Will I ever be forgiven???

[Mom of 2 Cherubs]

Hello all. I am a WAW that is now D and happily living with a new man. My XH posted on these message boards quite regularly while we were going through our issues. I know he received a lot of support and help from the others on this site. I am hoping to gain just a little bit of that support and maybe some insight from other WAS or LBS.

In early January of this year I sort of had an awakening and realized just how much I hurt my XH during the two years of infidelity, then trying to work on things and all the way through our D. I always thought I understood what I was doing and it was all justified.

Sometime in January I started feeling like I had woken up from a terrbile dream only to realize it wasn't a dream, and I was the one responsible for all the pain. I am ashamed of myself for breaking his heart the way I did. Ashamed of things I said and did. I remember XH saying to me that he didn't know who I was anymore, I wasn't being me, etc, etc. and he was right. I am so not the person that I had become for those two years. only now that i am in theis relationship with this new man am I understaanidng the level of hurt that I caused. When I think about the possibility of new man treating me the way I treated XH it scares me and breaks my heart to think about it. Now, mind you, nothing has happened with new man to make me think he would treat me the way I had treated my ex but we have had our share of ups and downs. It is in the down moments of this new realtionship that I feel very insecure about and think what if he is going to do to me what I did to ex and it devestates me. I feel so incredibly guilty for what I did. The cheating and lying and being just downright bitchy for no reason.

Am I asking too much to ever be forgiven? Can I ever expect that XH and I will ever be friends again? Sometimes I think that we might be getting to the point where we can be friends but then he turns and gets nasty again.

I have gone over and over in my head of what I would say to XH "when the time is right" to explain how terrible i feel and to ask for the forgiveness, but I always chicken out. Or it's not the right time because we are "swapping" the kids and it's too crazy or whatever the reason is i haven't said a word to him about my guilt.

I also don't want him to think that i am asking for him to take me back because that isn't the case. I am just so truly sorry for the way I treated him. He didn't deserve it and the guilt is eating me up inside.

Not sure if anyone will have any advice but I thought I would try.

Thank you.