MLC, H and me

[HeartsBlessing]

CW, AKA Curious George, LOL!!

Is this your main thread now? I locked my question thread today because it had over 100 posts, do not know if I will put up another one just yet.
But, I'm still here, in and around.

If you don't mind my company from time to time, I'd like to hang out here with you for awhile.

I'm a trucker, so I don't get on here much, time is something I don't have alot of, but I'd like to continue to help you if I may.

You seem to be at the understanding that your journey is yours as an individual, and while I might answer many questions about many different things, I cannot guarantee that the marriage will come back together; that decision is your MLC'er/WAS', and though you may want it, he may not.
I, too, had to face this same issue while within, and reach a point that I would be ok with it; regardless of what happened.
Some of my answers will be based on experience; others, well, read on below.

Warning: there might be some hijacks from time to time, but I think you'll learn from those, too. Or, since I said that, there might NOT be ANY, LOL!
And that would be all right, too.

I did answer the last question you posted in my thread before I locked it up, and do understand being a "Curious George".

I was the SAME way, if this helps you any at all, learned a lot of stuff that didn't apply to my situation, but it was useful for others in helping them to understand what was going on.

A lot of people don't understand where most of my answers come from; I researched heavily on both sides of MLC years ago when I was here before; I had a heavy need to understand, and that need was mostly satisfied within the research.

I fully understood that not EVERYTHING applied to my situation, but learned enough to help others understand. There are still things I never faced within this that I still got answers for, and I share those answers.

There are still things to this day that I NEVER gained understanding for, and I accept those as things I would NEVER understand, and got on with my life.....the complicated stuff I leave to the Lord, but the biggest question I never had answered was "Why/how could/did he even do all these things to me, MLC or not?"

The only partial understanding I even got out of it was this:
Each person has the capacity to do these same things to others, but the choice is made NOT to...so I guess my question could be revised to read "Why/how did/could he choose to do these things to me MLC or not?"

It was NEVER answered, and given time, I accepted that I would never know...and some things are best left unknown.

I gained MORE understanding when I went through the tunnel, also gaining a good idea of the thought processes, or lack of, because I DO remember my thoughts during that time... they were really confusing, and I was tempted heavily during that time in many different ways; I just never acted on many of the ones I encountered.

I also ask the Lord for help in answering some questions; and for insight to help someone better understand the answer they are getting from me.

That's the "help" I'm always referring to.

I am Christian, but not "religious" in any sense, I don't judge, I simply call it as I see it.

I'm not out to try to hurt anyone, and I won't poke fun at or even downplay anyone's hurt; I was there and still understand it, as I've never forgotten that place I came from so many years ago.

I may have forgotten a great deal, but I've NEVER forgotten how much it truly hurts to be in this place, although I no longer feel the pain myself.

Hope things are going ok for you at this point.

[courageous wife]

Hi HB! I would be thrilled to have you peeking in on me from time to time and know that I do take everyones advice to heart! I did read your reply and saw that the thread was locked and wasn't sure how to find you to thank you! Yes, I guess I am a "curious george"! I just want to understand! I know that I may never "understand" but it has surely helped me see that what is happening is not ALL my fault! I am in the process of reading other threads and am still so amazed at how they all seem to follow the same script! Some have OP's, some have WAS's, but are basically the same! To me, understanding=healing.

I asked you about H's oldest (my SS) because he is hurting too! H's sister has tried contacting him and he has ignored her. I know that "I" have to step back but the "fix it" person in me wants to make things better for everyone else!

I am thankful that I don't seem to have all the drama that many of these posters seem to have with their spouses! Sometimes I wish that we had more contact but see from reading other's posts that the n/c thing seems to be a good thing!

I will admit that I have thought about the fact that I could also go thru a MLC of my own with menopause coming up and it wouldn't surprise me if it happened about the time H comes out of his....lol!

I look forward to your thoughts and advice from you and all of the others on here. My thread does not seem to draw a lot of attention but am so grateful for all of the people that do stop by and the encouragement or 2x4's I that I receive!

The life of a truck driver must be very intersting!!! Thankyou again for taking the time to help to share your experiences!!!

[HeartsBlessing]

Hi CW,
Bless your heart..you may tire of me after awhile, if you do get tired, hit ME with a 2X4!

I like you, you're such a cheerful person; upbeat and seem to be doing well in spite of everything.

I asked you about H's oldest (my SS) because he is hurting too! H's sister has tried contacting him and he has ignored her. I know that "I" have to step back but the "fix it" person in me wants to make things better for everyone else!

One of the hardest things in the world is for us to stand back and watch our children hurt, regardless of the situation. My son is 23, and I have a hard time, still yet, with the knowing he has to solve his own problems; and I STILL want to try and "fix" his; though I'm long past being a fixer myself.
Hey, we're mothers, and they are flesh of our flesh; when they hurt WE hurt.

The situation will resolve itself in time, and if you're able to explain to him what's going on in a way that he might understand, it might make it easier on him to think this out, and eventually, hopefully, work through his anger at his dad.

