Sandi's Place

[sandi2]

Thanks for the convidence. I sure don't want to let you down.

From what I read in your thread, things seem to sound like it was doing much better. Is there any particular reason that you feel the need to send the letter you wrote? I understand why you feel those things you said in the letter, about being tired of everything. But unless there is something that you have not mentioned, I would encourage you to not give her the letter.

You have every right to be tired and to be discouraged that more progess has not traspired. But, if you can focus on the positive things that have happened, that should be uplifting to you.

So many LBH's have said how hard it is in piecing. As a AWAW, I can tell you that it took about two years for me to really get over having an EA. I don't usually tell people that b/c I'm afraid of discouraging them too much. However, sometimes men don't know that it can take that long. That was how long it took me having an on-line EA and I never met the man in real life. If it had been a man that I worked with or saw in person from time to time....there's no telling how long it would have taken.

You may have read where I said that my H was impatient with me in the beginning b/c he did not think that I was trying hard enough. He wanted to hear me say that I was willing to put "everything" into working at our M. At that particular time, it was all I could do just to "stay" in our M. So, I told him that I had to reach a place to be willing "to be willing"....and that took some doing.

I'm just saying that to let you know that your W may be doing a lot more than it appears. I'm not taking up for what she did, I'm just trying to explain. All the things that happened with the death of the loved ones and then her kids growing up and not feeling the need for her as much.....those things probably triggered the crises in her.

In my life, there was many years of a lot of crises happening, but mostly it was an unhappy MR that become so dead that I was like a zombie. That made me vulnerable. Something happened that made your W vulnerable, also. Do you know if she was the one that dumped the men in the EA's? There is something that she is looking for that has not satisfied her.

I would ordinarily think that she was seeking something emotionally from OM that you were not giving her, but in her case, there may be more to it since all the other things (like the deaths, etc.) I agree that she should see a C to help guide her through this, but it sure needs to be a pro-M C or they will tell her to do whatever it takes to make her happy.

The biggest problem I see in your stitch right now would be the fact that you are still roommates. If that continues for very long, then she becomes satisfied in that situation and it is not good. I read a post from a LBH who said that a man should tell his W that he will not take on the role of a room mate and that he expects her to act like a "wife" to him. I think that makes a lot of sense.

Being patient with her is one thing, but continuing to stay in this "state" might encourage her not to try and become sexual. What could you do that would encourage her? Have you tried the romantic charm? You said that you had pursued a little bit but then pulled back if it didn't work. Did you mean like that?

Did your W always seem to be more lower drive sexaully than you? It would be a very touchy subject, and not one you would want to jump on before some other things were discussed, but sometimes going to a good doctor and seeing about hormone replacement helps women a lot. However, if she resists seeing a C, then she might not want to see a doctor either. Some women resent their H's saying anything b/c they think they just want something to fix them to desire sex. (But it does! That is why it's so sad whenever a W won't go see about it.)

I don't think I've been very helpful or answered your questions. I'll try to get back with you later. In the meantime, try to think how you could inject some romantic things without over-kill. Just a few romantic baby-steps. If she does not respond in a positive way.....then that's not a good sign. I would think that after a year of no EA, she should be ready to give a little response, at least. But like I said, don't expect too much b/c it does take a long time.

Sorry if I wasn't very encouraging. I think you've done really good and your thread sounded positive to me. I know it's not fast enough for you. Let me hear from you.