Thanks Allen, When I talked to him about the bill, he sounded down and out. Its like he wants to say something to me but won't. Lots of sighing and sounds of despair from him. He has run out of his seed money and his business is not taking off like he wanted. Not to say that it won't, but its not looking good. So now he out putting in applications everywhere he can. He can't even drive up to see the kids because he has no funds left. It seems like his fantasy world is starting to fall apart.
YOu can ask mb28 on the signing and wanting to say something on the phone but not saying it, he's sounding a lot like mb28's H right now
I don't understand all the ramifications of you cutting him off financially, it souns like you are doing some financial administration on his behalf is all...
It is a drastic move, but first confronting him about his affair , and yes it IS an affair, just because he's not living there does NOT make it legitimate, or he woudl TELL you what he's doing instead of LIE
THe fact that he's LYING SHOWS you he KNOWS its wrong.
My advice is fairly aggressive compared to MWD.
I advocate the following steps :
1. Expose teh affair to all marraige freindly people who may put pressure on the wayward spouse to END the affair
2. Confront the wayward spouse about their affair - set your boundaries - No more Contact - stop any and all involvement with OW
If your spouse refuses to end the affair - go to step 3
3. Protection - You shut yourself OFF from WS.. NO CONTACT, none with chidlren either unless you MUST do this by law. The only contact I reccomend is through a third party intermediary (a freind or relative safe to the marriage) who will exchange info between you two... when necessary... NOTHING PERSONAL should be exchanged, ONLY the necessities of the marriage such as child support payments and such.. this should ALL be done through a THIRD PARTy
4. During the protection phase you PROTEST his continued and ongoing affair to him. During the protest you maintain the following :
a. You want to save your marriage b. The affair is attacking the marriage and harming you and your children c. You will NOT expose H or his affair to yourself OR your children while he is having an ffair d. Family Therapy and NO CONTACT with OW is the way you are willing to alter this situation
Any contact that takes place by your intermediary should have this note attached so your H would always know what the deal is... phone calls again your intermediary would ensure your husband understood your negotiation terms
It's called protection phase because YOU are protecting yourSELF from his lies and drama...you are pretty much in protection phase ALREADY since he doens't contact much and is far away, Protection Phase should be pretty easy for you to do compared to some on this forum.
Now, I must warn you, I do NOT agree with MWD here, she does NOT reccomend this unless its a last resort, and even THEN her Last Resort tactics are NOT the same as the above, but its close. NOT everyone on this forum agrees with this approach, but there are some using this now (or a watered down version of it) and are having success.
This IS a reccomended approach by Penny Tuppy, a RFT, she has had success with this approach too. I also found this to work well in my own home (though we were both living here so the contact was minimal, effectively a silent treatment was instituted by me).
I do NOT reccomend MWD's approaches when affairs are involved, I find them counterproductive based on the case studies here on this forum and elsewhere.. being NICE does NOT end an AFFAIR
All I can do is reccomend this, its your choice how much of this you follow ... others here may add their own input...