I just want to understand! I know that I may never "understand" but it has surely helped me see that what is happening is not ALL my fault! I am in the process of reading other threads and am still so amazed at how they all seem to follow the same script! Some have OP's, some have WAS's, but are basically the same! To me, understanding=healing.

That I understand very well; I was the same way. The more I understood, the more I could empathize with what he was going through; and it helped me to help others understand as well.
Through that understanding gained and the helping of others, I was able to heal; although it took TIME for me, too.

It's good that you don't have all the drama, you don't need that to complicate an already complicated situation.

I had SOME drama during, but not as much as what I've seen here on the board in times past, and even now.

It IS amazing how all seem to have the SAME script.

We speculated at one time years ago, that all the WAS/MLC'ers went to the same school to learn the "speech"..I love you, but am not in love with you...the ONLY speech I was NOT given, though I think he said it in another fashion.

Sometimes N/C is good in the early days because the MLC'er needs time to work through some stuff, and when the LBS is there, it can interfere with that.

Each person/situation is different; some have more contact, some have less, so MLC is not a one size fits all, situation.

But many things do seem to be the same.

And it can never hurt to learn as much as you can..the knowledge can only help you.

I will admit that I have thought about the fact that I could also go thru a MLC of my own with menopause coming up and it wouldn't surprise me if it happened about the time H comes out of his....lol!

LOL!! My own transition came about when he was coming out, and I didn't recognize it...my sister in law did, LOL!!
It was like the revolving door, he came out, I went in!

Oh, and I hated going in, too. I am 43 now...I was 35 going in, came totally out at 41, so I've been "out" around two years.

Best I can tell, I had menopause and the transition going back to back...and it was awful stuff to endure, but endure I did.
Scared my husband half to death..I think he thought I was way out there, and would possibly leave him, all kinds of stuff went on. His fear surfaced from time to time; and I cannot believe now that I just "down played" those fears..and they were VERY real to him; just as they were to ME.

NO real drama that I remember, but then, I don't know what he remembered within himself...I guarantee you if he did, it was a MIRROR of his actions toward me. LOL!!
And I wasn't even TRYING to "get him back". My snapping at him was part of this..and I couldn't even seem to control it.

But, I have to give him credit, he hung in there with me, put up with quite a bit of the SAME crap he'd dished out at me in the way of anger, snapping, mood swings.

When the last "hurrah" came 3 to 6 months before I turned 41, I called my sister in law, and asked her some questions, b/cause I didn't feel right.....she was LAUGHING, now mind you...and said, "Honey, you're not done YET." Still laughing...at the time if I could have reached through the phone I would have CHOKED her! LOL!! We laugh about that now, she and I.

You are welcome to ask any questions about that or anything; I'm not touchy at all about it..to me, it was a necessary part of my life, even though I could have done without it. LOL!!

The life of a truck driver must be very intersting!!! Thankyou again for taking the time to help to share your experiences!!!

CW, I have worked as a truck driver for 7 years; in that time I have seen all 48 states, no Canada(I refused to go, LOL)
I drive an 18 wheeler, have backed into some places that defy and boggle the mind, gotten to know a lot of great people over that time, and I make a good living.
At this point in time, I own my own truck, and run my own business from the dispatching to the pickups to deliveries.

I'm a self-motivated chick, and so I KNOW it's up to ME whether I make good on this or not, and I WANT to work, and so I work.

My husband, until he broke his ankle recently, runs his own rig, doing the same thing I'm doing, only we don't run together; couldn't make it as a team..we're too different.

We stay in touch with each other, and continue to make this marriage work..not easy when you don't see each other for long periods of time. It's not much different than it was when he trucked and I stayed home..only difference is I'm doing it too.

I left home this evening, felt so sorry for him; he was so pitiful...it's falling on me to make the money and pay our bills, so I knew I had to go..but we'll make it all right.

As you can see, I like to talk, too. LOL!!

[courageous wife]

So...the wallpaper is all off!!! Yay!!!! I plan to get stuff to fill cracks and some primer tomorrow! Still not sure what color to go with for the walls but will come up with something! The master bedroom has been anything but comforting and relaxing since we moved in in 1999 so am looking forward to making it so!!!

SS28 invited S14 to go to lunch with him (thankful since D11 and I had the mother/daughter brunch to go to) and the grandson's today and ended up staying most of the day. I had to call and see if they were holding him hostage! Glad he had fun with his brother and nephews. He has gone to bed early all weekend talking about how tired he is...am starting to worry a little about him!

[courageous wife]

HI HB!

I have to try really hard to be upbeat and cheerful at times! Yesterday while I was removing wallpaper, a song came on the radio that triggered a good cry and the feeling that I don't think I will ever love another as much as I love my H. I just can't imagine life with anyone else! Then, I told myself to stop it! Why worry about that now? Who knows what the future will bring!

You went thru "the change" pretty young! I am glad to hear that you both survived it! I think I am actually well into mine with having chemo last year and the medication I am on now is putting me into it! I feel like I am doing ok with it! Not too crazy! But, I know that we don't always see ourselves as others see us so maybe I should bet a second opinion on if I am acting crazy or not...lol!

