In an emergency you can reach me through ______. Arrangements for seeing children and handling finances are_____.
Sincerely, [YOUR NAME]
I love this. I think if you took 100 people on these boards, in various stages of infidelity, and they did NOTHING ELSE RIGHT, but they sent this? and stuck to it??
I bet 50-75% of the affairs would be busted, right off the top. Seriously.
Yup, even if you read it and think its effective as is that's ok, i like to know someone else has read it with a clear head
I don't like writing blind, it makes me very nervous... I am usign to having people do walkthroughs of my work so I don't have to worry lol
I am thinking maybe this :
Divorce is not an option for me. I want the best for our children and divorce will hurt our children.
I know we have a marriage worth saving, and I would really like us to try together. Your affair is hurting both us and our children and is not healthy.
I think it's best that we don't have any contact until you end your affair. Any and all contact must be through your mom until you end your affair for the sake of our children and my emotional health. I feel horrible that you are cheating on me and your children.
