No, I was lucky in that. I did bring it up with BF, told him that I would understand if it was difficult for him to let OW go. He insisted that it wasn't so I just had to take him at his word. I'm sure it would have been infinitely more difficult had she still worked with BF (she got laid off in the middle of their affair, I think it's karma).
BF is definitely the type to make a decision and stick with it. That's how he quit smoking both times (he took it up again with OW, ugh) so I tend to believe that's what he did with OW. But of course I still had MANY moments of doubt and continued to check his mobile phone and email accounts.
Withdrawal from an EA/PA is common and can be compared to withdrawal from any addictive substance. That's why IC is often recommended.
Are you reading the threads in Piecing? There are stories of the WAS going through withdrawal and how people dealt with it.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Pearlharbr- I do struggle with playing the 'fix it' role. I will not pursue the MC until he initiates. I wasn't comfortable about initiating it...hence my message here. Thanks for "talking" me out of it.
did your spouse suffer withdrawal from EA/PA? My H affair is not dying a natural death...he had to make a choice and he decided to end it...but it is still an addictive relationship...and he works with her each day. To me...it seems cut and dry..You made a decision..stick to it. The OW and his R with her is an A to nowhere. He is well aware of this..but still the back and forth...it leaves my head spinning..and it makes it impossible to begin gaining any kind of trust..when he cannot even trust himself.
Lola,
You misunderstand chemical withdrawal (and affair ARE chemical addictions, once allowed to go on). The withdrawal process DOES NOT START UNTIL CONTACT IS ENDED, and I don't just mean romantic contact. ANY contact -- even NEGATIVE contact -- resets the withdrawal "clock" back to 0:00.
Once completely no-contact has been established, "hard withdrawal" usually takes 1-3 weeks. COMPLETE withdrawal usually takes 6-18 months.
Without 100% no-contact? Well, think of it like the "drip . . . drip . . . drip . . . " of an IV. Just enough of a "fix" to keep your husband addicted to her.
Thanks Puppy..I don't know how this is going to work for him...he works with her in a very small office!!! He did tell me that she texted him early last week...trying to initiate conversation outside of work and he didn't respond. Not sure how long that is going to last. I didn't ask him..he offered this information to me. I haven't spoken to him since Friday and I know how this can all change (he can fall of the wagon at any moment). You do not think it is enough that he makes a decision and sticks to it?
I used to bartend when in college..we used to get a lot of recovered alcoholics that would just come in for soda or water. Didn't touch alcohol again. I know this goes against the tried and true philosophy of removing the addict from the stimulus. But can it work with him still there? I don't know if H is going through withdrawal...but I would have to assume that he is.. I remember him being withdrawn when he said he ended his A last time...and soon..just started the A back up again.
Puppy- what is your take on MC? when is the right time?
Pearharbr- I am going to read up on piecing..thank you
You do not think it is enough that he makes a decision and sticks to it?
I used to bartend when in college..we used to get a lot of recovered alcoholics that would just come in for soda or water. Didn't touch alcohol again. I know this goes against the tried and true philosophy of removing the addict from the stimulus.
It CAN work, but not when it's still so new. I doubt those recovering alcoholics were hitting the bars within days and weeks of seeking help, and agreeing to end their relationship with alcohol.
I would only recommend MC if it's to get their help in brokering a no-contact/transparency agreement, and I would only do THAT if I knew UP FRONT that the MC was going to help me make that stance.
Thanks Puppy. He has agreed to NC..it really is a matter of how long it lasts. We already did the No Contact letter when I first learned of his A. Any ideas this time around? The No Contact letter seems like a big joke at this point..sadly enough.
I need to call the MC back tonight...and hold off until he expresses interest and initiates...as pearlharbr suggested. How long does NC have to be continuous for MC to start? I am pretty much dark with him right now...so not sure how to ask for transparency. How do I ask for transparency without looking like 'mom' or 'cop'? I love the phrase Puppy used- you want commitment not compliance...but how do I measure commitment without requesting full transparency...which feels like asking for compliance?? Rambling..but does this make any sense?
Well...I didn't exactly let him bring it up...I just told him that the MC had an appointment open on Thursday if he was interested. He said yes...so now what? or is this what the MC is going to help me/us figure out? We really aren't 'talking'...just texts every few days. Should he be kissing my but at this point...or is this normal?
What do you know about this marriage counselor? Who selected her/him? What is his/her counseling methods? Any experience with infidelity?
My MC is a strong MWD follower, and very strongly pro-marriage. You'd be surprised (saddened? shocked? outraged?) by how many actually AREN'T pro-marriage, but I would never head into any joint MC session without largely knowing what stance(s) they are going to take, ahead of time.
Much like the President of the United States doesn't go into a foreign negotiation without his advance team forging broad agreements AHEAD of time, so must a betrayed spouse head into MC sessions with the utmost of caution and planning.
Thanks Puppy A friend of mine has been using her...but just relationship issues that are occurring in her marriage..very early on..such as sharing responsibilities..showing affection..that kind of thing..so I am not sure how she will be in this situation.
I did have a lengthy conversation with her late last week but I am not sure what to make of it. She asked me several times..."and why do you want to stay with him?" I described to her my H's moods and behavior and shared with her what my H's IC told him about his lack of empathy. She says that without even meeting him...she believes that his sitch is going to require extensive therapy...especially because of his family history of bi-polar.
She also said that she would meet with us..but would like to meet with me separate. In an earlier post I mentioned that this concerned me. I felt like (and perhaps I'm wrong) she thought that I was in an abusive relationship or co-dependent (which may be the case). She was very adamant about me not letting him back in the house. She also said that your H will basically need to kiss my as* for the rest of his life to make up for his mistakes. (doesn't sound like pro marriage)
My friend has been to multiple therapists..but absolutely loves this woman. I actually did like my talk with her as well. Will an MC that is against marriage say "sorry- it is over..cut your losses" during MC?
To answer your question, such a MC will more likely say things like "it might be best for you to find 'you' again," or "I think you need to explore your missed Life Opportunities," or "Maybe the two of you just need some 'space' right now," or some such. Self-actualization gobbledegook.
Based on your characterizations, I personally would not attend. I would ONLY attend with someone who was KNOWN to be strongly pro-marriage, and had experience with infidelity, and would with near-certainty support my marriage if I went.
I have decided to see the therapist alone first. I think this will help me see where she stands in all of this before I bring my H in for something that is completely not helpful to us.