I love to go on road trips so think going over the road would be very cool but I could never drive one of those things! I have a little SUV and haved backed into several things so I know anything bigger would just be too much!!!

I hope your H gets back on his feet soon! It is horrible being stuck at home recuperating!

[Cadet]

so maybe I should bet a second opinion on if I am acting crazy or not...lol!

I think this is a great idea. Yous should look into this. I am going to do the same thing. We need to take care of ourselves. Because if we don't no one else will!

[HeartsBlessing]

Good morning, CW;

Yesterday while I was removing wallpaper, a song came on the radio that triggered a good cry and the feeling that I don't think I will ever love another as much as I love my H. I just can't imagine life with anyone else! Then, I told myself to stop it! Why worry about that now? Who knows what the future will bring!

Hey, crying's not a bad thing; someone once told me years ago that tears were the very fountain of life; and that every tear you cry; God holds in His Hand.

It's when you're constantly crying; never stopping that, something is seriously wrong.

For now, it is perfectly normal to grieve, and crying helps to cleanse the soul and clear the mind.

There is ALWAYS hope until things go to the point of no return, you two are not divorced, and he hasn't remarried....and that time has NOT happened, so it is good to hope.

You seem to be a pretty strong lady; CW; and strength is something no one can have enough of.
Every time I thought I had run out of it, somehow I had MORE to run with, and kept going.

Optimism is also a good thing to have; knowing that for each hill you climb, each mountain you scale; there's something better on the other side.

There's always a light at the end of a tunnel, but it's not ALWAYS a runaway train; that's where optimism comes in.

It seems we always prepare for the worst, but things are not always as bad as they seem. Our minds have a tendency to blow things up into something worse than it is.

But, when things look bad, we're scared, and that fear will transform things into something bigger than it really is.

I'm with OP..if you don't take care of yourself, NO ONE will do that for you.
I believe I would get a second opinion if you think you're well into the change; what with the chemo/meds you're on.

Yup, I WAS young to be going through, and BOTH stages at that.
From what I'd read, the emotional transition/crisis was supposed to happen around the age that it happened for me,(35-39) then the SECOND stage, which is the actual physical menopause was supposed to happen between 48 and 53.
For males, I think Andropause could happen between 45 and 55..I'm not exactly sure on that, would have to research back into it to see.
But, it didn't happen that way for either one of us....I got BOTH back to back, and for some reason, my husband did the SAME thing.
A male, during Andropause, due to low testosterone levels, will experience "hot flashes" "night sweats" and "mood swings" just like a female does.
When he started doing that, it took me TWO weeks to figure it out, talk about DUMB!!
I'd never thought about men experiencing the same symptoms as women!
I went to the GNC, told them what was happening and got him some stuff to help;(can't remember what it was other than a herb called "Saw Palmetto" telling him it was for his health; never told him what it was REALLY for.
He may have figured it out later on, but he's still taking a combination of herbs for his male health.
I watched him for a good while after getting that for him, made sure he took it religiously, and it DID make a difference.
The physical symptoms stopped, and I noticed he was looking better; although still didn't feel really good.

For me, I got a natural herb my sister in law suggested called "Phyto-estrogen"; it took the edge off, helping me to cope, but I couldn't get rid of it completely until it ran its course.

Do not have a clue what it means for us both having gone through both stages back to back, if it means anything. My husband always teases me about looking too deep within things; never mind the fact that very talent I have has drug him out of quite a few jams over the years, saved us alot of money, and answered a great many questions. LOL!!



I have really enjoyed my travels over the years, and enjoy my job very much.

When I was training, I thought I'd NEVER get it, but I did.
The very size of the vehicle intimidated me, although I'd gone with my husband off and on over the years.

It doesn't anymore..what scares me out here is the four-wheelers who play games with truckers; or are distracted..and I've seen some weird things over the years...some of it is pretty graphic. LOL!!

[courageous wife]

OP-when I went for my physical in Jan....she talked to me about menopause and how I was feeling and I told her about H and I. I know it wouldn't hurt to explore that more! Thanks!

HB-you have such a way with words! I figured it would be ok to allow myself a cry! I think it helped to get the wallpaper off a little quicker actually!!! I think it is good that you and your H got your "changes" over and done!

When I was going thru cancer, I got a couple of those Willow Tree angels from friends, one of the says HEALING and the other one is HOPE!!! I keep both of those words in my mind at all times!

As for being a strong lady! If someone had asked me to describe myself, that would not have been a word I would have thought of myself as. The last 2 1/2 years have really tested that and I guess I am stronger than I know! I HAVE to be! I have 2 kids that are depending on me, pretty much just me! I wonder if I didn't have them to think about how strong I would be.

I have to report than another day has gone by with nothing in the mail from H's lawyer!

[Cadet]

I have to report than another day has gone by with nothing in the mail from H's lawyer!

Good thing you are not holding your breath. You would be blue in the face by now.

You may never get it. Don't worry about it. It is only a piece of paper.

[courageous wife]

OP- I know, I know...I keep telling myself that! I do look good in blue though! lol