The thing is, WS's can pursue us when they want to, but if WE pursue THEM they get in a panic and HIDE
Yes, this is essentially controlling the situation, when tehy want to be close, they can be close, when they want to be distant, they be distant.. what the ABandoned spouse wants to them is worth ZERO. lol
Why are they controlling things? THeir mental state. When people get depresse, angry, anxious, frustrated, confused, lost, and all that other stuff... their impulses take over and their impulse is to CONTROL things to keep them from turning into a nightmare...
So they shut down and control as much as they can in hopes this will help contain their overwhelming emotions...
Its a symptom of their mental state.
So, ya, he can come out and test waters when he wants to, and he can hide back on the safe island he's building for himself if he watns to..he's perfetly incontrol of his lifestyle that way... no accountability or responsaiblity for how anyone else feels
During the FOG spouses will NOT remember much.. they will say and do a lot of things and later on they will have no idea...
Your dad may be able to enlighten you on some stories about how addicts do this allt eh time.. they go on a ride with their addiction and a few months later they have no idea where they've been or what they've been doing...
It's again a symptom of the mental state that his memory isn't working well.
I honeslty don't think it had much weight on his chioce to go distant again no...
But yes, using pet names for yoru WS is pursuing... blantant pursuit really... and it doen'st work as you know well by now... it happens...we all do it .. its a constant battle
JUst keep the contact to a minimum otherwise he's cake eating, and yes in this case you are the cake. lol
I think when you made a point of apologizing for the "slip" that was you taking a marriage reading as well.... which again is pursuit... testing your WS for where their commitment level is at with you is pursuit... and they do NOT take well to that...
I know it was an apology, but I suspect you wanted to find out hwo he FELT about being called a PN... which IS taking a Marriage Reading...
NOT good to do directly.. DO IT, but do it indirectly...
I am not a psychologist, but I belive there is a "FOG" phase for other addicts as well... I would have to research to be sure, but i noted it above anyways.. i will have to verify... maybe your F can confirm for us...
You are correct Allen and maynard...I guess I was "temperature" checking with the apology...secretly hoping that husband wouldn't mind. I will ask my dad about the "fog" for other addicts. Its weird that I have never really talked to my dad about his profession. We have a MOUNTAIN of books around the house on addictions/therapy (CBT, etc.) and I have never had any interest in reading them :-(
BTW, this will make you laugh, my mom was also a counselor for troubled teens/young woman but that was before I was born. She is now a social worker at a hospital and counsels patients and their families during their medical crisis :-) No wonder I turned the complete opposite of both of them...LOL. I am in a house of counselors....HELP...LOL!!!
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
OH...also forgot that my dad has always had his doubts about husband even while we were dating. My dad always said that if a man doesn't treat you better or as well as I treat you then dump him...lol. My dad's complaints about husband were minor in my mind at the time (example, dad didn't like the fact that husband whispered to me in front of him). My dad feels like no man should whisper in front of another man.
My dad never said anything against me dating husband though because I was grown and I would basically shut him out when he tried to say something negative. My dad eventually came around and said that he was happy to give me away at the wedding to my husband and welcomed the idea of finally having a son. Now my dad is saying that husband is a good guy but that he has a lt of things to deal with and will take a VERY long time before he is ready to be in a healthy relationship...this is why I sometimes don't like talking to my dad. He offers very little hope and seems to just want me to stop thinking about husband and keeps telling me that I am going to have even bigger issues if I stay thinking about husband.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
If you have books about addiction available, READ them.
Your dad is just doing what dads do. He's trying to protect you.. he's not wanting you miserable or hopeless, he's just being protective...
Your HUSBAND should be doing that, that's the problem...
Anyways...
Phil McGraw likes to say this :
Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
So, why whisper? I wouldn't like it either.. and a dabatable point but some people might consider that RUDE?
Your F is right though, your H is not going to grow up overnight.
WOuld you be better off divorced and trying to find a R with a new man who may do better by you? Along with dealing wiht your X-H's visitation?
is THAT a better life for you? I dunno... you never know if thre's a better choice out there.
Most FT's the good ones will tell you to explore EVERY AVENUE inside your marriage first... that I think is the BEST advic eyou are gong to get on that one...
You wil NEVER know whats out THERE waiting for you... but you CAN find out what the potential is HERE right NOW.. so I say do that.
Your parents would be good people to tap into for advice about your H... They have a relevant background here. I honestly think he is addicted to OW and that environment. Glass talks about addiction for a half dozen pages or so in her book Not Just Freinds.
H DOES need to grow up, which is a separate point, but the addiction makes that nearly impossible.
If you can get him CLEAN from OW, THAT will give him a fighting chance...
I got the book tonight "not just friends". Very good book so far from what I have read.
I have to report that I broke NC today. The thing is that my NC was done by accident. Quick Update: after talking to husband several times on Friday, I told him I would talk to him later. I went out Friday night and didn't hear from husband. No phone call or text from husband on Saturday and then a quick call from husband on Sunday after I missed three of his original calls on Sunday. He asked about our son and then said I will talk to yall later. So after not hearing from husband again all day today I called him. I know, I know...
When he answered the conversation is below:
M: hey, how are you. H: Good, i guess. M: I was just cheking on you. H: well I haven't heard from you in two days!! M: Same for you H: you said I will talk to you later and I never heard from you so I was like, F it then. M: I thought you were going to call me back. H: I never said that...I called you yesterday and you rushed me off the phone and said you would talk to me later. M: oh, misunderstanding because I thought you said you were calling me back. oh well, I also thought that you were just taking some time to yourself. H: LOL...you are funny. that is what you thought? M: yes but dang can't believe that you were just not going to call if I didn't call you back H: nope...laughing H: Well, I have to go...I am on a date. M: silence H: laughing...hello 4luv M: that is not funny H: I am serious...I am on a date. I am trying to be honest with you M: Well I don't believe you. H: I am telling you the truth. M: Well that is very hurtful. H: laughing...really, that is hurtful to you...still laughing. M: yes. whatever. bye. H: okay, bye.
This must be the day of really bad screw ups. I can't read my husband anymore. I KNOW that he flipped the script on me. My husband is sooo manipulative that I have to stay 3 steps ahead of him. He has admitted to being manipulative and says that he looks at everything as a game! How can I possibly win against someone like that. This is a game to him and I just made a wrong move. However, I believe that if I would have stayed not contacting him that was also a game and he would have twisted it either way....HELP!! These mind games that my husband plays are one of the biggest reasons in my stitch that I had to move out.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
